Betrayal

I always thought it was funny how people would say, “The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.”

What’s funny is that your enemies couldn’t betray you. They’re your enemies for a reason. It’s the people closest to you that you generally trust with your secrets. So needless to say, they’re the only ones that could hurt you so personally. So why do people say that? Isn’t it kind of obvious that betrayal isn’t going to come from someone you don’t trust? You expect your enemies to harm you or be indifferent but never your friends. So maybe that’s why that saying exist.

I trust my friends almost completely. But I think it’s self-preservation to never fully trust someone. It’s good to be skeptical. Good to question everything. It’s not like we live in a world where everyone has good motives or morals.

Trust is such a fragile thing. It takes forever to build and only seconds to break. And like anything, once it’s broken, it’s never the same. I hate that feeling. Thus far, I’ve trusted many people. It was the right decisions for a handful but there have been so many I wrongfully trusted. And the thing about betrayal is that it never really feels like betrayal in the beginning. It just hurts, a lot. I think that after the hurt, there’s just a lot of anger then confusion. Betrayal comes much, much later. After everything’s been said and done, once you’ve finally stepped back and start moving on. That’s when the hurt of betrayal hits you.

I had a best friend once. She was like a sister I never had. I truly though we’d be friends until we were old and gray. Then one day, she decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore. That she was just done with me. I trusted her with everything that made me who I am. She was my go-to for everything and it crushed me when she said what she had to say. I don’t even know what happen and while there’s no bad blood between us, I’ll still never understand what happened.

There was something she said to me that still makes me question my relationships. She said, “You’re so stubborn that you would not understand how I feel and don’t tell me you know how I feel because you fucking don’t. I should’ve never listened to your output on my breakup because you can’t even handle a relationship yourself.” (Yes, I had the conversation saved because I’m a glutton for punishment).

For so long, I thought she was right. I never thought of myself as stubborn but I guess that’s what a stubborn person would say. This happened in high school, about three years ago. I’m still not sure if she’s right but I do know that no matter what relationship I’m involved in, what she said stays in the back of my mind. Is she right? About me not being able to handle a relationship? All the relationships I’ve been in never seemed to work out. Was it my fault?

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what a good relationship entails. And despite being so young still, I’m not sure I’ll ever know what a good relationship is. I know, I’m way too young to be so cynical.

Back to the moral of this sidebar. I felt betrayed and I felt like I betrayed her too. I’ll never really know or understand what happened but I know that feeling will never leave me nor will I forgive myself. What I do know is that I trusted this person with everything that made me vulnerable and she turned those words against me when it suited her. It definitely changed the way I trusted all my friends. For a long time, I kept all the important stuff in because I didn’t want to hurt the same ever again. Hell, I didn’t even want to use the term best friend anymore. It felt like a jinx. Like if I had best friend, they’d somehow betrayal me or leave me too. It’s silly, I know. I recently got over that but the fear remains.

I’ve always told my friends that I’d support them even if I didn’t like their decision. I think I’ve done a good job at keeping my word. How I see it is that at the end of the day, it’s their life and I just want them to be happy. So, if my (ex) best friend is happier without me in her life, than I’m happy for her. Even if it hurts like hell. Besides, I know we’ll it’s never be the same if we ever mended our friendship.

Betrayal is a fickle feeling like many in life. It hurts to be betrayed but it shouldn’t stop you from letting people in. It’s a risk to let people in but that’s what life is all about. We take risk and hope like hell it was worth it. I hope the risks you all take are always worth it. And if not, learn from it but don’t let it shut you down.

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