First, and Only

My best friend has tried to convince to give him a shot in dating me since high school. Right now I’m broken hearted and hurt. Which means I spend a lot of time just laying in bed with my thoughts. And he happened to bring up the subject again and I couldn’t help but think why not?

He’s my best friend and knows me better than anyone. Not only do we have history, but we also have a lot of chemistry. Dating would be a good idea, right? The trust and a strong foundation are already established. Our friendship has been solid for seven years, why wouldn’t a relationship be solid as well? I think we could make each other happy. So why not?

Why not is because even though I’m flattered that he’s interested in me and I have no doubt that he could make me happy? I know and have always known that I can’t fall in love with him. I know him far too well and he knows me too well. There’s too much familiarity. But that’s not the biggest reason why I never entertain the idea of us getting together. The main reason is that I’m not his first and only choice.

It doesn’t seem like I’ve ever been anyone’s first and only choice but that’s what I want. I want to know that a guy built up the courage to approach me because he wants to get to know me. Not because I’m conveniently there or seem like the type to be this or that. I want to know and see that a guy will put as much effort as possible into getting me and keeping me. And more importantly, I want to know that he does all of that because he’s afraid to lose me,

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you had someone only for them turn around and basically tell you that you don’t. What I want and feel like I deserve is a guy that feels like I deserve better. And does his best to be better for me because he can’t stand the idea of me with someone else. That’s a lot to ask for nowadays. Some might even say it’s not realistic. Most of the good ones already have someone they love and cherish. Some of the good ones just aren’t ready or just haven’t found the one that makes them want otherwise. I’m sad I couldn’t be the otherwise in my recent relationship. He’s one of the good ones. But let’s stay away from my heartbreak.

What I often see around are guys that get the girl of their dreams by putting in a ton of time and effort forward. They get their girl but slowly that effort diminishes. Don’t guys know that the best way to keep a girl is always that person you showed them you were in the beginning? The sweet gestures of opening doors, random compliments, those random moments where they just look at you and smile. The moments at the beginning where they feel so lucky to have gotten you.

I’m aware that not all guys are like that. People have many ways of dating and all relationships are different but it doesn’t change the fact that in the beginning, things always seem better. Why? Because both parties put in in the time and effort to get to know each other better and build a relationship together. Then suddenly, one person seems to be doing more and the other putting in less. I don’t understand why people think that process ever stops. Time and effort is the only thing that’s going to keep your relationship strong and better it even better than it is/was.

You can never really stop learning about a person. People changed. Their views, opinions, ideas, thoughts. Time changes everything and everyone. And to me, one of the points in being in a relationship is wanting to be there to see those changes. To change and grow together. Alongside each other, Every single person has their own life. Sounds stupid but let me explain. Every person is living a life separately but as they life their life, they meet and choose people to have beside them. To share their life with someone who wants to also share theirs.

You don’t know what a person is going through. Sure, they can tell you about it and you can feel a level of empathy or sympathy, you can be there beside them through the good and bad times but you can never truly understand what they’re going through.

That’s part of a relationship though. Living individual lives but choosing to do so beside someone you love. To share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with them. Allowing them to be by your side through it all and remaining by theirs as they face the challenges life throws at them. Supporting them however you can.

That’s exactly what I want. For someone to choose me to be by their side as they grow and become the person they’re meant to be, they kind of person they want to be. To develop a relationship that last and build something amazing together, like a family.

I feel like I’ve been hurt and done wrong so many times by others that I couldn’t hurt someone (in the romantic way I mean). I know what it feels like to not feel supported or to be belittled or not taken seriously. I’ve gone through a lot that I never want to put another person through.

And you know what? I’m proud of myself. I have closed my heart to people that didn’t appreciate me and I’ve opened my heart to people I felt was worth taking a risk on. I learned from all those experiences and while I’m bitter with an “I don’t give a shit” attitude sometimes, it doesn’t change how I actually feel. I’m still willing to open my heart to someone that shows me they’re worth it. I’d be hella scared to of course but gradually, I will. Despite all the hurt, I have a lot of love to give the right person.

I meant it before when I said I was done dating. If a guy wants to make me his, he’s in for a helluva hard time getting through my walls. And if a guy does manage to show me he’s worth it, I won’t be afraid to love him with all that’s left of me. I’ll wholeheartedly put in as much, if not more effort into building a relationship with someone that wants to build one with me.

I’m not sure I have a lot of hope of it actually happening. What I want might not be realistic. But I don’t want to settle and I never want anyone to feel like they’re settling for me. For once, I want to be the prize. The one worth fighting for. The one that isn’t irreplaceable to someone. The one that they’re afraid to lose. The one they see and want a future with. To be someone’s first and only choice when it comes to the heart.

My standards are high and that’s okay. I don’t expect everything I want. When it comes down to it, I just want someone that is going to want me as much as I want them.

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