Do you know what it’s like to…

… not trust anyone?

To go through life questioning everyone’s motives. Not setting yourself up to be disappointed because, in the past, everyone you trusted turned their back on you when you really needed them. Didn’t matter how often you were there for them or how much you cared for them. It doesn’t mean a damn thing. The sad truth is that we’re all just human.

Anyone would start to question why they put so much trust in others. Even when you know you’re going to end up hurt. You continue to open yourself to others. Continue to find the good in people. Then when it’s not there, you make it up and convince yourself that it’s the truth.

… struggle emotionally?

Seeing all the happiness around you and being irritated because you don’t understand. Experiencing only negativity and darkness that you can’t see the light even if it shines in front of you. Feeling so angry inside, not understanding why when all you want is to be happy. To deny yourself any feeling because you know it’s only temporary. Constantly telling yourself that “it’s okay” just to make it through the day without breaking down. Wanting to give up every step down the path you chose for yourself in life. Not seeing a reason to continue with the lies but it’s all you know so you keep going through the motions, hoping to someday understand.

… feel alone?

Being surrounded by people you call friends and family yet none seem to care there’s a barrier between you and them. Never bringing down that barrier because you know what the other side holds. You see how fake they are to each other. Claiming love and trust yet so ready to push a knife when you turn your back. From behind the glass, you see it all and you can’t risk your heart for it anymore. You stand alone. Not letting others in and not allowing yourself to need others.

It starts to feel cold eventually. That feeling of self-isolation catches up with you, you question if it was the right decision. What do you do then? You tell yourself, just one more time. Just one more time you’re going to open your heart to those people. Allow them to see you. Only to end up looking up at them after they step on your back to get where they want to be.

Do you know what it’s like to feel like there’s a neverending storm brewing inside of you, tearing you up bit by bit until you feel like you just can’t take anymore and just break…

(I wrote this when I was in high school and was pretty damn angry at the world)

E

 

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