The L Word

Scary. I know. I don’t think any is as irrational about it as I am. I’m only talking about in relationships here (and not with family).

I think most people say it too casually. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s truly how you feel, how often you say it doesn’t change the value. But I don’t think most people even know what love is anymore. Granted there are different types of love. Loving somebody, being loved by somebody, and being in love with somebody. Three different forms of love that could possibly break your heart a million times over. That’s why it’s so scary. To me anyways.

What I’m getting at is that they easily get caught up in the moment and the words just spill out. Maybe that’s truly how they feel. There’s no timeline for love. But I don’t think it should be taken as lightly as people typically do.

I love fiercely. The people in my life that I care about, they know I love them despite how mean or bitchy I am. Hopefully, none of them ever doubt it because I don’t let a lot of people in. I don’t tell them often but I should. I know I treasure being told. It’s nice to hear once in a while. Even if my response doesn’t exemplify that.

Growing up, it wasn’t something I heard often so it was just normal for me not to say it either. But now it’s difficult for me to say aloud to people. I can text it just fine but that’s obviously less personal. I was just thinking about how I constantly dodge it when I’m face-to-face with someone. I can’t say it without some kind of insult or I’ll just get really uncomfy about it.

I have a friend that tells me she loves me just to shut me up because she knows it makes me uncomfy but I also know she means it every time. I know that response should be that I also love her but that’s not typically what goes through my head. I find it incredulous every time. It’s the same feeling I get when someone actually wants to talk to or hang out with me. I’m generally a boring person. I could sit and stare at a wall for hours and be perfectly fine. It’s not something I do, I constantly have shit to do but I’m just saying, I could. And I could be entertained by it.

Anyways, it scares me. Saying it aloud I mean. You know that saying, “Speak it into existence”? Well, I’m afraid of that. What if I say it to someone only to realize I don’t feel it the way I should? Or I don’t feel that way but I want to? I will absolutely find a way to convince myself that I do even when deep down I know I don’t. It’s a terrible habit I have. Lying to myself to make myself feel better but the underlying anxiety still exists in the back of my back. I know I’m overthinking it.

When I’m with my boyfriend (and if you’re reading this, fucking stop here). There are times where I just want to blurt it out how I feel because in that moment, that’s all I can hear in my head. But I bite my tongue or say something else that implies it, like “You know how I feel about you.” And sure, he probably does because my actions typically show my feelings but it’s definitely something I should confirm or repudiate. I keep thinking there’s going to be a perfect moment where I’ll just know for sure, without any doubt. But honestly, I’m scared and won’t allow myself to say anything. Things could just end… again.

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