Envy

A basic human emotion that everyone feels whether they would admit it or not.

Webster’s definition is “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”

I think it’s pretty accurate. I get envious all the time. It can be something as simple as knowing what to order in a restaurant. It’s not exactly what I’m envious about, I promise, it’s a tad deeper.

You see, I envy people who know what they want and know the path to walk to get them there.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I wish I had it all together.

Sure, I’m in school (struggling to the point of frustration, in case you were wondering) but I don’t really know what I want. Well, I guess that isn’t entirely true. I’d like to graduate and have a job lined up. But what comes after that? Am I only alive to go to school and work? I want more.

Except I don’t know what more is. Some people seem to have life all figured out. They’re going to finish school then work here then do this, then do that. How are they so decisive? How do they begin to figure out what they want? I’m sure they struggled through uncertainty but they eventually came to a conclusion. How?

Too often, I find myself spacing out, wondering what comes next.

People say you’re supposed to live in the present and plan for the future. I even tell my overwhelmed friends to take it one day at a time because what else can you do? But how do you live in the present when you’re so stressed out for the future?

Every step you take, every decision has a consequence that will effect the path you’re walking in life. The question remains, how do you know which direction to go in? I wish I had an answer. Life would be simple if you were handed a guide at birth and set up to complete your goals as if it were a level in a game. I mean, life is a game. The only difference is that in the game of life, there isn’t a clear winner or loser. It’s all defined by you. If you think you succeeded, then you did. If you think you failed, you did.

There is no clear winner because we all define success differently.

An amazing teacher once said, “Life is a sum of all your choice.” She was quoting Albert Camus (A French philosopher, if you didn’t know. Yeah, I didn’t either).

When she said that, it struck a cord with me. Only you can determine the meaning of your life and every decision you make helps you do that. So when I get envious of people, I kind of allow myself to feel that way. The saying is that nobody can make you feel anything you don’t allow them to.

I feel that it betters my understanding of me. It makes me question my goals and if it’s really the person I envy rather then where they are in life.

It is difficult though. Living with that envy. I was thrown off track because of a serious leg injury. And because of that, I’m far behind from where I should be. It’s hard seeing everyone moving so far down their paths and how well they seem to be doing while I’m here playing catch up. I want to be where they are. Close to that degree that seems like a trophy. That one piece of paper that supposedly opens tons of doors. I’m so far away that I sometimes lose sight of why it’s so important. I’m not so sure I even truly understand why it’s so important right now. There are so many brilliant minds that never finished school. They had an idea, or a vision and made that into a reality. I envy that too by the way. I have no abstract thoughts that I want to make concrete. Even if I did, I’m not so sure I could make it real.

Guess a lot of it has to do with confidence in yourself. That’s certainly something I don’t have enough of. I’ll never stop being envious of people that do. Maybe we’re all just faking it until we make it or maybe I hope that to make myself feel better. I don’t really know. What I do know is that one day I’d like to stop faking it and actually make it somewhere.

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