Outside of Me

There are so many moments in my life where I disassociate. I didn’t even realize it’s what I was doing until I tried explaining it to a good friend of mine. I spend far too much time feeling like I’m watching myself go through the motions. Doing what’s expected of me but not really being there. My head is simply elsewhere. Depression seems to be the root of most of my issues, so maybe it’s where the disassociating came from or maybe vice versa.

I didn’t really understand it at first when my friend brought it up. So I did a little research. “Dissociation can be defined as disruptions in aspects of consciousness, identity, memory, physical actions and/or the environment” (Read more about it because this is a personal blog, not a medical one). Anyways, it was pretty broad and I’m still not sure I completely get it. From the few sites I read, it stated that disassociation typically derives from trauma during childhood. It’s not the only cause, but it’s the most common.

But I can’t remember anything traumatic happening to me during childhood. Maybe that’s the point. I know my childhood wasn’t the best, but I try to remember it fondly. Aside from my parents hating each other and being bullied by kids around me, I don’t think it was all that bad. I know I spent a lot of time alone, that hasn’t changed any. Now I prefer being alone.

It’s important to deal with the past of course. You can’t completely be in the present or prepare for the future without it. Perhaps that’s why I always feel so lost or feel like I’m missing something. Perhaps, it’s why I disassociate. It’s been fairly bad lately. One minute I’m there, completely. Then I’m suddenly gone. I’m watching myself do things, physically feel it happening like I’m really there but it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes I’m dazed and sometimes it’s all really clear, neither way, it doesn’t feel like me.

I hate that. Not feeling like me. Like I have to fight with myself, to just be myself. It feels like a never ending battle and I don’t think it’s supposed to be like that. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do. I usually just ride it out. When I see myself doing or saying things, I just stay in the backseat until I can finally get out. It’s when I’m dazed, but realize I’m not there that I feel really stuck. Like I want to wake up and can’t. I don’t want to spend a lifetime feeling lost or like I’m stuck anymore.

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