Confused

So, a few weeks ago I ended my romantic relationship. At first, it felt like it was the right decision. And it still does, but it’s also very confusing.

Every day that went by, I couldn’t help think that I didn’t really want to date anymore. I love getting to know people but honestly, I hate dating. It’s so nerve-wracking and I’m already a hella nervous person.

I was talking to my oldest friend yesterday to get a male perspective and it helped so much. He’s very similar to my (now) ex in the way he communicates his feelings, which is he doesn’t really do it. It’s all about looking at their actions. I’ve always looked at actions for the truth but being the person I am, I also needed to hear it.

I’ll admit that I can be very annoying about feelings. I’ve come a long way in learning how to express mine through words and apparently, I forgot how long it took me to get to this point and that maybe some people aren’t there or even want to be there yet. So when I ask about feelings, I always want an immediate answer (because it’s seriously anxiety inducing to wait). BUT, it really wasn’t cool of me to do that. It takes a lot of time and thought to sort how your feelings, even more if your mind is just constantly jumbled with other things.

Anyways, my ex finally texted me and got everything off his chest. Which is awesome really. Really proud of him and appreciate that he took the time to do that and tell me about it even though he no longer had to. It made a huge difference and made me extremely confused. The way he said it seemed like he still wanted to be together but he’s not huge on choosing his words carefully. Where I analyze everything and choose my words wisely, he uses the ones that do enough to get his thoughts across but they’re not always clear.

Like seriously, I should just ask. But I’m tired of always asking about that stuff. I figured I’d just leave the ball in his court. I may have ended things, but it’s not like I wanted them to end. I think we have a strong relationship that needs a lot of work. I’m fine with us just being friends, I guess. There’s always going to be a part of me that will want him as more than a friend, but if he just wanted to be friends… I’m here for that. But if he wants more, he’s going to have to initiate that conversation. I have no idea what’s going on.

When I hung out with him post-relationship, it seemed like he kept trying to be close to me (at least physically). Me being the weak bitch that I am avoided him as much as I could. Made sure to not sit next to him, didn’t flirt, didn’t bend over when he stood behind me (don’t judge me, I’m a hoe like that), not stand too close, shit, i didn’t even make eye contact and I’m huge on eye contact. I was scared. When we’re together, it’s so easy to forget everything. I love being with him and being around him. It’s not like I can hide or forget that we have a unique connection. Our personalities just fit, if that makes sense. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve really felt it before.

It’s hard not to just bring it up. I’m very type A about most things. Like do you want to be in a relationship with me??? Do you just wanna be friends??? If I’m wondering, I’m looking for the answer or demanding it. Really bad habit. That’s how I’ve been going through life so it’s hard to change. I need to stop the chasing him and see if I’m worth chasing to him. I don’t really know what I want, being together or not that is. Okay, that’s a lie. I absolutely know but that’s another conversation for a different time.

Hope you guys enjoy my clutter fuck of a life so far. I promise you, I’m only getting more lost and confused as I get older.

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