Home

It’s such a common word that people typically associate with their actual house. But the kind of home I’m talking about is spiritual, for lack of better words. And it’s something I crave.

Recently, I reread one of my journal entries that I wrote on a private blog. I have a habit of waking up, writing down my dreams, and passing out again. Usually not remembering at all that I did. The dream was very odd and kind of all over the place (no surprise there). The dream really shed a light on things I lacked. Emotionally, I mean. Things I know I don’t really have but always brush off because I decide they’re not important. Anyways, I wrote something a while back about a person feeling like home. Needless to say, but I’m gonna anyways, it crushed me.

It made me hurt so bad that I wanted to curb up into the security of my weighted blanket and never step foot out of my room again. That person isn’t really in my life anymore. I hate that I remember that dream so vividly. I was getting ready to leave, to go back to an empty house feeling completely unwanted and as an a nuisance. The person had been giving me the cold shoulder and acted as if my presence was an annoyance. I hate feeling like I’m a burden to someone, apparently dream me feels the same way. I was walking out to my car when I see the person trying to fit a bunch of cats in my car.

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Let me explain, I am crazy allergic to cats. In small, enclosed spaces my allergies could possibly put me in the hospital. And the person knew that, which is why they were trying to shove cats into my car so that I wouldn’t be able to get in and leave. I was confused and all of a sudden, the person was pulling me in and holding me tight as if they never wanted me to leave. I had thought the person didn’t want me around but in actuality, the person just couldn’t communicate their feelings of wanting me to stay. This person, is home. That’s what I thought in my dream. When I reread the post, I thought about it and maybe that person was home.

I felt happiness there, in their arms. And more importantly, I felt safe and comfortable. It felt like any problem I had would be okay because that person was there to support me. To be my shield, protecting me when I was weak and to be my sword when I was ready to fight. The person was like a sigh of relief after a long and very difficult day. Do you know that feeling? After having a shitty a day and seeing that person that just takes away all that stress. The arms wide open, ready to envelop you like a blanket type of bear hug that makes you feel like everything else is melting away. You’re relaxed, safe, and you can finally breathe again. I miss those hugs and I miss that feeling.

Sometimes our home isn’t a place. Sometimes it’s a person that accepts you wholly and loves you completely. That you can be completely yourself around as scatter and as broken as you are. The feeling that you finally found where you belong. A person(s) that happily walk by your side because they want to and because they want you by theirs. That, is home.

New People & New Chances

Fucking frightening. I hate it. I mean, I meet a bunch of people every day but I’ll likely never see them again. It takes the pressure off. I don’t really have to engage with them as much or get too personal.

But, when I’m being asked out by guys I match with on an app, I’m so hesitant in agreeing to meet with them in person and I have no idea why. I know that being nervous is probably natural but it just doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I have a cousin that uses Tinder regularly for hookups and whatever and I have no idea how she does it. I seriously don’t think dating apps are for me but it doesn’t seem like meeting people organically it possible anymore. Everything’s through an app. It’s so impersonal and adds pressure to when you actually meet the person face to face.

On one level, I don’t really care if I meet someone and they end up not liking me or we just don’t vibe the same as we do through messaging. But another part of me is also scared of getting my hopes up. What if the person is nothing like they seem. I know most things and people aren’t what they seem and that I won’t really know unless I physically meet them but… I don’t know. Do I really want to take that chance? Am I even ready to date?

I like the newness of talking to guys I could possibly hang out with and maybe date, but I don’t really want to waste my time or effort or emotions. It takes me a long time to really get comfortable with people. And I’ve always been the type to just know whether or not I’ll like a person after maybe 5 minutes conversing with them. Maybe I judge too quickly but I always try to go with my guts when it comes to people. So far, it’s worked pretty well. I mean, I’ve ignored it plenty but I ended up hurting.

I feel like when it’s right, you just know. I don’t mean just for romantic relationships (I always mean it in general for any relationship). There are a few people I’ve met that I knew I absolutely would not get along with so I won’t even bother. Sometimes I do and wonder why the fuck I did because they turn out to be exactly what and who I thought they’d be.

I get blind sometimes when it comes to guys I’m interested in. There have been sooo many times where I liked the idea of a person more than I actually like the person. I kind of turn a blind eye to the shit they do/say that I normally wouldn’t stand for. For example, my old best friend. He could be very sexist, close-minded, and narcissistic. Three of my biggest pet peeves. If you can even call it that, I feel like it’s not a strong enough word to express my annoyance. But because we’ve been friends for so long, I was used to making excuses for him and just brushing it off for the sake of our friendship. Eventually I had enough and ended the friendship (something I’ve written about here and here).

It makes me question my judgment of people. I try to focus on the positives and maybe I shouldn’t do that so much. It’s either that or I’m nitpicking at everything. I need to find a good balance. Trusting my gut while also giving people a real chance to show me that I’m wrong. To open my eyes to not only the positives but the negatives of people before I focus on only the one and make excuses for it.

I’d love to hear from you guys on the matter. Give me some advice here.

Are there good ways to be cautious and keep an open-mind when it comes to meeting new people?

Is there a good way to go about meeting new people that won’t give me a shit ton of anxiety?

And what the heck do you talk about if you do meet up with them?

How do you decide whether or not someone is worth letting in?

First Love & A Rant

A person can fall in love many times, but the magic of feeling love for someone the first time in life is a unique experience.

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You know what makes first love so difficult? It’s the first time you fell for someone. But what you have to remember is that it doesn’t last most of the time.

If you’re still with your first love, kudos to you because it doesn’t happen often. I hope your relationship continues to grow and that you fall more in love with your partner every day.

For those that loved and lost, same. It sucks, right? It took me a while to get to the point where I’m glad things ended. Yes, I loved him and I fell in love with him. It didn’t last long but our relationship made me happy. And when things ended yet again, I was devastated because this time, I knew I was done. There was a lot of crying and a lot of spacing out. I felt numb and lost all at the same time. I didn’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I was depressed and it seriously sucked. Me depressed usually means me pushing everyone away.

It was really hard. But then I understood why. Well, now I understand why. Your first love is someone you’re learning to open your heart to. To trust them with everything that is you in hopes that it’s enough while hoping they’re doing the same. It’s scary. Putting your time and effort in building a relationship. There’s also that hope that you’ll be together for a long time. Unless you’re like me, anxious with tons of abandonment issues and can’t stop thinking that things are just going to end because it’s too good to be true. I think that’s a feeling that fade with time and security in the relationship. With my first love, I didn’t get there.

It was sad and it hurt, a lot. It hurt even more the second time around because I was stupid enough to try again with the same person. I don’t regret it, though I probably should. I learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have if I didn’t get back together with him.

The shittiest thing about first love, at least for me and a couple friends agree, is that you never really stop having love for them. You forever have a soft spot for that person even when all they do is annoy you and piss you off now. I definitely learned my lesson though.

If the words and actions don’t match up, it’s not going to work. When we initially got back together, I made sure to put my intentions forward. I want to be with someone that I can love unconditionally, that will build a life with me and eventually tie the knot with. Someone that would feel and want the same at some point. Things were good but with the upcoming date of our break up the first time, a lot of emotions were stirring in me.

I needed to know that we were still on the same page. Apparently we weren’t and I had to end it because I didn’t want to be an afterthought. I wanted to be included in his future plans and to know that he did want us to be together in the future. But when you hear that the person you love only thinks of you as short-term, well, there’s not much you can do. And I refuse to accept that hurt just to continue a relationship that had no prospect of going anywhere. It was seriously difficult. To bring up the conversation, to have it, and to suffer silently until I got back to my car.

It’s better to have known sooner rather than later. It doesn’t change that he was my first love. I’ll always love him in some way, shape, or form. Don’t get me wrong though, I hate that I still love him. A while ago, he told me that I was lucky that we were still friends. I was pissed. I wasn’t the lucky one. I was the one with the broken heart. The one that fell in love and stupidly thought it was okay to because it was him. But him? He was fine and he was very wrong. I’m not the lucky one, he is.

He’s lucky to have had someone like me care about him so completely. Someone that supported him so in any and every single thing he did. Who was proud of his accomplishments, big and small. Someone that respected him and admired his ideas. Lucky to have someone like me fall in love with him and continue to wish him the best in life and hopes for his happiness even after it’s all said and done. He was lucky to have me in his life and he didn’t see that. He saw it the other way around even though I was the one left hurt.

I’m not perfect. I’m a bitchy person. I can be really introverted and stubborn. Sometimes I’m clueless and things just go over my head. I can have crazy random mood swings. And there are times when my depression and anxiety consume me. I’m in my head way too much, constantly overthinking things. I’m really scatterbrained and I have a ton of trust issues and fears that may or may not be rational. I’m an oddball. I’m just me, and me is… a lot. But, I’m a pretty great person. I was an awesome girlfriend and I am an amazing friend. I’m lucky to have the people I have in my life, and you know what? They’re lucky to have me too. I’m at the point where I refuse to waste my time and effort on people that don’t appreciate me for me.

Side note: I want to make it clear that I’m not hurt or angry, or anything anymore about my ex. I wrote this blog a while back when I was hurt and angry and a lot of other times. As with most of my blog post, they are written well beforehand so that I can stay consistent in posting weekly.

Child of Divorce

Some people are fortunate enough to not know what it’s like when your parents are divorced. And unfortunately there are people in the world that never shut the fuck up and listen when a child of divorce tries to explain their perspective. This is for those people.

As a child of divorce, growing up you can only base your opinion on what you see. In my case, it’s an absent father.

I wrote but my father before (read that here). I want to discuss how my culture plays a huge role in this. In the Asian community, it doesn’t matter what your parents do or don’t do, they’re still your parents and you basically owe them everything. It doesn’t matter if they treat you like shit, negligent you, or leave you emotionally fucked up. It doesn’t even matter if they’re the root of your depression and anxiety. They’re your parents and it’s expected of you (typically only the daughter) to take care of them for the rest of your life (sexism is a huge thing in Asian cultures).

So growing up, my dad wasn’t around and when he was for short periods of time, he usually passed me off to my stepmom. Her job was to keep me entertained for a few hours then return to wherever my dad was so he could drive me home. As a child, that’s what I knew. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just spend time with my dad but I got to spend time with my stepmom (who wasn’t officially my stepmom until I got to high school).

To me, my “dad” is nothing but a sperm donor. We don’t really have a relationship unless it’s me going to visit him and leaving feeling like shit about it. He always has an opinion on my life, especially how wrong I am for worrying about the things I do and the mentality I have. It annoys me to no end. Who are you to have an opinion on my character when you abandoned me to live a leisure life while my single mother and I struggled to build our life?

My culture tells me that because his sperm helped make me, I owe everything to him . That’s true of course, I wouldn’t be here without him but in no way does that mean I owe him anything. Especially when he’s contributed nothing but stress and insecurity to my life. Every single time I went to “hang out” with my father, I got a lecture that left me choked up and usually crying before I can even get into my car. I try so hard to remind myself that his opinions don’t matter but they still hurt and I have no idea why.

I hate, hate, fucking hate, when people say shit along the lines of, “but that’s your mom/dad.” Fucking AND??? Your relationship with your parent(s) is not the standard for everyone’s relationship with their parents. Just because you have a good relationship, doesn’t mean I do. I won’t make pretenses either. For a long time, I felt like it was my fault that my dad left. Do you understand what it’s like to be a child and to feel that burden when you don’t even understand it?

To go through so much of life feeling like you weren’t enough for your own fucking parent to stay with you and love you the way you see in the relationships around you? It’s something that’s buried so deep in me that it’s incredibly difficult to simply live life. It’s always there, in the back of my mind. No matter how happy or successful I feel, it’s there haunting me. If I wasn’t enough for this person that helped create me then how could I ever be enough for anyone, for anything? I still go through life believing that everything is too good to be true because I don’t deserve them.

I have people in my life that are so important to me, and every single fucking day, I wonder if they’re going to leave me. And it hurts. My god does it hurt. To be afraid all the time of being left behind again. To think that their lives would be better without me in it. So of course I do the only thing I can do, push them away first. At least it would be my decision, in my control.

I try so hard not to. I have amazing friends that don’t let me push them away. I’ll never truly understand why they don’t or even how grateful I am for them.

Understanding

A few months ago I wrote about communication and how important it is. Understanding goes hand in hand with communication and can make things very difficult when neither party is trying to understand the other.

Everything in life is based on perspective. How a person sees and thinks about the world and the circumstances they find themselves in whether it be positive or negative. You can never know nor can you truly ever comprehend what a person is going through. But, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try.

Communicating your thoughts and feelings can be difficult. Even more so when the person you’re speaking with refuses to open their eyes to try and see where you might be coming from. The biggest problem with understanding is that people assume. Assuming they know how you feel and how you think. Sometimes it’s based on similar situations and feelings they have felt, sometimes it’s utter bullshit. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through or how you felt about it. When it comes to another person, you know nothing. Things that worked for you may not for them. It’s okay to use your situation as an example to advise but don’t ever judge someone for how they choose to handle things in their life.

A very wise woman once told me that all we are is the sum of our actions. My interpretation is that you are made of your experiences. You can only do, say, and act based on the experiences you’ve had in your own life. Just because someone may find themselves in a similar situation that you’ve been in, it doesn’t mean that they’ve experienced the same things you have. How you live your life is different from literally everyone else. It doesn’t meant that your way is the right way and/or the only way.

The best thing you could ever do for someone confiding in you about anything, is to listen. There’s no way you could ever truly understand somebody but you should never stop trying to. That’s how you’re going to building long-lasting, meaningful relationships in life. Even knowing that you can’t truly understand, you care enough to try. People will see that, if they don’t, ask yourself if they’ve ever tried to understand you and your circumstances when you confide in them.

Me, Myself, and I

What I’m getting at this time is that you need to enjoy spending time with yourself. You’d be surprised about how little you actually know about yourself. Self-discovery is a never ending journey.

We’re all human. And that means that we’re constantly evolving and changing our minds. And that’s okay. Fuck the people that think otherwise. They’re not at the maturity level to understand this. You are the most important person in your life. The relationships you’ve built are important as well but it’s you that should always come first (that doesn’t mean don’t be considerate of other people).

A lot of the uncertainty in your life derive from your lack of understanding yourself. If you don’t know what you want, how do you expect to get it? You’ll keep trying and failing because you don’t know what it is you’re really looking for. Always take a step back. If you’re overwhelmed or lost, step back and just breathe. Allow yourself to come to an answer without putting pressure on yourself to do so. If you don’t have an answer, it’s not the end of the world.

Stop thinking putting so much pressure on yourself. You need to realize that you’re doing your best. It’s not up to anyone else to judge what you’re capable of. You can only handle so much at a time and you just need to go at your own pace. Don’t ever let anyone else’s opinion of you affect you. Yes, there are people in your life that you care about and you value their opinion, it’s not a make or break it thing. You’ll make friends, lose them, date, break up, your life is still going to keep going. It’s your decision to choose whether you’re going backward or forward. Either way, it’ll keep going.

So take yourself out. Think about whatever it is you want to think about, do whatever you feel like doing, find that confidence to just be yourself. Stop worrying so much about other people and start worrying about yourself. Be selfish for once and put yourself first.

Strange Chronicle 2: 5

Hello everyone. Few months ago, I wrote a blog about a “friend” who was dealt a hard blow in life. She experienced raped and had to witness the death of the only love of her life. You didn’t think that was the end of the story, did you? She told me that having an abortion was her decision. Yes, it was not her decision to be raped but at the same time, she made the decision to abort the pregnancy. Looking back, although God probably had a plan for the kid, she’s glad that she aborted the pregnancy. She said that a mother’s love is one of the most important things in the life of the child. If she had taken the decision to keep the baby, she would have hated the child and would have hated herself because the child would always remind her of the incident. After aborting the child, she was mentally and emotionally depressed, and was disappointed and ashamed of her body. It was like her world came crashing down. Although aborting the child was her decision, at the same time, she was a victim. It took the death of the love of her life to realize how to deal with the situation. She realized that she needs to forgive the guy and also forgive herself. I was shocked. I said “You just lost the love of your life and you wanted to forgive the person who raped you? If he didn’t rape you, maybe you wouldn’t have gone through all the craps you went through and your man might not have been dead.” She smiled. She said that first of all, the guy never even asked for forgiveness. So it was even more difficult to forgive. But she realized that the purpose of forgiving the guy isn’t meant to make the guy feel better, it’s to make herself feel better. If she had not been trying so hard to forget what happened, maybe her lover might not have died. People who are hurt won’t know when they hurt others, even when they are only trying to show love. She said that it was hard and it took a long time but she took the decision to forgive the man because she prioritizes her peace of mind over anything else. She had been through so much hurt by others and by herself and the only person left to love her is her. She had no one else to support her. She not only decided to forgive him, but also to forgive herself for aborting the child. She said that she realized that abortion means she destroyed a life but she had to forgive herself and stop putting herself through so much headache and heartache. She said that her past hunted her so much that she had no choice but to forgive her rapist and herself at the same time. The pain of her being raped and having abortion was nothing compared to losing her man. After forgiving her rapist and herself, she told herself to stop fighting against herself by trying to forget. She told me that she started to understand that there will be moments when the flashbacks would come and she would tell herself that it’s okay to have the flashbacks. The world is not going to end and no one is going to die. She accepted it as part of her past and she realizes that she can never go back to change the past. Her understanding of “forgive and forget” used to be that she would pray to God for forgiveness while she tries to forget. She said that this believe was wrong for her. She should not have gone with that believe. She asked me that how do I expect God to love me if I don’t love myself? In the same way, how do I expect God to forgive her if she doesn’t forgive herself. In addition to the years she wasted by trying to forget what happened, she said that it took years to forgive her rapist and herself but she did. After that, she started to find peace within herself by loving herself. She said that there’s no way she could love herself or anyone in the right way if she never forgave herself. She tried to love but it wasn’t right. Hate and love don’t mix well together. After that, she began her redemption phase, where she found something to be passionate about and decided to make up for lost times. Her confidence started to grow as she did. She went back home with her 2 kids. She went back to school at the age of 50. She’s now a professor. She said that all these stuffs sounds easy but they were not easy at the time. It was like her world was fading away but it all started when she made that conscious decision to not let her past define her. Life is a step by step journey and she said that at one point, she almost gave up on her redemption journey because she just couldn’t see the big picture and she felt like it’s not working and it’s pointless. But day by day, step by step, she got there. She told me that there are things she can’t control. Sometimes, she would see or hear things that would make her remember the incident or randomly remember the incident. She would always smile and tell herself that it’s okay. She learned to finally face her demons, instead of running away from them, and make peace with them. She said it wasn’t easy at first but then again, she can’t always control what she sees or hear, so when she remembers her past, she would be grateful for her life because now, she is appreciative of every little thing that life gives her. Sometimes, when she’s very uncomfortable about a part she remembered, she tries to talk about it to a loved one that would always be there to listen to her. She said that she has already made peace with herself, so keeping those uncomfortable remembrances to herself is like poisoning her minds again. Not being appreciative enough and being too focused on her past cost her the life of someone she loves. She’s not going to let that happen again, especially since she’s a mother. All the love and focus she gave her man but wasn’t enough, she would give it to his kids. I guess every movie really do have a good ending. It’s all about the perspective from which you see it. Danke, Stranger.