I’ve taken a long break from writing and I’m not sure if anyone’s really cared or noticed but I’m hopefully going to be more consistent.
Anyways, lately, I’ve been feeling extremely lost. I work constantly and that’s good but it doesn’t feel like I’m doing all the things I want or really doing things to strive towards what I want. I’m fortunate to have a job where I can put money away for school but I’m constantly questioning if school is even for me.
Other than school, I find myself wondering if the people in my life are still meant to be there. Everything I do, I seem to question. And every question just leads to frustration because I don’t have an answer. And honestly? I have no idea how to come up with one.
Like me jump back. I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in life in the slightest. I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. And my injury set me back quite a lot mentally, emotionally, and very very physically. I’m still learning which is the best path to take to get to where I want to be with the limitations I now have. And let me tell you, even after all the physical therapy, it’s still difficult. Many days, I think perhaps I was discharged from PT too early. There’s still so much I’m incapable of doing or don’t know how to do safely. Like running. I can’t run and it saddens me. Before, if I were feeling overwhelmed, I’d go for a jog to clear my head and it helped. Now I walk around my house because I know the environment and it’s safer than roaming around outside where I’d likely have to seat because my knee gets tired or the rest of my body gets tired from picking up the slack of where I lack (haha that rhymes). It’s difficult knowing you have so much limits that other people your age don’t. And while it shouldn’t define me, it kind of does. My injury shouldn’t be my identity but I’m not really sure who I am anymore. For a past few years, I’ve been the girl that got injured really bad. Where do I go from there?
Let’s move on to friendships though. I love my friends. My group of friends has a special place in my heart. They’re like family to me. But sometimes… well sometimes it feels like I don’t mean anything to them. And I get that we all have a pretty difficult time expressing ourselves but so often, I feel like they should know me better than to take my words at face value.
The thing about me is that I don’t like lying. But I’m really good at it. I’m very convincing because you know, every lie begins with the truth. So I’ll constantly say I’m okay when I’m breaking inside. Always reassure everyone that I’m good and no I don’t need/want to talk but dear lord do I need to. My head always feels like a hurricane just flew in but instead of focusing on that, I focus on the sunshine (lol, get it, hurricane sunshine? Yes, I’m aware I’m an idiot. Love me anyway will you?). But seriously. It feels like I’m constantly walking in the dark, trying to reach the smallest light but it seems to just get further and further away. It’s also how I feel about school.
Every week that pasted with school, I thought I was heading towards that light, ya know? In this case, it’s the passing grade but then I get to the end only to find that it’s not an end. The light got further and I have to continue towards it. It’s an endless cycle.
I feel lost in life. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I have no idea what I want. How to get where I want to be and I’m not even sure where I wanted to be is still what I want to work towards. I know life plan’s aren’t set in stone and I never thought or planned it as such but it feels like I’m so far off course. I’m not sure it’s worth striving for. Maybe it’s time to rethink what I truly want and where I see myself in the next few years. I don’t even know where to start.
You just have this picture in your head of your life you know? And of course it doesn’t always work out but I’m so afraid of nothing working out. Like any path I choose to go down, I’ll hit a dead end. I don’t want to just wander around looking for the right way. Although it might be the only way to find the path that’s right for me. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do that.