Glad

I feel like my heart cracked.

Long story short, I was dumped. And I’m hurt. So fucking hurt. It feels like it’s been so difficult to breathe and like my anxiety is trying to drown me. All I can think about it what went wrong? Did I do something? There are billions of questions occupying my mind but the only one standing out is, why did I think I could be happy?

I’m glad he told me how he felt now before I did something stupid like tell him how I felt. I did it anyways of course because I don’t want to hold onto that. I don’t want the what if’s that come with not saying something when I had the chance to. I knew it wouldn’t make a different but I need to say everything, get it all out. I’m upset that he made a decision regarding our relationship without me, even if he doesn’t see that he did (guys are kind of blind). I hate that he didn’t want to talk and figure things out like a couple should. He just decided what he thinks was best for him and I can’t really fault him for that. Even if his decision cut me deep.

I’ve decided that I’m just done with dating. How is it possible to meet this amazing guy, have a good thing going, then just see it end for no good reason and have no say in the matter. Maybe I was too much. I’m a pretty huge scatterbrain and a lot to deal with. I could put the blame on him or even myself but I won’t (even if it seems like I am). For the past few months, he made me happy. Made me believe that maybe things would and could work out. That falling in love didn’t mean the end of the world. I’m grateful. For the good times and all that I’ve learned about him and myself.

Don’t get me wrong though. I’m pissed. I’m pissed and I’m hurt but what can I do? He made his decision and it doesn’t involve me. So now I have to figure out how to be friends with a guy I’m in love with. I don’t even know if it’s possible but I doubt being friends really even means anything considering his busy work schedule. Maybe a short, very casual conversation here and there. I don’t really know but I’ll willing to try.

Distance helps. It’s not like I have to face him all the time. It’s also easier to just push him away if it’s too much for me to handle. Speaking of pushing away, my amazing friends wouldn’t let me push them away to deal with things on my own. They constantly ask how I’m doing and if I need anything. They try to cheer me up in their own ways and I honestly, I feel loved and so supportive. At the same time, I know there’s nothing they can really do. I’m vulnerable as hell right now and I can’t think straight but I have them to keep me grounded when things get too much.

I opened my heart to someone I felt was worth it. He is, was. But I can’t change how he feels or doesn’t feel. I’m glad I took the chance because despite the hurt, it was worth it. I’ve always been a little broken. What’s one more crack in my shambling heart? At least I’ve had lots of practice pretending I’m okay.

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