Bad Habits

I have many bad habits. The biggest and worst habit I have is holding all my emotions inside and staying quiet when I should be doing the exact opposite.

I’ve stated multiple times on my blog that I’m pretty bad at expressing my feelings yet most of my blog has been about my feelings. It’s true that it’s just easier to text or write out when you think no one is reading or if you don’t really know who’s reading. I’ve always found that telling your thoughts and feelings to strangers is a lot easier than telling them to those you care about.

Why is that? Shouldn’t it be easier? These are the people in your life that love and care about you. But the truth of the matter is, it’s because they love and care about you. You care very much about what they’ll think of you and there’s nothing really wrong with that. It’s natural to feel that way. Quite often it’s just the little voice of self-doubt telling you this. Telling you (perhaps subconsciously), that your family/friends will think differently of you. The harsh reality is that once you confide in someone, it can change their opinion of you.

Sometimes for the better, but it’s the chance of it changing in a negative way that prevents us from truly opening up. But how do you expect to build your relationship with someone if you don’t trust that they’ll still be there after you’ve said whatever it is you needed to say? It’s easier said than done of course.

I’ve noticed that the people I want to be closer with, the less vocal I am about my thoughts and opinions. And then it becomes one of the reasons they’re no longer in my life. Yet, I’m incessantly oversharing with people I likely won’t see again or have just an acquaint relationship with. Weird how that works, huh? I hate it. When I meet someone I’d like to be closer with, my first thought is that they couldn’t handle me when I’m full on me. If that makes sense.

It’s dose by dose and slowly increasing how myself I am around people. Is that fake of me to do? I don’t feel like it is. I’m not trying to portray someone or something I’m not. I think of it as not letting this new person see every side of me until they’ve proved that they can handle. Like when dating my first love (I can’t think of a clever way to put that, so hush). Anyways, when I was dating him, I let some shit slip that was too much for so early in the relationship and it surprised me when he just listened and was still there afterwards. It made me say a lot more and made me forget that it’s still really early in the relationship. I gave up too much, too fast ya know?

While no relationship has a timetable for when things should and shouldn’t happen, I felt like we became too much too soon because it was just easy to. He accepted everything I said and did so easily that I forgot that good things take time. Not that the relationship was a bad time. Moral of the little tangent, I shouldn’t have revel all sides of me so soon. But at the same time, I feel like I didn’t revel enough. Like how bossy and opinionated I am.

Questions like what do you want to eat, where do you want to go, what do you want to do? Questions that seem like your significant other doesn’t have an answer for, I always did. Yet I never told him because it was easier to go along with what he wanted considering I wanted to appeal to him. That was stupid.

I mean, I’m that way with my friends too. I’d rather be considerate of what they’d prefer because I’m easy to please. I can eat whatever, I can go or not go anywhere, and I can do anything or nothing. However, with my group of friends, if they can’t decide, I will. If my friends give me full reign, I take it happily. But I was scared to do that with the guy I was dating. Hindsight is 20/20 though. I should have gone with my gut.

It’s a bad habit, what can I say? You should always trust your gut. My problem is that sometimes I don’t realize soon enough what my gut is saying. Don’t have my bad habit. Don’t be afraid to say whatever it is you want to say. Don’t be afraid to scare people off by oversharing. They people that matter, the ones that truly want you in their life won’t just go away. Especially when it comes to sharing your feelings. And absolutely do not regret anything you’ve said or done. At the time, it’s what you wanted.

Also, sorry not sorry that this post was all over the place. Welcome to my mind.

E

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