Storytime! It’s gonna be a trip, bear with me.
I’m sure I’ve touched on this topic before but I’m not sure I ever really explained it? If I did, well, I’ve been writing for a while and can no longer keep track of what the hell I’m writing. I’ll create some kinda document for that later now that I’m thinking about it.
Towards the end of 2016. I wasn’t in the greatest place and my entire family was still getting used to the lack of my uncle’s presence in our lives. It was a tough time for everyone. At the beginning of 2017, my mom allowed me to have a dog. It was good timing because a friend of mine was rehoming puppies that her dogs had. I reached out and I was given this little puppy that was way too young to be taken from his mother and his litter. He was about 4 weeks old and that is about 5 weeks too soon. He was just weaned off his mom and he was an anxious little thing, rightfully so. Thank the heavens that he was okay and safe and 110% healthy.
Fast-forward a few months to spring break from school and a week of snowy grounds. I was miserable and my mom’s ex (who wasn’t her ex at the time) was heavily drinking because what else is there to do when it’s cold and snowy and you’re a fucktard alcoholic that blames all your problems on a twenty-year-old that doesn’t even acknowledge your existence.
Let me paint you a vivid picture. It’s about 11 pm and my mom’s ex was drinking downstairs with some friend that just smelt bad. They were getting drunk and my mom’s ex starts screaming for her. She was asleep in her room and I was chilling in my room with Koga, watching anime.
Her ex screams for her and is pissed that she’s not sitting beside him getting him and his friend more beer when they run out – I know this because he fucking said it. Actually said it when she woke up and went downstairs to see what the fuck he was yelling about. I come down to find out what is happening and see him shove my mom. She didn’t fall but I was pissed and punched him in the face telling him to never lay a fucking hand on my mother. He was pissed but tried to laugh it off. My mom and I both went upstairs and eventually, his friend left.
That’s when he went to their room and couldn’t find her. He starts shouting and bitching and throwing himself against my locked bedroom door. I wasn’t very scared but I was pissed. Ready to take a bat to him. I tell him if he tries to break into my room one more time, I was calling the cops. I texted my best friend at the time (shameless plug to other posts here) and told him I needed him to pretend to be 911 so I could put him on speaker. No questions asked, he did and my mom’s ex starts screaming again about how I was getting him arrested for no reason. About 20 minutes later, my mom gets out from her closet where she was fucking hiding. HIDING from her ex. They get into it and she basically had to wrestle him to keep him from leaving the house and I’m just like let him fucking leave. She yells at me that I’m not helping and to just go away.
Her ex picks up on this in his drunken state and tells me to just go kill myself because I’m the reason he and my mom can’t just live happily together. He tells me that I’m nothing but a disabled bitch that ruined his life (let me remind you that I don’t even speak to him unless he’s abusing my mother verbally and apparently now physically). My mom didn’t say a thing and that hurt me more than anything. I was feeling an array of emotions, none of them good. I was already depressed and this triggered me into a spiral. I did what I do best, I started writing my goodbyes because I was there. I was done and ready for it all to just end, at least for me.
While I was crying and writing my goodbyes, this little furry puppy comes to lick my face and lays himself on. Not being able to reach my laptop with him between us, I had no choice but to just pet him. It seems so small and insignificant. But here was this little puppy that knew me as his person. This puppy that was still very anxious and scared of the world. This puppy that I made a commitment to love and take care of. And I started thinking about how much he still needed me. If I were gone, my mom would absolutely get rid of him and lord only knows where he would’ve ended up. It scared me. Knowing that my baby wouldn’t be taken care of or treated right.
I laid there with Koga in my arms and just cried for the longest time. I didn’t care about my life. For a long time even before the horrid night, I didn’t give a shit about my life. I just finished my long rehab after my a bad injury and my mental health wasn’t great because I was forever going to have limitations that didn’t exist for me before. It was difficult getting up every day just to struggle through every step I took. I didn’t want to get out of bed because it just physically hurt to. I was ready. But here was this innocent puppy that needed me.
So every day, I got up and took care of him. Loved him and played with him. Focusing on him gave me a reason to live and gradually I learned to find other reasons however small they are. I did my best to stay positive and I’m continuing to do that. After that whole incident, my mom finally understood that her ex was a piece of shit. So she moved him out. They got a house together, renovated it and moved out. I lived alone for 2 months before she slowly moved back into the house and dumped her ex. Things were tough for a while, I think she blamed me for a while then realized it wasn’t my fault. It was just easier than taking responsibility for bringing him into our lives and straining our relationship.
Telling the story 2 years later doesn’t seem all that bad but it was not a good time. It seemed like a lifetime ago and I’m glad that part of my life isn’t still part of my life. I’m much better mentally, not great but better than what it was. Koga is still giving me life every day and my relationship with my mother is much better; again, not great but better than what it was.
The moral of this is that sometimes life gets really tough and sometimes the only solution your mind can come up with is to just stop it all. It’d be difficult but easier than continuing to live a life that just felt wrong all the time. Ground yourself. You are worth so much more than temporary moments in your life that seem to define you at the time. Find something, anything, and focus on that. I recommend focusing your energy on helping others. Focusing on them was easier than focusing on myself and I found that I was slowly starting to heal too. I was learning how to care about things again and learning how to feel happiness even if only for a moment. Take all you can get because life isn’t fair. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense. “Why me” is a constant question and I’ll tell you right now, there is no answer. Do the best you can with what you have and never stop trying to get more out of life. It won’t give you anything but you can create opportunities for yourself. Don’t get discouraged. Keep breathing and keep going, you never know what’ll happen next and we (me and your family/friends) want you to be around to find out.