Do you ever just have so much on your mind that you just know you won’t be able to sleep?
I’ve always been more of a night person but I usually end up falling asleep for a bit before I have to get up for the day. It’s currently 2:30am and I’m wide awake with a billions of thoughts in my head. I had really good conversations and a good conversation always puts me in a good mood.
This time though, I can’t help but think of all my insecurities. All the thoughts of how and where I fall short are consuming my mind. I kind of know why my insecurities are digging their way out but I don’t understand why I’m so stuck on them. I’m comparing myself to people I don’t even know and that’s horrible.
Comparing yourself to anyone is already pretty bad. It’s even worse when you don’t even know the person, you’re kind of just hearing stories about them. Although it’s hard to hear about someone else from a person you care about. They’re so light and cheery talking about someone else. It makes you think if they talk about you the same way to other people. It’s not something you can really know, you know?
A person’s feelings I mean. You can never truly grasp how another person is feeling about you. That’s what makes human relationships so complex. And stressful. As a curious person who likes to just learn and know about everything, it’s hard to accept that some things you can never really understand the depths of. Human emotion especially. Sure, I could probably go to school and learn how to read people’s behaviors and body languages. Psychology is pretty amazing that way. However, I don’t think any one person can fully ever understand another person.
It reminds me of a conversation I had earlier in the day. A friend of mine said that he knew me as well as he could know me but knows that he’ll never really know me. It’s a mouthful right? What he was trying to tell me was that no matter how close and how well you know a person, that person has the capacity to change at any given moment. People are constantly changing and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve always believed that it takes a few tries to find the balance between person you’re meant to be and the person you want to be.
Back to the whole insecurity thing. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to someone else. But the person I care about talks about them in a way that makes me think that they miss those days with that other person. How could I possibly compete with that? There’s a history there I know nothing about. Even if I’m told the history, I can’t comprehend the feelings that were there at the time and how the person I care about feels about it now. I mean, I could ask. However, I know that some feelings and thoughts aren’t meant to be shared with others.
I can’t help but be curious though. The person I care about seems so happy when they’re reminiscing. It makes me envious. Unreasonably so. I didn’t know them way back when to share in their memories. But I’m grateful that I know them now. I hope to make new memories with them that they’ll some day reflect on and smile about.
Feelings are difficult for me to deal with. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I’ll avoid dealing with them like the plague. I do have my moments where I embrace my emotions but more often than not, I’d much rather run from them. It has a lot to do with my abandonment issues. Oh yeah, I have abandonment issues. Something I’ll talk more about eventually. I have found that blogging and not knowing who might be reading has helped me be more open about my feelings. It’s like a journal but public. An idea that always scared me. One day, I just decided I was finally going to do it. Start a public blog that anyone could read. It’s frightening yet exhilarating at the same time.
Quick blurb: Thank you to all my readers and welcome to any newcomers. I hope you enjoy my blog. It’s basically me ranting at almost 3am or any time of the day really and posting on (mostly) a weekly basis.
Back to my point. Nights are hard for me. I’m sure there are many that can relate. All the thoughts and worries come rushing to you all at once. Sometimes you lay down, ready to just fall asleep but instead you think about everything that happened. Anything that could happen. All the things you want to happen. Hopes, dreams, just anything. All you want to do is close your eyes and turn off your brain but it feels impossible.
So here I am just thinking about my insecurities and how they can scare people away. People who I hold near and dear. People I want in my life for the unforeseeable future. It makes me second guess so much and makes me so anxious. I do realize that you just have to take the chance. Letting someone in is a struggle but sometimes it’s worth it. Other times… you question why you even need people in your life. But we’re social beings. People enjoy the company of others. There is no person (that I have met) that has been born wanting to be alone. I hope no one is alone. It’s a horrible feeling. But in order to not be alone, you have to risk the chance of getting hurt. It might take a long while before you find the right person to let in but never stop trying.
I believe that there are truly people in the world that are meant to be in your life. Whether to guide you through it, help you along the way, or to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget. May life never stop you from seeing and finding the good in not only others, but yourself. Yes, I know I sound like a fortune cookie sometimes. Unfortunately, I’m not all that great at writing but I’m trying to be better.
Late nights suck but sometimes I’m glad for them. They give me a second to really think about my life and what I want it to be. While there are plenty of negative thoughts clouding my mind, there are many positive ones that balance that out. It’s nights like this that make me anxious as hell but also gives me a moment of clarity. I wonder if anyone reading understands that feeling as well. I’d love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a good night. Oh, and Happy New Year! May you find whatever it is you are looking for in life.