Communication is the key to any good relationship and I finally understand why it’s so damn difficult.

Let’s use me as an example. I love talking and can talk about almost anything and everything, except my feelings. It’s especially difficult trying to explain my feelings to people I really should be discussing them with.

The problem is, sometimes I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling so how exactly am I supposed to explain it to someone else? I will admit that sometimes when I’m trying to talk to someone about it, I kind of just figure it out as I talk. It’s all over the place of course but if you ever have a conversation with me, you’d know that’s not out of the norm. I love going on tangents and having dozens of different conversations at once (as very apparent in my writing).

Anyways! Sometimes it’s not as easy as figuring it out as I talk to someone. There are so many times that I’m feeling so many different things that it all kind of gets lost and tangled together. I feel like a lot of people can relate. There are also times where I know exactly how I’m feeling but I refuse to accept it. Or at least vocalize it.

Some feelings I’ll accept but won’t admit out loud. I think we’ve all done this. Especially when it comes to how and what we feel for other people. It gets pretty complicated if you also have a history with them. Doesn’t matter how short or how long. Your history with people just changes things. That’s kinda what’s happening with me now. I have a history with this person and it alters the how I think and feel about them. It also makes me hesitant in telling them how I feel.

Because for once, I do know what I’m feeling (and let me tell you, that is an awesome feeling in itself). But I’m not ready to say anything because I’m not really getting anything in return. I don’t mean in a physical, materialistic way. What I mean is, my words aren’t going to get reciprocated so is there really a point in saying anything? Sometimes, yes. There is a point. The point would be just to get what you’re feeling across without care of receiving a response. What I’m feeling right now absolutely requires a response. And let’s not forget, no response IS a response. It’s one that fucking hurts too. So I can’t really say I’m ready for whatever answer I receive.

Silence can be a killer in some situations. I’m afraid that I’ll just get hurt by verbally admitting my feelings. It sounds kinda stupid but my history with the person tells me I shouldn’t say anything and just leave it. Other times
I just wanna scream it. And I typically have to catch myself from blurting it out. I’m not sure which is the best decision here. I’m constantly battling with myself over it and it seriously sucks.

For now, I figure I’ll just leave things how they are and see if the answers I seek come out on their own. Fingers crossed.

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