Feelings

I absolutely despise dealing with feelings but lately I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions and it’s been awful.

I’ve never been the girl to get over emotional when I’m out in public but a few nights ago, I struggled keeping myself in check. I had tears in my eyes all night and all my friends could do was ask if I was okay. I just wanted to scream. Obviously, I was not okay. I hate feeling the way I do sometimes because I put myself in those situations.

Even when I’m not a fan of doing something or going somewhere, I usually feel bad because I’m always the driver and the one that has to be responsible. I generally don’t mind but a few nights ago, I was exhausted. Not only did I get less than two hours of sleep, I also worked all day. After not being at the job for a month, it was good to see everyone that I had bonded with while I was working when I was on a normal schedule but it was also draining. I’d like to think I’m fairly extroverted but even extroverts need introverted moments, you know? Just a few minutes to breathe.

Anyways, after work I was really looking forward to a nap before I did anything else for the night. But my friends all wanted to hang out and I could palpably feel their excitement radiating through the messages. I felt that I had no choice but to go. They didn’t mean to make it seem that way, they were just being honest. And of course I didn’t have to but when everyone is excited to get together and you’re the only person preventing that, you kind of feel like shit for being the odd one out.

Anyone that knows me knows all too well that I love my friends and will always put them before myself. I make a lot of sacrifices for them in hopes that it’ll make things easier for them or make them happy even just a little bit. It was insanely hurtful that all night, while I sat alone in the corner, all they could do was ask if I was okay when I clearly was not and repeat that we could leave anytime. They were having tons of fun, how could I just stand up and say “time to go.” It stung like hell that they saw I wasn’t okay but didn’t do anything. I put myself in that situation of course. If I were a different person, I wouldn’t have thought twice about staying home and sleeping. But being me, I knew my one friend was going to leave to go back to school soon. I didn’t want her to feel excluded. She misses a lot while she’s a school and sure, going away was her idea but I always feel bad that she’s not with us all whenever we hang out during the semester. I hate the feeling of being left out so I’ve always done my best to ensure no one feels that way.

Sure, my friends say thank you but to me, those are just words to me. They don’t really hold a meaning anymore. They’re just so used to saying it, like a reflex once I drop each of them off. I know they’re thankful but sometimes, it seems so meaningless. I’m not asking for huge gestures or anything crazy. I just wish that sometimes they would be more considerate of me and all the thing I have to do to ensure they have fun while I’m stuck being the driver everywhere. Sometimes, I know they have an idea of how I’m feeling but they never really say anything. I guess they believe that if I want to do something or whatever that I’d say something.

The thing is, I usually don’t. What I want to do or places I want to go aren’t really things they’d be interested in. And on the rare chance that they are, guess who has to pick up everyone and ensure they get home okay at the end of the night. Especially knowing the places I want to go or things I want to do is out of their comfort zone. I don’t say anything because I’d just worry the entire time about how they were feeling and if they were having a good time. What’s the point then? I hate that some parts of my life I can’t really share with them because it’s not exactly their thing.

It’s the downside to be the mom of the group. Always worrying. The constant anxiety over them and whether or not they’re enjoying themselves. I know it’s my own fault. I should speak up. Even posting this, I know things aren’t going to change unless I want to just stay home and do nothing all the time. It’s easier to just do whatever they want because at least one of us will be happy and have fun. I’m usually pretty neutral about everything do or and everywhere we go anyways.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to just hang out somewhere. But there’s always a part of me that resents going out because I know at the end of the night, I’m making a long drive home alone. I know I’m complaining a lot and that things aren’t going to change unless I do something but for once, I wish it wasn’t me that has to do everything. Just once, I’d like to spend time with them and not have to worry about how everyone is getting somewhere or how they’re getting home. I want to go out and not feel bad about not going out of my way for someone. I’m not even sure I know how to that that. I don’t know how to not be the mom. To just be carefree and not worry about anyone but myself. With my group of friends, I’m either the mom or the odd one out and that’s the norm.

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