It’s been a good year since I broke up with my ex and I’m glad that relationship ended. But me being me, I occasionally get this little buzz of irritation. I get why my friends didn’t like him and I still hate that I was so blind. I let myself get caught up in these moments that didn’t really mean anything.
That’s not to say I regret anything. I was happy and I made the best decisions I could at the time. But I didn’t love myself in the slightest and I doubted myself so much (he certainly didn’t help). For a long time, I kept wondering what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t good enough. Now that I do love myself, I see that it wasn’t just my shortcomings. It was also his.
He didn’t encourage me to be me. Nor did he try to make me feel comfortable in the relationship. I was comfortable to a point but at no point was I fully myself and that only added to my internal battles. He had this air about him that seemed so woke (for lack of better word) and kinda like he was better than me because he had this knowledge of self that I didn’t have yet. I know it sounds like I’m trashing him, but I’m really not trying to. Thinking back at it all, I realized that’s why I was so hesitant in everything with him. It wasn’t by any means a bad relationship and we ended on good terms. Now he has a girlfriend that he’s in love with and good for him! I genuinely hope he has a good rest of his life.
There are times that I reminisce though. I have been a lot recently. I guess it’s because this is around the time things ended. What still occasionally irks me is that he was so sure that he couldn’t fall in love again. He just left the “with you” part out of that, and a part of me knew that but didn’t want to believe it. But I was young, dumb, and didn’t value myself as much as I should’ve. And as a partner, he didn’t value me much either.
Quick side story. I’m pretty good friends with his friends that he introduced me to. I learned that he said something about our sex life and completely flipped it. Said I didn’t wasn’t really interested in sex. I told my friends and every single one of them laughed. Why? Because I LOVE sex. I love experimenting in bed and I’m pretty bossy I’m told. But he didn’t know that and he didn’t experience that with me because he never ensured that I was really comfortable. He was also lazy as hell about sex in general. After things ended with us, we were still in a group chat together with his friends (that are also now my friends) and he had the fucking nerve to blame me for not feeling completely comfortable around him yet he didn’t make the effort to even ask why that was.
It was my fault but it was also his. Not that he took responsibility for anything. He made me feel inferior and so the me that didn’t love herself believe that. Unconsciously, I let myself believe that he was the catch and that I had to do my best to make him happy, even if it meant suppressing a lot of my personality. I never stopped to realized that he didn’t do the same, didn’t really do what he could to ensure that I was happy. The red flags should’ve been clear to me. He was sweet but he didn’t really do anything. I fell in love with a guy that literally didn’t do anything for me. It was stupid. I don’t regret any of it but man, was I fucking stupid.
Even my most recent friend with benefits did something for me. I only spent two months with the guy and I felt so much more comfortable. And he constantly asked if I was comfortable, what he could do, if what he was doing was okay. It was my pace with everything (the only positives to that short relationship. Sadly, he was too needy and not in an attractive way. Perhaps a blog on that later). With my ex, when we were together I never felt that level of comfort. I was so, reserved, I think is the best word. Anyone that knows me, knows full fucking well I’m anything but reserved. It’s not difficult to make me feel comfortable but he didn’t put in that effort. He didn’t deserve me. When we were together, I felt like I didn’t deserve him, but what the fuck did he ever do for me aside from constantly make me doubt? He didn’t even reassure me when I needed it most.
While we were together, I constantly thought that he had a lot of issues regarding his past relationships that he didn’t really deal with. When I tried bringing it up, he would just shut it down (another red flag). What bothered me the most out of everything, is that we broke up before and I took him back. I was skeptical and I should’ve trusted myself. He initially dumped me because he wasn’t ready for more. But we talked for a while before we got back together and he said that he realized that he wanted more with me. Being the dumbass I am, I believed that. I believed that we could be together again and it would actually work. I completely disregarded all of the mixed feelings he gave me when we were together the first time only to have it happen all over again.
Anyways, the moral of this vent is to tell you exs are exs for a reason. Some exs (rarely) deserve second chances. But 9.5/10, they don’t change.
When someone is really about you, they’ll put in the work and won’t consider it work. They will support you and encourage you to be the best version of yourself, the one that they know and see that you’re capable of. They push you to be better, not for them, but for yourself. They’re not going to let you doubt the relationship or their feelings for you. Someone who truly loves and cares about you will do everything they can to stay by your side and support you. They’ll put 100% of themselves into you and your relationship. If you doubt your partner now, discuss it with them. And if you’re still not feeling 100% about the relationship, sit down and ask yourself why. Really consider why you’re feeling the way you do and don’t just write it off. You’re feeling this way for a reason and don’t let sweet nothings convince you otherwise. It’s truly better being single than in a relationship where you’re questioning everything all the time.