My one cousin and I have never been close despite being only two years apart in age.

I used to be so afraid of her because she bullied me when we were younger and there was nothing I could ever do about it. She was older, prettier, skinner, she could do no wrong. Not when she used to slap me to wake me up, or make fun at me for always staying at the babysitter, not even when she push downstairs. Of course she doesn’t remember any of it now. She’s incredulous that even happened especially since I can be such a bitch to her every now and then.

What she still doesn’t understand is that when it comes to me, she is extremely selfish. She never considers my thoughts or feelings about anything yet always expects me to be there for her. There is no respect for my life when it comes to something she needs/wants. Anytime she’s sick or injured, I’m there asking if she’s okay or I’m physically there taking care of her. There were times when I was busy with important school or work stuff and I had to literally drop everything to be by her side because she didn’t want to be alone. So often, I just wanted to ask her if she knew how long I was alone. How often I’m still so alone. Yet she begs with no care whatsoever.

There was one summer she had alcohol poisoning, something she could have prevented. Well I was working to save up money for school. I was starting college and I needed the job because I would be paying for school myself. I didn’t want to take out tons of loans because I knew I’d have to pay them back with interest later on. Well, she got alcohol poisoning and was in the hospital. She didn’t want to be in the hospital alone while she slept. Why? I have no idea. She literally just slept. But I had to quit my job and drive back and forth for days to take care of her. Why? Because my aunt asked and my cousin asked me to stay. How could I say no, right?

Once she was better, I didn’t hear from her. Of course she felt nothing about me having to quit my job to stay by her side. It didn’t matter that I had to start school without money for books. Nothing I did mattered as long I was there for here when she needed me to be. There were a few other times she absolutely needed me for something. She needed me to bring her food, she needed me to do this, needed me to go with her here or there, there was a lot of times she needed me because she didn’t want to be alone. She never had shame in asking me for anything. Yet, when I got injured, she visited once when my entire family came to see me then never again. Oh but it’s fine, she sent me cookies…

Three months of being in pain, being bedridden, of realizing how my life is going to change because of my injury, not once was she there for me. But even when I was injured and was supposed to be focusing on myself, the second she calls me crying, I felt guilty that I can’t be there for her. She called saying she had a fight with her mom and I’m stuck laying on a couch, literally in pain every time I breathed and I still had to be there and help solve her problems. Hell, I’m so conditioned to be there for her that I felt like utter shit that I couldn’t get in my car and drive to her. Never mind that I could even walk by myself. So through the phone and the text I had to mediate for her and her mom who she wasn’t getting along with lately. Eventually things worked out.

Bt never did my cousin consider me. Never she did she really ask and care about how I was doing or how I was feeling. There was and there is always an excused with her.

All my life, I have literally asked her for two things. The first time was that I needed her to buy me something and she left it in her car and she was down the shore. Never mind that I had already given her the money for it.

The second was that I needed a dentist appointment. You see, she’s a dental assistant and she works at a place that apparently take takes my insurance. Well, she never got back to me.

These are the only two things I’ve asked her for throughout our life and they both only happened this year.

While I love the girl, I realized how one sided our relationship is. Anytime she needs me, I’m supposed to jump to be there. Anytime I need her? Well, is not a good time, sorry. So I learned to never ask her for anything and never expect her to be considerate of me. I’ve accepted that. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I can’t say no when she tells me she needs my help. I can’t just leave her when she asks me to stay with her. I can’t yell or get mad at her because it’s not like she’d understand or even try to. So often I wonder if she even cares about me or loves me. I’m not sure she know how to feel anything towards me except probably annoyance because I can be bitch a lot of the time. I may be a bitch but at least I care and show that I do. I’ll never stop wondering if she really gives a damn about me or not. My heart says not but I feel like with family, there has to be some kind of love that exist… right?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.