First Love & A Rant

A person can fall in love many times, but the magic of feeling love for someone the first time in life is a unique experience.

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You know what makes first love so difficult? It’s the first time you fell for someone. But what you have to remember is that it doesn’t last most of the time.

If you’re still with your first love, kudos to you because it doesn’t happen often. I hope your relationship continues to grow and that you fall more in love with your partner every day.

For those that loved and lost, same. It sucks, right? It took me a while to get to the point where I’m glad things ended. Yes, I loved him and I fell in love with him. It didn’t last long but our relationship made me happy. And when things ended yet again, I was devastated because this time, I knew I was done. There was a lot of crying and a lot of spacing out. I felt numb and lost all at the same time. I didn’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I was depressed and it seriously sucked. Me depressed usually means me pushing everyone away.

It was really hard. But then I understood why. Well, now I understand why. Your first love is someone you’re learning to open your heart to. To trust them with everything that is you in hopes that it’s enough while hoping they’re doing the same. It’s scary. Putting your time and effort in building a relationship. There’s also that hope that you’ll be together for a long time. Unless you’re like me, anxious with tons of abandonment issues and can’t stop thinking that things are just going to end because it’s too good to be true. I think that’s a feeling that fade with time and security in the relationship. With my first love, I didn’t get there.

It was sad and it hurt, a lot. It hurt even more the second time around because I was stupid enough to try again with the same person. I don’t regret it, though I probably should. I learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have if I didn’t get back together with him.

The shittiest thing about first love, at least for me and a couple friends agree, is that you never really stop having love for them. You forever have a soft spot for that person even when all they do is annoy you and piss you off now. I definitely learned my lesson though.

If the words and actions don’t match up, it’s not going to work. When we initially got back together, I made sure to put my intentions forward. I want to be with someone that I can love unconditionally, that will build a life with me and eventually tie the knot with. Someone that would feel and want the same at some point. Things were good but with the upcoming date of our break up the first time, a lot of emotions were stirring in me.

I needed to know that we were still on the same page. Apparently we weren’t and I had to end it because I didn’t want to be an afterthought. I wanted to be included in his future plans and to know that he did want us to be together in the future. But when you hear that the person you love only thinks of you as short-term, well, there’s not much you can do. And I refuse to accept that hurt just to continue a relationship that had no prospect of going anywhere. It was seriously difficult. To bring up the conversation, to have it, and to suffer silently until I got back to my car.

It’s better to have known sooner rather than later. It doesn’t change that he was my first love. I’ll always love him in some way, shape, or form. Don’t get me wrong though, I hate that I still love him. A while ago, he told me that I was lucky that we were still friends. I was pissed. I wasn’t the lucky one. I was the one with the broken heart. The one that fell in love and stupidly thought it was okay to because it was him. But him? He was fine and he was very wrong. I’m not the lucky one, he is.

He’s lucky to have had someone like me care about him so completely. Someone that supported him in any and every single thing he did. Who was proud of his accomplishments, big and small. Someone that respected him and admired his ideas. Lucky to have someone like me fall in love with him and continue to wish him the best in life and hopes for his happiness even after it’s all said and done. He was lucky to have me in his life and he didn’t see that. He saw it the other way around even though I was the one left hurt.

I’m not perfect. I’m a bitchy person. I can be really introverted and stubborn. Sometimes I’m clueless and things just go over my head. I can have crazy random mood swings. And there are times when my depression and anxiety consume me. I’m in my head way too much, constantly overthinking things. I’m really scatterbrained and I have a ton of trust issues and fears that may or may not be rational. I’m an oddball. I’m just me, and me is… a lot. But, I’m a pretty great person. I was an awesome girlfriend and I am an amazing friend. I’m lucky to have the people I have in my life, and you know what? They’re lucky to have me too. I’m at the point where I refuse to waste my time and effort on people that don’t appreciate me for me.

Side note: I want to make it clear that I’m not hurt or angry, or anything anymore about my ex. I wrote this blog a while back when I was hurt and angry and a lot of other things. As with most of my blog post, they are written well beforehand so that I can stay consistent in posting weekly.

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