It scares the shit outta me. As I’m sure it does many people.

I was talking to one of my best friends last week and she reminded me not to self-sabotage. But, she was also getting my hopes up (you know who you are 😠- also, just learned I could use emojis!!). And it made me wonder why and really break it down. I think it might be something that I shouldn’t think about at all. I should just date who I like and see how it goes, and continue to just do. BUT, that also gives me hella anxiety because I need to plan. I always need to have some kind of idea what I’m doing with my life.

The best part about any relationship is getting to know the person and just constantly learning new things about them. I love doing that. But when it comes to committing myself to one person romantically… I don’t really know what that’s supposed to be like. How does one have a happy and mutual loving relationship? That scares me so I self-sabotage, a lot (You know who you are, I don’t need your snark, you’re a bitch but I guess I love you). I do think it’s also just the “partner(s)” I’ve had in the past. They didn’t reassure me when they should’ve and instead they fed my insecurities more. Their uncertainty made mine worse.

I always tell my friends that you can’t force anything. That’s definitely what I did. I wanted to fit with these guys that I just didn’t fit with. It’s blinding when you love the idea of someone more than you like them. You start associating them with this fantasy you built up in your head because of how their attention makes you feel. It’s addicting. Attention is addicting. Sadly, all the attention I’ve ever got was the wrong kind. Which was fine at the time, but now that I’m older and wiser, I want a different kind of attention or none at all (well, not from a significant other but sure as shit from my friends and family).

I want the good kind. The kind of attention that doesn’t need to be baited or teased. One that simply exist because there’s someone that truly just cares about you and wants to make sure you’re okay. There’s this intimacy that exist with them because you’ve been vulnerable with this person many times before. They always did their best to support you in whatever way they could. And with them, it’s not a question of whether or not you can/want to commit to each other, you just are. And you are because neither of you wants anybody else. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic though. And maybe that’s why commiting is so scary.

I’ve had years upon years to build up my ideas of romance. I don’t want that uncertainty I’ve always felt with past relationships, it’s discouraging. You lose your ability to trust and depend on others when they constantly let you down. I don’t want to feel that again. As open as I say I am to love and wanting a relationship, I have a hard time believing that person I fit with exists. So while I talk to guys, date, whatever, I’m always ready for things to go nowhere. I don’t even get upset anymore even if/when I really liked the person. I’m so tired of being hurt by the people who so readily leave when things get tough. So there’s my answer. I’m afraid to commit because I’ve been hurt so many times before (Not very exciting is it? Actually, it’s pretty fucking common.). And while I understand that everybody is different, I’m exhausted from this cycle of dating. It’s all I know. And when it’s different? It scares the living shit outta me, so I run away. I know…

what a hypocritical bitch.

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