Tell Me We’re Good

Do you ever just want to smack people? Like you have this whole plan in your head of how something is going to go and they don’t play their part? Yes, I may be crazy in case you were wondering.

With guys specifically though, it feels like I’m throwing out all these very subtle hints. It’d only be clearer if wore a neon poster with blink arrowing pointing to it (I have the tendency to exaggerate, but you get the point – ha ha, get it? Point, arrow… yeah you get it). Guys can be so incredibly clueless sometimes. And I’ve learned that it’s not just me who thinks so.

So I’ve been so annoyed the past few nights and when I subtly try to get the person that’s annoying me to ask me what the hell is wrong, and it goes completely over their head. I get that there’s a lot going on in a person’s life. But because of who I am to them, it’s hurtful that they don’t share what’s going on and that they’re not asking about mine.

I’d like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. If you’re busy or you just don’t really feel like conversing, cool. Just let me know. I don’t want to be a bother and if you’re taking forever to respond to my messages or don’t answer me at all, that’s exactly what I’m going to feel like. A bother. I have a lot of issues that I’m trying to work through. One of those issues makes me always feel like a nuisance unless I’m told otherwise.

It’s mostly because I’ve always had this nasty habit of believing the people in my life don’t care about me. Even when they reassure me, there’s always a part of me that’s skeptical. In my mind, I don’t deserve to be cared for or loved (I’ll go into more detail about this at some point). Only through conversation and/or physically hanging out can I really feel confident about people caring about me. Although I still get really shocked when someone wants to hang out with me. Like you actually enjoy my company? Are you sure…?

Anyways, I’m constantly worried about doing something or saying something wrong that would make people leave me. And what can I do if someone decides to walk out of my walk? Nothing. I have zero control and it drives me to an abyss of anxiety.

I know there are some people in my life that care about me. Knowing is different than actually believing it though. I’ve always thought that maybe if I tell myself something long enough, I’ll truly believe it. So I have to remind myself that these people care about me and do my best to believe it. But, some days I need more reassurance from them than others. And when they do have to reassure me, my first reaction is to apologize for being annoying for asking for what probably is the hundredth time.

With something as little as not answering me whether it be me calling or texting, I’m going to feel like I did something wrong even if it makes no sense. I’ll apologize incessantly because when things went wrong, I was usually blamed. It never mattered if it was truly my fault or not. I’ve been conditioned to assume that I fucked up somewhere, that I should have been able to control the outcome to a situation or problem.

I’m gradually learning that I can’t control every aspect of my life and that not everything is my fault but it’s extremely difficult especially when I’m not getting the reassurance I sometimes need. I need to be reminded sometimes that it’s not my fault when something goes wrong (and if it is my fault, I’ll proud take responsibility, but that has never been an problem for me). I know it’s bad to depend on others to reassure you all the time but I swear, it’s only the people that own a piece of my darkened heart that I need reassurance from. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I do mean something to them because they mean so much to me.

I’m very sure it has to do with the fact that most people that have walked out of my life did so unexpectedly. Like things were all good and well then they’re just not. They were also the people that left scars on me that can never be seen or healed. Some of those people meant the world to me and I honestly don’t know who or where I would’ve been without them. Even though I shouldn’t, I’m still always wondering what and if I did something wrong. So now I’m always worrying that someone important to me will just decide that their life is better of without me in it. It’s happened before, why can’t it happen again you know? It’s terrible to torture yourself that why but what can I say? I’m some kind of masochist apparently. The fact of the matter is that I just want to know that everything’s okay between us. I need to be reminded that you’re not going anywhere or that you’ll at talk to me before anything like that ever happened.

I know I can be needy. I want to constantly apologize for it. But I also want to be told that it’s okay that I’m not always okay. That it’s okay and absolutely fine that I need extra reassurance every now and then. My need for reassurance has been off the charts lately. On one hand, I want to ask for it. On the other, I don’t want to annoy anyone. It’s a difficult position I’m in. And honestly? I have no idea what to do.

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