Strange Chronicle 2: 5

Hello everyone. Few months ago, I wrote a blog about a “friend” who was dealt a hard blow in life. She experienced raped and had to witness the death of the only love of her life. You didn’t think that was the end of the story, did you? She told me that having an abortion was her decision. Yes, it was not her decision to be raped but at the same time, she made the decision to abort the pregnancy. Looking back, although God probably had a plan for the kid, she’s glad that she aborted the pregnancy. She said that a mother’s love is one of the most important things in the life of the child. If she had taken the decision to keep the baby, she would have hated the child and would have hated herself because the child would always remind her of the incident. After aborting the child, she was mentally and emotionally depressed, and was disappointed and ashamed of her body. It was like her world came crashing down. Although aborting the child was her decision, at the same time, she was a victim. It took the death of the love of her life to realize how to deal with the situation. She realized that she needs to forgive the guy and also forgive herself. I was shocked. I said “You just lost the love of your life and you wanted to forgive the person who raped you? If he didn’t rape you, maybe you wouldn’t have gone through all the craps you went through and your man might not have been dead.” She smiled. She said that first of all, the guy never even asked for forgiveness. So it was even more difficult to forgive. But she realized that the purpose of forgiving the guy isn’t meant to make the guy feel better, it’s to make herself feel better. If she had not been trying so hard to forget what happened, maybe her lover might not have died. People who are hurt won’t know when they hurt others, even when they are only trying to show love. She said that it was hard and it took a long time but she took the decision to forgive the man because she prioritizes her peace of mind over anything else. She had been through so much hurt by others and by herself and the only person left to love her is her. She had no one else to support her. She not only decided to forgive him, but also to forgive herself for aborting the child. She said that she realized that abortion means she destroyed a life but she had to forgive herself and stop putting herself through so much headache and heartache. She said that her past hunted her so much that she had no choice but to forgive her rapist and herself at the same time. The pain of her being raped and having abortion was nothing compared to losing her man. After forgiving her rapist and herself, she told herself to stop fighting against herself by trying to forget. She told me that she started to understand that there will be moments when the flashbacks would come and she would tell herself that it’s okay to have the flashbacks. The world is not going to end and no one is going to die. She accepted it as part of her past and she realizes that she can never go back to change the past. Her understanding of “forgive and forget” used to be that she would pray to God for forgiveness while she tries to forget. She said that this believe was wrong for her. She should not have gone with that believe. She asked me that how do I expect God to love me if I don’t love myself? In the same way, how do I expect God to forgive her if she doesn’t forgive herself. In addition to the years she wasted by trying to forget what happened, she said that it took years to forgive her rapist and herself but she did. After that, she started to find peace within herself by loving herself. She said that there’s no way she could love herself or anyone in the right way if she never forgave herself. She tried to love but it wasn’t right. Hate and love don’t mix well together. After that, she began her redemption phase, where she found something to be passionate about and decided to make up for lost times. Her confidence started to grow as she did. She went back home with her 2 kids. She went back to school at the age of 50. She’s now a professor. She said that all these stuffs sounds easy but they were not easy at the time. It was like her world was fading away but it all started when she made that conscious decision to not let her past define her. Life is a step by step journey and she said that at one point, she almost gave up on her redemption journey because she just couldn’t see the big picture and she felt like it’s not working and it’s pointless. But day by day, step by step, she got there. She told me that there are things she can’t control. Sometimes, she would see or hear things that would make her remember the incident or randomly remember the incident. She would always smile and tell herself that it’s okay. She learned to finally face her demons, instead of running away from them, and make peace with them. She said it wasn’t easy at first but then again, she can’t always control what she sees or hear, so when she remembers her past, she would be grateful for her life because now, she is appreciative of every little thing that life gives her. Sometimes, when she’s very uncomfortable about a part she remembered, she tries to talk about it to a loved one that would always be there to listen to her. She said that she has already made peace with herself, so keeping those uncomfortable remembrances to herself is like poisoning her minds again. Not being appreciative enough and being too focused on her past cost her the life of someone she loves. She’s not going to let that happen again, especially since she’s a mother. All the love and focus she gave her man but wasn’t enough, she would give it to his kids. I guess every movie really do have a good ending. It’s all about the perspective from which you see it. Danke, Stranger.

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