Let You Down

This is going to be in reference to the song Let You Down by NF.

So I didn’t think I’d ever really want to write about songs just because everyone interprets them differently or take away something another person might not. But this song really hit home with my relationship with my father.

So I’ve mentioned having abandonment issues before, but what I haven’t mentioned was that it derived from my dad constantly leaving me throughout my childhood.

As a child, how your parents behave and interact with you sets the standards for how you treat everyone else in life. So many times, we don’t realize how much of our past effects our present and future. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not always the case but there are too many people that continue to let their environment impact their live choices.

Your environment absolutely influences you very heavily when you’re young but as you get older, you have to open your mind up to everything. Get the facts and decide, based on your beliefs and morals what is right and wrong.

End tangent.

Back to the subject matter, Let You Down really describes the relationship I have with my father. All my life, he tried to forget he had a kid by constantly going out and eventually leaving altogether. Going so far as to move to a different continent (and before you say it was probably for work, it wasn’t. My father hasn’t worked for over twelve years).

When I was younger, I didn’t understand and I cried. Then he came back only to leave again. The cycle just repeated over and over until he decided to to stay. But then he decided he didn’t really need to see me or talk to me. His fatherly duty is to maybe text on a holiday or if he forgot my birthday.

I tried my best to have a relationship. At least in high school. I tried to go to his house at least once a week (he only lives a few blocks away), and I’d try to call at least twice a week. As I got older and older, I finally saw how drained I was after each visit. Visiting him because dreadful, because every single visit left with me hating myself just a little more.

I’m not thin. I’m not smart enough. I don’t work hard. I don’t understand anything. I don’t make any sense. I have a hard head. I’m stubborn. I’m not listening. I’m not living the right way. I’m making all the complicated decisions. I’m worrying too much about financial aid. I’m stressed for no reason. Why is life hard for me? Why am I concerned about my mom? Why do I take on responsibilities like work when I should only ever focus on school? Why is school so hard for me? Why can’t I be like this or that?

It never ends. After each and every visit to my dad’s house, I leave crying and depressed. I don’t want to care about what he says and I shouldn’t. He didn’t play any part in raising me. He was never there or even around. He has no say in how I live my life. Yet it bothered me. His words did affect me. You probably know where this is going but I always feel like I’m letting him down.

But, I know I don’t owe him anything. He’s my father by blood but he was never a dad to me. He was someone I felt like an had an obligation to that never gave me anything but heartache in return. And that hurt. He’s supposed to be the one man in my life that I could absolutely trust and count on. I know there aren’t guarantees in life but your parents? The people that brought you into this world or the people that take on that role of raising and providing for you? You should be able to trust. You should know in your mind and especially your heart that no matter what happens, good or bad, they’re going to be there for you.

It sounds a lot like a myth to me. I don’t have a good relationships with my parents. I’ve tried so hard to meet their expectations and not once did they think to ask me how I felt or what I want. I’m luck enough to have parents and that’s something I would never take for granted. But I’m not a doll. I’m tired of trying to please them and I thought I stopped trying a long time ago. Sometimes I still catch myself trying. I’m lucky I have parents though. The problem is that they constantly make me feel like giving me life was the biggest and worst mistake they ever made.

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