My best friend decided to fuck me over and make me think about what I want out of a relationship.
And as much as I write about relationships and whatnot, I don’t ever really think about having one. My experiences so far have been more along the lines of “maybe I’ll sleep with him, maybe I’ll ghost him.” Typically, the he doesn’t matter because I don’t even like the guys I’ve talked to. This doesn’t include the person I’m currently talking to, him I like very much 🥰. Yet I’m ready at any moment for things to end… because it could. There’s no way of really knowing, and since I don’t know, it’s easier to not think too far ahead.
Unfortunately, I realize that I can think about what I want from a relationship without actually being in one. Just in general, what do I want out of a relationship? (Ask yourself too, really sit down and think about it).
For my best friend, it’s companionship. I’m wondering if that’s also what I want. Definitely somewhere to start (honestly don’t know what I want and hopefully writing out my messy thoughts will help me figure it out as I continue writing, bear with me 🙃). Companionship is important to me, but I have friends that are more than enough to satisfy that. And the more I think about it, the more the answer of “intimacy” fits.
Intimacy is… fucking scary. Even when I fell in love for the first time, I was still guarded and there was a good reason for it (read here). Intimacy and trust go hand in hand for me. When I say trust, I mean it in every mental, emotional, and physical sense of the damn word. And that’s difficult for me. I don’t trust easily. This absolutely goes back to my unresolved abandonment issues. I’ll eventually write about it when I have the nerve to untangle that mess.
Long story short, it comes down to not trusting that someone will stick around long enough to decide maybe I’m worth sticking with. I’m pretty fucking great, but I’m human and I have plenty of flaws. There’s a shit ton of issues that I avoid, super duper stubborn sometimes, and other times very uncaring. I have a lot to learn but even more to unlearn. That’s the difficult part.
I don’t know what I need to unlearn, not until it comes up anyways. And when it does, I evade and distract. Very, very…very gradually I’m trying not to do that. But it’s become such a habit. Sometimes, I’m super obvious and other times, I’m inconspicuous. But most people in my life understand that I won’t talk about something I don’t feel like talking about it so they usually drop it (much appreciated). I’m getting better at least addressing my desire for how much I don’t want to talk about something. Any progress, is progress.
We’re getting off-topic. What do I want from a relationship? I don’t know… love? As dumb as that sound. I don’t know if it’s an answer or just my curiosity, but I think what I want from a relationship is to know what it’s like to fall in love with someone that is also in love with you.
My idea of a relationship is being able to be completely yourself and truly enjoy being with someone regardless of activity. It should be about having fun. Helping each other grow as individuals while also growing as a couple, and I don’t know, creating as much happiness as possible. Even if it doesn’t last. And maybe that’s part too. Wanting something that lasts. For the right reason of course.
There’s a part of me that wants to feel that kind of love and reciprocation but having to open myself up to build that intimacy… I think it starts with finding that someone that makes you want to try in the first place (read here for my thoughts on commitment). But as scared as I am of commitment and intimacy, I’m exhausted of running away.