The irony just hit me. The girl who only ever wanted friend with benefit type of relationships has found someone she wants a real relationship with only to find that he doesn’t.
It has to be some kind of karma, right? Either that or I just have really bad luck. I can’t say I’m unhappy with the whole situation. The guy I’m dating makes me happy and of course, I’d love for titles to be established. It was something that was never important to me before. Putting a title on something made it too real for me, too serious. The previous guys I’ve dated, I never let them put a title to whatever it was we were and I sure as hell avoided the conversation like the plague whenever they brought it up. I avoided to the point where after a while, they’d bring it up so often that it was easier to just end things or let them end. I don’t like ultimatums. And they always made defining the relationship one so I choose the easy way out. It helped that they weren’t the kind of guys that you really wanted a relationship with anyways. In other words, they were complete assholes that weren’t worth taking a chance on.
I’m not angry at them or anything despite my harsh words. It’s just the matter of their character. They helped me figured out the traits I didn’t like in people so it wasn’t an absolute waste of time and energy.
The guy I’m currently is different though. He’s not arrogant for one. He’s also really sweet and smart and interesting and a lot of other things (can you tell I’m crushing hard?). Everything with him feels so right. From the conversations to everything else. So yeah, I want an official relationship with him. The thing is… he’s not ready to enter another relationship. Which I can respect. I can’t say I relate since I never wanted a serious relationships until him. I never found someone I wanted to be involved with for long-term. He, on the other hand, has only really been in serious relationships. So maybe he wants a break from that and just let things play out however they’re supposed to? I’m trying my best not to put pressure on him or anything but it’s hard to ignore that I can’t exactly call him mine.
I kept thinking about the importance of titles. They never seemed like a big deal to me but then gradually I realized that I’ve love to introduce him as my boyfriend. My best friend sent me a silly post about someone ranting on Twitter about titles. It really got me thinking. A title creates boundaries and shows other that you’re together. It protects what’s yours in a sense. There are times where I feel like I can’t ask something because I’m not his girlfriend. I don’t really have that right to ask you know? There’s a line and I’m not sure how far it extends.
My biggest concern with him not wanting a relationship right now is that I’m being played. I don’t think I am just based off his personalities and what I know about him. But there’s always a possibility of things turning out that way even if there was no initial intention of doing so. In my recent post, I’ve talked a lot about taking chances and even self-sabotage. Maybe that’s what I’m doing now as well.
It was just brought to my attention that the relationship we have right now is more like a friends with benefit type of thing. I didn’t think to look at it that way. I’m not so sure that’s what it is though. We went out on dates then it turned to just hanging out at one of our houses. I think that’s pretty normal. I’m not a huge fan of going out all the time. But does that mean that we were dating and it turned to friends with benefits? That’s what my best friend is basically telling me. I hate that I’m thinking about this so much.
What I know is that I like him. I don’t really want to focus on anything other than that feeling and getting to know him more. If it works out, then great. I want that to be the case. If not… I’ll be sad about it for a while but will eventually get over it (probably). I feel like at this stage of my life, I shouldn’t be complicating things with thinking so far ahead. I need to learn how to just enjoy things while they’re happening. If I don’t have expectations, I can’t be disappointed right?
I don’t know if he’s the best choice when it comes to giving my attention and affection nor do I know if he’s the right one. Only time can really tell. I know I’d like him to be the best and the right choice. It’s a tricky situation. Knowing you shouldn’t hold out hope for something to happen but not really being able to help yourself. I do know that no matter how invested I am or how hurt I might get, I’d never regret choosing to date him.