The last weekend, I celebrated my birthday. I don’t usually like celebrating and I could never really explain why. My mom and I always fought about it. She always wanted to celebrate and I didn’t want her to go through the trouble. I probably mentioned it before but growing up with a single-mother, I was very conscious of our financial situation. We weren’t poor but we did need government help. I never wanted her to spend the money just so I could have a birthday party.
Year after year, I insisted I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday and year after year, my mom and I fought on my birthday. It just added to why I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. Who wants to fight with their mother on their birthday? That was the day, you know? The day you both finally met after being so close for so long. I know I probably sound like a hippie or something but it’s a beautiful sentiment. Your birthday I mean.
It hit me on a night I wasn’t exactly sober, attention is selfish.
But was it? I grew up believing so without realizing it. I convinced myself that I wasn’t important enough to take priority to anyone, not even my parents. It felt selfish that I wanted them to stay together when it only hurt them and that’s when I decided I would do my best to never be selfish. To never prioritize myself over someone else. To value everyone else before myself. To put myself second in my own life.
Let me tell you how much it hurt to finally understand that. It made me shed tears I didn’t know I had. It reminded me of what a counselor said to me the one time I found the courage to seek help. She said that it sounds like I have a lot of things I never dealt with. I thought that was stupid. I confront my problems head on, or at least try really hard to – everyone loses to depression before they learn to overcome it. It was stupid because it scared me. It scared me so much that I run away. No surprise, that I’m still running away right? I recognize that I should be running toward the help. You have to get so much worse before you can start to heal. Instead I run away and continue to make an enemy of myself.
Isn’t it great that I devalue myself so much? I think so too. Do as I say, not as I do. DO seek help when you recognize you need it. Do NOT ignore your pain in favor of anything or anyone else. You are the most important person in your life.
Moral of this story that didn’t have to be so deep, celebrate your life when you can. Do the whole birthday celebration and go crazy. You’ll make mistakes and you’ll look back and laughing about it. I know I’ll forever cherish spending time with my favorite people. Just hanging out and getting seriously fucked up for a weekend. Enjoy life in ways you’ll remember.
Side note: Excuse the lack of post last week, I’ve been working nonstop so I haven’t really experienced much to discuss. I’ve been thinking a lot lately though and I can’t wait to share my thoughts with you! Thank you for reading, hope you all have a terrific weekend!