Nothing, Nada, Niente

This is going to be a sad one, just a warning.

Have you ever felt your motivation slipping? Day by day, you lose interest in things you usually enjoy doing or things you know you’re supposed to do. Like last week, I should have been studying for finals but I had zero motivation to do so. Hell, just getting out of bed is pretty difficult yet going to bed was even more so. Maybe it’s the depression? That’s what it usually is but I just feel… numb. I guess that’s the best word to describe it. My friend said maybe I’m disassociating, which is a possibility of course. I honestly don’t know what it is that’s making not feel. It happens on occasion and you’d think by now I’d see it coming.

It always starts with gradually not wanting to do the things I need to. Like school work, clean, even shower (I still do this one because I hate not being clean and my skin bothers me if I don’t). Then I binge watch shows but don’t pay attention to them. I keep it on as background noise, but typically I’m great at multitasking. Paying attention to few things at once and I even like doing two or three things at once, it keeps me busy. But then I kind of lose the that ability when I start feeling numb. I just slowly stop caring about the things that were bothering me – that’s a not so bad thing about it. I don’t really think about anything, I don’t worry and I just don’t care. That’s not like me. Caring about the things around me and especially the people around me is what makes me, me. I always care a lot. But when I’m feeling like I have been, I just don’t anymore.

I don’t care to text people (I’ll answer if they texted me but otherwise don’t care if they do or not). I won’t really reach out or even tell them about my numbness. I don’t want to talk to anyone and anyone that does try to talk to me (in person), there’s instant annoyance and the desire for them to just go away and leave me alone. It makes me push people away. Partly because I don’t want them to deal with my weird mood but also because it just doesn’t matter to me – I’d rather not be bothered with their questions. Their love and concern me for might as well not exist because I don’t feel it. I don’t care that they care, I don’t care that they’re concerned about me, I don’t care about anything they might have to say. And that’s shitty of me. I force myself to engage the best I can and answer how I typically would, which is with care, concern, and interest for them and what they have to say. But I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m lying.

I know, I literally just said that I don’t feel anything. And I don’t, but I do? It’s like I’ll suddenly feeling everything at once then I’ll just shut down because it’s too much. The guilt of being so selfish makes me crave the numb feeling and I’ll revert back into that. I’ll feel nothing yet subconsciously, I’m still there. Feeling everything while I feel nothing. Confusing right? I’m not even sure I’m explaining it well or how to do it better.

I thought maybe writing would help me feel better about it, make me feel something. It doesn’t. But it gives me something to do. I’m hoping that if I just keep doing things that I normally would, I’ll get out of my slump. Maybe the numb feeling will fade out as randomly and just quickly as it set it. Kind of like a rollercoaster. Getting higher felt slow but the drop was quick and I’m just stuck in the constant downfall. Anyway, I’m hoping that even though it feel like it’s taking forever to reach the peak, the drop down will be more positive then the first drop. I don’t know if that was a good analogy but I’m going to use it anyways.

There is one really good thing that’s come out of this. I don’t think about my ex and miss him. Hell, I don’t even care if he never talks to me again. I’m hoping that doesn’t change when I’m more myself again. I was getting pretty tired of thinking about someone that likely doesn’t think about me. And why would he right?

Anyways, I’m hoping I start feeling more myself before I do or say something that hurts someone I love. There are so many things in the world that can’t be taken back and this I don’t give a fuck mentality of mine is going to get me or someone I care about hurt and that’s the last thing I’d want. Feelings or lack of, I don’t want to hurt anyone.

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