There was a time that I didn’t believe in love.
Throughout high school, I was a huge book worm. I guess I still am one but I don’t get to read as often as I’d like.
Anyways. My favorite genre to read is fiction. I especially love romantic novels. I love love. Growing up, I always wanted the fairy tale ending. What Disney loving girl didn’t right? As I got a little older, I started to see how easily relationships fell apart despite the amount of effort and desire that went into it. People wanted to be together but for some reason it just didn’t work out. Or it worked out until it didn’t. Seeing all the failed relationships and helping friends get through their messy love lives, I sort of gave up on the idea of happily ever after. Of course I didn’t just decide based off other people’s circumstances. I talked to guys, dated here and there and it was a waste of time.
I was pretty cynical at one point. Love was not for me I decided. Yet I loved my romance novels. Because despite how much I didn’t believe I would ever fall in love, I still hoped to.
To me, books are just full of wonder. It doesn’t matter what the genre is, there’s always something you can take away from a book. And from those romantic novel, I always took out hope. I know the novels were works of fantasy and daydreaming but they came from someone. Someone who was maybe hoping for true love too. And maybe they found it and wrote about it. It’s also possible that those writers were still waiting for love to find them.
Let me get back on track though. I truly believed that love would never exist for me. I would never fall in love despite how much I want to experience that feeling. Sure I dated but the guys I dated? They meant nothing to me. I cared more about how I wanted to feel about them rather than what I actually felt. I thought maybe I was broken. There are different types of love (hint hint, a post to come). I love and I’ve been loved but never been in love. Never loved in the romantic sense.
Not that I know of anyways. There were guys that acted or seemed like they were or could be in love with me. But I didn’t care too much about them to really understand if their feelings ran that deep. I’d be incredulous if they did. I have a lot of issues as my frequent readers might know already. Accepting that someone loves me in any sense is pretty challenging. There’s a lot of trust that goes into it and most of the time, I’m not sure I can give that trust. There have been a handful that have earned my trust though (they’re the annoying people I write birthday letters to and are often where I get the inspiration for my writing).
For a long time, I was the girl who didn’t believe in love but still hoped and wanted for it. There’s just so much that I don’t understand and I’m still learning. I’m currently in a relationship and it’s not always smiles and sunshine. Sometimes it’s seriously frustrating. Especially when it comes to talking about emotions and all the feeling side of the relationship. I’m not good at confronting my feelings and would much rather avoid deeper conversations. But only really with him because he means a lot to me. I don’t want to say something that will mess things up. I have a lot of self-doubt that stops me from being 100% all the time. Thankfully, he gets that I need to take my time with things and is patient (when he wants to be anyways). Sometimes he’s pushy and annoying but I’m grateful for it. He pushes me out of my comfort zone to a point I can handle and understands when I need to retreat.
So am I still a hopeless romantic? Sometimes. I want all the cute relationship stuff but I also want to grow to together and continue to understand him better (trust me, it’s hella difficult). I’m older now and understand the complexities of human nature a bit better, and I change my mind. I do think falling and staying in love is possible. I see it in my best friend who had his heart broken yet continues to love the girl that did it and isn’t afraid to go out and look for a new love. I see it in my friends that go through constant, extremely challenging obstacles just to stay with their significant other because life is better with them. I see it a lot more and maybe it’s because I’m finally opening my eyes to it.
I don’t regret feeling how I did when I was in high school. I didn’t think love really meant anything when it was supposed to mean everything. I’m not sure I believe in happily ever after but now I know that it’s because I don’t want an ending. I want endless beginnings, endless adventures, endless periods of nothing, endless of complicated feelings to figure out.
My point, is that just because things don’t seem possible at the moment, doesn’t mean that it won’t ever be. Almost always, it just means that it’s not the right time. Be patient. Get through the bad times and keep going. Allow things to happen, don’t stop them because you’re afraid of things not working out. You’ll never know unless you try right? (I know, another cliché, sorry not sorry). Just always keep an open mind and don’t let past situations hold you back from experiencing new things. Like love.