Sabotage

Have you ever felt like things are so right that it’s suspicious? Like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop in a sense.

I have this nasty habit of ruining good things because I’m afraid that I don’t end things, something or someone else will. It’s not possible to be this happy without something going wrong is basically my logic when it comes to happiness in life. I’m constantly thinking that there has to be some of catch. Things are just too good to be true, you know?

It’s a self-destructive behavior, I know that but I can’t really help it. When things seem too good to be true, they generally are. It’s not like I’m hoping for something bad to happen but I’m absolutely prepared for it. Is that wrong of me? It’s very pessimistic way of thinking though. My thoughts are usually pessimistic whereas my actions and things I say aloud are typically very optimistic. I’m a paradox, what can I say? Gotta keep people on their toes and all that jazz.

I can’t be the only one right? The whole calm before the storm type of feeling. Life is hard enough without your insecurities playing a role. At least you’d think. From my experience, life can be really good one moment but then something happens and tarnishes that. Then when you think back on it, you associate it with whatever pain you felt at the time. It makes me hesitant to enter situations that are similar and avoiding feeling the same feelings. Then again, I try to avoid feeling heavy emotions on a daily basis. When it comes to matters of the heart, there’s no making sense of it.

As a person who like control, feelings are not my friends. The only way I can control how I feel is if control the situation. That’s my thought process. A bad one, I’m aware. No one can control every aspect of their life.

So sometimes, when things are going really well in life, I start looking for something that could go wrong. And I’ve always believed that if you’re looking for something, you’re going to find it. I’m gradually learning to stop sabotaging good things. I guess I’m still trying to remember that I do deserve good things to happen in life and not everything has to have an end date. There’s no guarantees in life aside from death. A bit morbid to think about but the true nonetheless.

I’m not used to things going right. Let’s say it’s a long story but I’m doing my best and I encourage anyone who acts self-destructively to do the same. Go into every situation with the an open mind. Don’t decide that something isn’t worth trying or worth experience based on past experiences that may or may not have been similar. Believe that things will work out. And however they do work out, you’ll figure out how to deal with it when you need to. It’s definitely a work in progress.

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