Me, Myself, and I

What I’m getting at this time is that you need to enjoy spending time with yourself. You’d be surprised about how little you actually know about yourself. Self-discovery is a never ending journey.

We’re all human. And that means that we’re constantly evolving and changing our minds. And that’s okay. Fuck the people that think otherwise. They’re not at the maturity level to understand this. You are the most important person in your life. The relationships you’ve built are important as well but it’s you that should always come first (that doesn’t mean don’t be considerate of other people).

A lot of the uncertainty in your life derive from your lack of understanding yourself. If you don’t know what you want, how do you expect to get it? You’ll keep trying and failing because you don’t know what it is you’re really looking for. Always take a step back. If you’re overwhelmed or lost, step back and just breathe. Allow yourself to come to an answer without putting pressure on yourself to do so. If you don’t have an answer, it’s not the end of the world.

Stop thinking putting so much pressure on yourself. You need to realize that you’re doing your best. It’s not up to anyone else to judge what you’re capable of. You can only handle so much at a time and you just need to go at your own pace. Don’t ever let anyone else’s opinion of you affect you. Yes, there are people in your life that you care about and you value their opinion, it’s not a make or break it thing. You’ll make friends, lose them, date, break up, your life is still going to keep going. It’s your decision to choose whether you’re going backward or forward. Either way, it’ll keep going.

So take yourself out. Think about whatever it is you want to think about, do whatever you feel like doing, find that confidence to just be yourself. Stop worrying so much about other people and start worrying about yourself. Be selfish for once and put yourself first.

Strange Chronicle 2: 5

Hello everyone. Few months ago, I wrote a blog about a “friend” who was dealt a hard blow in life. She experienced raped and had to witness the death of the only love of her life. You didn’t think that was the end of the story, did you? She told me that having an abortion was her decision. Yes, it was not her decision to be raped but at the same time, she made the decision to abort the pregnancy. Looking back, although God probably had a plan for the kid, she’s glad that she aborted the pregnancy. She said that a mother’s love is one of the most important things in the life of the child. If she had taken the decision to keep the baby, she would have hated the child and would have hated herself because the child would always remind her of the incident. After aborting the child, she was mentally and emotionally depressed, and was disappointed and ashamed of her body. It was like her world came crashing down. Although aborting the child was her decision, at the same time, she was a victim. It took the death of the love of her life to realize how to deal with the situation. She realized that she needs to forgive the guy and also forgive herself. I was shocked. I said “You just lost the love of your life and you wanted to forgive the person who raped you? If he didn’t rape you, maybe you wouldn’t have gone through all the craps you went through and your man might not have been dead.” She smiled. She said that first of all, the guy never even asked for forgiveness. So it was even more difficult to forgive. But she realized that the purpose of forgiving the guy isn’t meant to make the guy feel better, it’s to make herself feel better. If she had not been trying so hard to forget what happened, maybe her lover might not have died. People who are hurt won’t know when they hurt others, even when they are only trying to show love. She said that it was hard and it took a long time but she took the decision to forgive the man because she prioritizes her peace of mind over anything else. She had been through so much hurt by others and by herself and the only person left to love her is her. She had no one else to support her. She not only decided to forgive him, but also to forgive herself for aborting the child. She said that she realized that abortion means she destroyed a life but she had to forgive herself and stop putting herself through so much headache and heartache. She said that her past hunted her so much that she had no choice but to forgive her rapist and herself at the same time. The pain of her being raped and having abortion was nothing compared to losing her man. After forgiving her rapist and herself, she told herself to stop fighting against herself by trying to forget. She told me that she started to understand that there will be moments when the flashbacks would come and she would tell herself that it’s okay to have the flashbacks. The world is not going to end and no one is going to die. She accepted it as part of her past and she realizes that she can never go back to change the past. Her understanding of “forgive and forget” used to be that she would pray to God for forgiveness while she tries to forget. She said that this believe was wrong for her. She should not have gone with that believe. She asked me that how do I expect God to love me if I don’t love myself? In the same way, how do I expect God to forgive her if she doesn’t forgive herself. In addition to the years she wasted by trying to forget what happened, she said that it took years to forgive her rapist and herself but she did. After that, she started to find peace within herself by loving herself. She said that there’s no way she could love herself or anyone in the right way if she never forgave herself. She tried to love but it wasn’t right. Hate and love don’t mix well together. After that, she began her redemption phase, where she found something to be passionate about and decided to make up for lost times. Her confidence started to grow as she did. She went back home with her 2 kids. She went back to school at the age of 50. She’s now a professor. She said that all these stuffs sounds easy but they were not easy at the time. It was like her world was fading away but it all started when she made that conscious decision to not let her past define her. Life is a step by step journey and she said that at one point, she almost gave up on her redemption journey because she just couldn’t see the big picture and she felt like it’s not working and it’s pointless. But day by day, step by step, she got there. She told me that there are things she can’t control. Sometimes, she would see or hear things that would make her remember the incident or randomly remember the incident. She would always smile and tell herself that it’s okay. She learned to finally face her demons, instead of running away from them, and make peace with them. She said it wasn’t easy at first but then again, she can’t always control what she sees or hear, so when she remembers her past, she would be grateful for her life because now, she is appreciative of every little thing that life gives her. Sometimes, when she’s very uncomfortable about a part she remembered, she tries to talk about it to a loved one that would always be there to listen to her. She said that she has already made peace with herself, so keeping those uncomfortable remembrances to herself is like poisoning her minds again. Not being appreciative enough and being too focused on her past cost her the life of someone she loves. She’s not going to let that happen again, especially since she’s a mother. All the love and focus she gave her man but wasn’t enough, she would give it to his kids. I guess every movie really do have a good ending. It’s all about the perspective from which you see it. Danke, Stranger.

Scatter Brained

That’s me. I swear my mind goes a million random miles per minute. I know everybody is constantly thinking, my problem is that my thoughts are all divided into different subjects all the time. It makes it difficult to focus on any one thing. I’m annoyingly curious about everything. I’m sure I annoy the shit out of people with my constant questions and need for information. The truth of the matter is that I’m afraid that I don’t fully understand and the only way I can understand in my own special way is to ask questions.

I love learning. About everything and anything. I love when someone teaches me something new without being condescending and especially when they’re patient with me. There are so, so many times that I’ll ask a question and then remember a second later that I understand or recall the answer myself. Then I’ll say never mind and that grates on some people’s nerves. I apologize to those people.

There are also times where times I just black out mid-conversation. My attention will be drawn to something surrounding me or a random thought I had but I promise, I’m still listening. Definitely rude of me to just mentally leave the conversation at hand though. It’s kind of difficult to explain. Too many times my need for an answer is immediate. I need to satisfy my curiosity by asking a question or doing something to find an answer. I don’t know why I need to know but I do. For example, I could be having a serious conversation with someone and I’ll randomly wonder how many types of cheeses there are in the world. ADHD? I don’t think so.

My stepmom wanted to have me tested for ADHD at one point. I’m not sure if you can have signs of a disorder but not actually have it. I’m not a doctor. There are times where I think maybe I do have an attention problem but I know if I really try, I can focus on just one thing at a time. Sometimes not for very long but still, I could do it if I had to.

I’m so grateful for the people in my life. They’re patient with me and kind of just got used to having a dozen different conversations at once. Even on a serious matter, being able to jump from one convo to convo is great. I love when good conversations don’t just end. You could be talking about something different and still go back to that one topic again.

Let me tell you though, it is not a good time being such a dope all the time. Sometimes people’s point just goes over my head and that can get frustrating for both parties. I want to understand but sometimes I’m too far in my head to get it. Sometimes people need to spell it out very slowly for me and of course that’s annoying for them.

There are definitely pros and cons.

Dating Step 4: Comfy

Being comfortable in the relationship is important. So important that I’ve mentioned it in every dating step so far. It’s a lot easier said than done. Building the foundation of the relationship takes so much time and effort. Both parties need to constantly put in the work.

And just because you’re comfortable with each other, doesn’t mean that either of you should stop putting in the time and effort. You want to constantly move forward in life, separate but together. Have that trust in each other that both your feelings are still there and that you’re still down for each other even when life places a bunch of obstacles in front of you.

Make sure you’re getting through them together. Don’t stop trying to understand your significant other. There are moments where you or your partner will feel insecure. And that’s okay. It’s natural to not feel yourself all the time. Just make sure you’re communicating that. It’s not always easy. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. Honestly, I don’t think it’s ever easy to bring up and discuss your feelings. There’s never really a “right” time for it. My advice is to just do it sooner rather than later. Make sure your significant other is the first person you tell things to (we get iffy and will absolutely feel some type of way if we’re the second to know things).

The goal is to get to the point in your relationship where you don’t have to question everything all the time. Some things you just know for sure because you know your significant other that well. I think that’s one of the best feelings in the world. Being secure in your relationship. Definitely something every girl wants. Build that security for each other. Be each other strength. And don’t forget that in a relationship, it’s not always 50:50. Sometimes it’s 80:20 or some other ratio. It’s always give and take but there are many times where you need to give more and sometimes you need to take more. Don’t feel bad about that. Just make sure you’re not always doing more of one or the other.

I put a lot of emphasis on this, do not let anyone into your relationship. It’s fine to talk to your family/friends about things and ask for advice but whatever is in your relationship, is between you and your significant other. Your family/friends won’t forget about your temporary feelings of hurt or anger. It can really damage your relationship by letting others have an opinion on it. They’re not dating your significant other, you are. At the end of the day, you need to listen to you gut and make the best decision for you and your partner. But make sure you’re talking about things together and not just making the decision for you both.

“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’ – that’s intimacy.”

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Dating Step 3: Gettin’ Down and Dirty ;)

Totally kidding, unless you’re into that. I don’t judge.

If it wasn’t completely clear, we’re talking about sex here. With all the talking and dating, eventually it’s going to led to a physical relationship. Not always, but most of the time your relationship is going to advance to the sex aspect. This is a huge part of the intimacy (not the only piece though).

I discussed it previously but communication and comfort is vital, especially when it comes to sex. Make sure you’re comfortable enough in your relationship to discuss sex openly. It’s just another learning aspect of the relationship. You need to talk about what works, what doesn’t, what you like, what they like. Most people just jump into sex and sometimes that just works for them. Sexual chemistry is a huge thing (lol, I’m immature). But seriously, being sexually attracted to someone is important in the relationship.

But don’t get me wrong, sex isn’t always important to people but this post isn’t for those people. I’m definitely not one of them. I couldn’t imagine being with someone that I didn’t want to sleep with. I enjoy sex and I’m not afraid to admit it. So for me, sexual chemistry is right up there as a dealbreaker. And I absolutely need to feel comfortable with my partner. Some guys, don’t take constructive criticism well. Don’t be that guy. I repeat, do not be that guy.

I don’t care if you’ve had sex with dozens of people, what worked before might not always work. Be secure enough to talk about that stuff and change it up! Don’t be afraid to explore together. And more importantly, don’t be afraid to laugh together. Sex should be fun! Experiment and have fun while you’re doing it. Be comfortable enough with your partner to joke around about it afterwards or hell, even during. Don’t be scared that you’re doing something wrong, it’s all a part of learning about each other’s bodies.

I promise you (maybe not everyone) but we do think about the physical relationship and all that goes on. All the good, bad, and hella awkward parts. I always remember pausing to laugh at something or even to stopping in the middle of sex to watch something on the TV for a few and going right back down to business. I loved those moments. I remember them fondly and it always makes me think about my partner (not that I have one anymore, *sigh*).

And the absolute most important thing, do not compare. You might have many relationships and if you’re serious about the person, do not compare them to your experiences before. You’re with a new person. Take that time to learn and share a physical connection with someone that is solely with them. Never compare them to an ex.

Dating Step 2: Issa Dates!

The best conversations are done face to face so take her out on dates!

A lot of people think of dates as pricey but they don’t have to be. Go for a freaking walk, hang out at park, go swing on swings! Sky’s the limit with dates. Ask her out, frequently. Be spontaneous about it but also have dates that are well thought out and planned. Doing a variety of things together can be really fun and you get to create memories that she’ll absolutely smile about later on.

I know that I constantly see things and it’ll remind me of something I did with someone. It doesn’t always have to be romantic. I’ve probably said it a million times but it is so so important to have a good friendship in order to have a good romantic relationship. The best part about a romantic relationship and differs from a friendship is the intimacy.

The most important aspect of intimacy is comfort. Building a level of comfort with each other is so important in opening up to the the intimate aspects of your relationship. Obviously, you do this by communicating and what better way than to go on dates! You can learn so much about someone while on a date. Their reactions, pieces of their personality, how, what, and why they think the way they do. I love going out on dates with a significant other and with friends.

New experiences. That’s what I love about dates. There are so many things I want to do and learn about. For example, I love wolves. And I happened to learn about a wolf-dog sanctuary not too far away. I thought it’d make an awesome date so I planned it and took my significant other (now ex). I remember him telling me afterwards that it was a really cool experience and that he wouldn’t have thought about looking something like the up. I got to do something I really wanted to (which was petting a bunch of wolf-dogs) and I got to share a unique experience with the person I like. I loved that feelings. Exploring and discovering new things and sharing that with someone.

Just a little tangent to prove that dates are important. It helps you build a connection that will go a long way in building a good/happy relationship.

Strange Chronicles 2: 4

You see, people like you amuse me. You go around thinking that you are above, and better than, everyone and acting like your authority can’t be questioned. You think that a great leader is someone who is better than everyone else. But you are ignorant enough to ignore the fact that a great leader is someone who makes everyone else around him better. As much as I would love to insult you right now, I would not do that. Because doing that would mean that I am stooping low to your level of immaturity. I am very sure this isn’t who you used to be. You were a vibrant young kid who wanted to do something great in the world. You were so eager to go into the world and make a difference. You wanted things to be easy for you and your loved ones and you wanted to be the one to make that difference. What changed? Who hurt you? Because somehow, someway, you have missed it. Do you think that vibrant little kid will be happy with who you are right now? Would your parent be happy with the person you become? Would the God you worship be happy with His creation? Why don’t you look in the mirror and be 100% honest with yourself. Why don’t we talk about the hard truth? That you are a very insecure person with egotistical issue who thinks he can always get things to go his way. I don’t know who hurt you at one point in time that made you think you can get revenge on the world. Judging by our time together, you have disappointed me and more importantly, you have disappointed yourself. I don’t want to believe that is who you really are though. I want to believe that there is a good in you. However, what goes around comes around. Funny thing about life is that whatever you give out, it always seem to come back in bigger ways. So for your sake, I am going to hope. I hope you find your peace. I hope you get on your knees and forgive yourself. I hope your loved ones don’t betray you when you need them the most. I hope the people in positions above you don’t use their powers to destroy you simply because of things that you can’t control. And most importantly, I hope you become a better person that this world needs and not the type that brings tears to his loved ones. I hope it makes you happy that you made me sad. Congratulations!! Again, I won’t insult you. However, karma is something I can’t control and I am sure that life will do its thing.

Greetings from my beloved ex,