The L Word

Scary. I know. I don’t think any is as irrational about it as I am. I’m only talking about in relationships here (and not with family).

I think most people say it too casually. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s truly how you feel, how often you say it doesn’t change the value. But I don’t think most people even know what love is anymore. Granted there are different types of love. Loving somebody, being loved by somebody, and being in love with somebody. Three different forms of love that could possibly break your heart a million times over. That’s why it’s so scary. To me anyways.

What I’m getting at is that they easily get caught up in the moment and the words just spill out. Maybe that’s truly how they feel. There’s no timeline for love. But I don’t think it should be taken as lightly as people typically do.

I love fiercely. The people in my life that I care about, they know I love them despite how mean or bitchy I am. Hopefully, none of them ever doubt it because I don’t let a lot of people in. I don’t tell them often but I should. I know I treasure being told. It’s nice to hear once in a while. Even if my response doesn’t exemplify that.

Growing up, it wasn’t something I heard often so it was just normal for me not to say it either. But now it’s difficult for me to say aloud to people. I can text it just fine but that’s obviously less personal. I was just thinking about how I constantly dodge it when I’m face-to-face with someone. I can’t say it without some kind of insult or I’ll just get really uncomfy about it.

I have a friend that tells me she loves me just to shut me up because she knows it makes me uncomfy but I also know she means it every time. I know that response should be that I also love her but that’s not typically what goes through my head. I find it incredulous every time. It’s the same feeling I get when someone actually wants to talk to or hang out with me. I’m generally a boring person. I could sit and stare at a wall for hours and be perfectly fine. It’s not something I do, I constantly have shit to do but I’m just saying, I could. And I could be entertained by it.

Anyways, it scares me. Saying it aloud I mean. You know that saying, “Speak it into existence”? Well, I’m afraid of that. What if I say it to someone only to realize I don’t feel it the way I should? Or I don’t feel that way but I want to? I will absolutely find a way to convince myself that I do even when deep down I know I don’t. It’s a terrible habit I have. Lying to myself to make myself feel better but the underlying anxiety still exists in the back of my back. I know I’m overthinking it.

When I’m with my boyfriend (and if you’re reading this, fucking stop here). There are times where I just want to blurt it out how I feel because in that moment, that’s all I can hear in my head. But I bite my tongue or say something else that implies it, like “You know how I feel about you.” And sure, he probably does because my actions typically show my feelings but it’s definitely something I should confirm or repudiate. I keep thinking there’s going to be a perfect moment where I’ll just know for sure, without any doubt. But honestly, I’m scared and won’t allow myself to say anything. Things could just end… again.

Strange Chronicles 2: 2

After she was raped and she aborted the resulting pregnancy, she went through bouts of depression. She said her life changed from that incident. She said that the biggest mistake she made was that she was trying to forget the situation. You know the phrase forgive and forget? She said that the phrase is bullshit and she still doesn’t support that phrase. She said that trying to forget a trauma is like fighting against oneself. Because the point of a trauma is that it is forever registered in the brain and mind. For so many years, she tried to fight it because she believed that she was strong enough to fight it. However, the incidents hunted her. She never wanted to remember what happened. So she started looking for distractions. She got into smoking and drinking, thinking that would help to erase the memory or numb the pain away, atleast for a while. While she was at that, she found the love of her life. She loved him so much and he loved her with everything he had. Because she was always in the need for distractions, she decided to drop out of school and run away from home with the guy, despite her family not approving of the guy. She made this change, hoping for a new beginning and a new life. She told me that it’s not possible for a person to give what they don’t have. She said that she haboured hate toward her rapist for a long time. She had hate in her heart and at the same time, she was trying to love this new guy. That’s not possible. She believed that she was doing everything within her capabilities to love the guy, thinking everything was okay. However, she never took time to ask the guy if she was showing him enough love. Even though they told each other how much they loved each other very often, the man felt like he was never doing enough to make her happy and to distract her. She needed so much distraction everytime that the guy took the responsibility upon himself to find distractions for her, thereby, making her happy. She appreciated him but never appreciated him to the point where she fully loved the man as the man would have wanted. The man never complained though. Although she hated someone else, it affected her relationship with people around her. The woman made me realize that anger and fear are controlled by the same part of the brain. She told me that the bigger the fear that someone has, the more the person gets angry very easily. She said that if I ever see someone that gets angry easily, I should ask the person what their fear is. Weird right? Anyway, so much focus was on trying to get her healed that no one noticed the man’s deteriorating health. He had leukaemia, which he fought when he was a teenager and as a result, thought was never coming back. He thought the battle was over when he was young, but it wasn’t. She thought that being raped and having abortion would be the end of her life. But it turns out that losing the only person she ever loved to death was the worst period of her life. She could have killed herself but she already had two kids for the man so no one would take care of them. She was in a strange land with no relatives or anyone to help her.

Gracias, Stranger.

Valentine’s Day

It’s not until next week but I hope everyone that celebrates it has a good day. And for those that don’t really care, same.

I never really got the point of Valentine’s Day. I know that makes me sound like a hater but I promise I’m not. I love love. I love seeing people happy in their relationships and their happiness over things their significant other does/gets them for Valentine’s Day. Maybe I’m not huge on the “holiday” because I’m really low-key. Yeah, materials are nice but I don’t need them. I don’t want extravagant gestures. It just sounds expensive. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re lovely. It’s also fun to see.

To a point, I understand that need to do something special. Loving someone can really overwhelm you sometimes. You appreciate them, everything that they are. The way they care about/for you, their patience with you, the time and effort they give you. One thing you can never get back is time. So those moments spent with that person that makes your heart beat just a blip faster? Worth every second.

When you love someone so much, I get that you want to spoil them, make sure they’re taken care of every way possible. And maybe sometimes words aren’t enough to express that. I know the words get stuck in my throat all the time. Although saying it aloud scares the crap outta me because then it would be true (another post, for another time).

The point of this isn’t an anti-Valentine’s post. The point that I’m failing to get at is that you don’t need a special day to celebrate love. It’s an everyday thing and it doesn’t always have to be grand gestures. It’s in the smallest things. Like opening a bottle before handing it to you, even when you’re absolutely capable of doing it yourself. Or casually nudging you to the inside of the walkway. Please don’t always hold out hope for grand gesture or expensive materials. Look at everyday things. That’s where you really see love.

However you decide to spend Valentine’s Day, I hope you have an amazing time and never forget that you are loved. Maybe not always by the person you hoped for but there is love all around you.

Family

The saying goes that you should put your family above anything else. I agree, to a point.

Being blood-related means nothing to me. If I’m being honest, my family is pretty selfish, so fucking greedy, and seriously nothing but users (not drugs but people). They have no common sense and just pisses me off. They care more about image than anything. And in turn, they raise their children the same way. They’re vain and teach their kids the same thing. By no means am I perfect. Nowhere close but I do recognize that my beliefs and values are nowhere similar to my family’s and that puts us at a static sometimes. I’m very opinionated and I’m absolutely going to speak up when/if I disagree. It also doesn’t help that I’m Asian.

You see, in Asian culture, respect is everything. Even if your elders don’t deserve shit from you, you’re expected to give them respect simply because they’re older. I hate that. I always believed that you should be polite to everyone (even if they’re rude as hell). But respect? No. God no. You don’t deserve shit from me until you earn it. Nobody in this world is entitled to anything and that’s what a lot of people don’t understand.

My family likes to hold grudges. I did this for you [enter date here] so you should do this “little” thing for me. Usually, it has to do with lending money or doing “little” favors. And if you don’t? You get so much shit for it, especially behind your back. Me being who I am, I never saw the point in talking behind someone’s back. If I don’t like you, you’re going to know it. I’m not going to insult you or talk shit about you to other people. I don’t like you, therefore, you’re irrelevant in my life and I don’t give a shit what you say or do. It’s literally none of my concern. Unless of course, you’re doing something to me. At that point, I would absolutely make it known to you that I want nothing to do with you.

Perhaps it derives from being family. You love them (sometimes) but you don’t necessarily like them. Maybe there’s some kind of need to talk about people that are in your life even when you don’t want them to be. I just don’t see how talking shit about somewhere is going to benefit you in any way. No wait, venting about people does help. But venting isn’t talking shit. Venting is something being done to you and you need to talk about it. To me, it’s always a “let me tell you why this upsets me” kind of thing. Totally off topic as always.

What I’m getting at is your family isn’t always going to mean everything to you and that’s okay. It’s absolutely okay not to like your family or want to get away from them. As an individual, you have your own life to live. And you know what? Your family isn’t always the ones you’re blood-related to, sometimes they’re the friends you made along the way.

Strange Chronicles 2:1

“Everybody wants to change the world but no one knows where to start” That quote has been ringing in my ears but I can’t point a finger to where the source is. Maybe you can help me to find that out. Anyway, there was a time in my life when I worked with kids (fortunately and unfortunately). I asked them what they would love to be when they grow up. Their eyes lit up after I asked. They were all so excited to answer the question. Some of them wanted to be a super-hero. You know, like spider-man and batman and superman. One even told me that he wants to be a President. While I wasn’t totally surprised by the answers I got, considering that they are kids and they are innocent, their attitude was interesting to me. At first, I was optimistic about the fact that these kids are excited to make a difference in one way or the other. But then I came to the sad realization that life is going to hit them one day. Reality will soon dawn upon them and all of them won’t be as enthusiastic about the future as they are now. For some, the future that they are excited about won’t be as exciting anymore. A change will happen to them in one way or the other and the same future that they are currently optimistic about would become their greatest fear. So here is my question for you, the reader. What changed you, that somehow affected your dreams? What happened to you that made your dreams less special? Why are you now going with the motion? I believe a life that’s not lived is a wasted life. We are all on this planet to make a difference in one way or the other. We all have a common purpose of loving each other and helping to make the world a better place for one another. We can all change the world. A person who travels the world to help the sick people in the less developed countries isn’t more or less of a saint than the person who is devoted to empowering a small community. And that person also isn’t more or less of a saint to the person who is concerned with saving animal habitats. What about the person that gave few minutes of her time to listen and be there for an individual that’s depressed and might possibly commit suicide? All these people are changing the world in their own little ways. Same way, we can all change the world if we are devoted to loving the people around us in the best way that we know how to. You don’t need to be the President or a member of the United Nations to make a change. Instead of looking for the light, I dare you to be the light. The world is an adventure, so why live it by being stuck in a boring place? The best way to truly have a fulfilled life is by making a good difference in at least one way. Explore the world. Dream big. While doing that, never forget to love with all your heart. Yeah, I know people are assholes but it pays off in the end. Mainly because a person that loves with the heart doesn’t need to be paid back to be happy. The happiness resides in the fact that the person loves to love.

Xie Xie, Stranger

Communication

Communication is the key to any good relationship and I finally understand why it’s so damn difficult.

Let’s use me as an example. I love talking and can talk about almost anything and everything, except my feelings. It’s especially difficult trying to explain my feelings to people I really should be discussing them with.

The problem is, sometimes I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling so how exactly am I supposed to explain it to someone else? I will admit that sometimes when I’m trying to talk to someone about it, I kind of just figure it out as I talk. It’s all over the place of course but if you ever have a conversation with me, you’d know that’s not out of the norm. I love going on tangents and having dozens of different conversations at once (as very apparent in my writing).

Anyways! Sometimes it’s not as easy as figuring it out as I talk to someone. There are so many times that I’m feeling so many different things that it all kind of gets lost and tangled together. I feel like a lot of people can relate. There are also times where I know exactly how I’m feeling but I refuse to accept it. Or at least vocalize it.

Some feelings I’ll accept but won’t admit out loud. I think we’ve all done this. Especially when it comes to how and what we feel for other people. It gets pretty complicated if you also have a history with them. Doesn’t matter how short or how long. Your history with people just changes things. That’s kinda what’s happening with me now. I have a history with this person and it alters the how I think and feel about them. It also makes me hesitant in telling them how I feel.

Because for once, I do know what I’m feeling (and let me tell you, that is an awesome feeling in itself). But I’m not ready to say anything because I’m not really getting anything in return. I don’t mean in a physical, materialistic way. What I mean is, my words aren’t going to get reciprocated so is there really a point in saying anything? Sometimes, yes. There is a point. The point would be just to get what you’re feeling across without care of receiving a response. What I’m feeling right now absolutely requires a response. And let’s not forget, no response IS a response. It’s one that fucking hurts too. So I can’t really say I’m ready for whatever answer I receive.

Silence can be a killer in some situations. I’m afraid that I’ll just get hurt by verbally admitting my feelings. It sounds kinda stupid but my history with the person tells me I shouldn’t say anything and just leave it. Other times
I just wanna scream it. And I typically have to catch myself from blurting it out. I’m not sure which is the best decision here. I’m constantly battling with myself over it and it seriously sucks.

For now, I figure I’ll just leave things how they are and see if the answers I seek come out on their own. Fingers crossed.

Let You Down

This is going to be in reference to the song Let You Down by NF.

So I didn’t think I’d ever really want to write about songs just because everyone interprets them differently or take away something another person might not. But this song really hit home with my relationship with my father.

So I’ve mentioned having abandonment issues before, but what I haven’t mentioned was that it derived from my dad constantly leaving me throughout my childhood.

As a child, how your parents behave and interact with you sets the standards for how you treat everyone else in life. So many times, we don’t realize how much of our past effects our present and future. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not always the case but there are too many people that continue to let their environment impact their live choices.

Your environment absolutely influences you very heavily when you’re young but as you get older, you have to open your mind up to everything. Get the facts and decide, based on your beliefs and morals what is right and wrong.

End tangent.

Back to the subject matter, Let You Down really describes the relationship I have with my father. All my life, he tried to forget he had a kid by constantly going out and eventually leaving altogether. Going so far as to move to a different continent (and before you say it was probably for work, it wasn’t. My father hasn’t worked for over twelve years).

When I was younger, I didn’t understand and I cried. Then he came back only to leave again. The cycle just repeated over and over until he decided to to stay. But then he decided he didn’t really need to see me or talk to me. His fatherly duty is to maybe text on a holiday or if he forgot my birthday.

I tried my best to have a relationship. At least in high school. I tried to go to his house at least once a week (he only lives a few blocks away), and I’d try to call at least twice a week. As I got older and older, I finally saw how drained I was after each visit. Visiting him because dreadful, because every single visit left with me hating myself just a little more.

I’m not thin. I’m not smart enough. I don’t work hard. I don’t understand anything. I don’t make any sense. I have a hard head. I’m stubborn. I’m not listening. I’m not living the right way. I’m making all the complicated decisions. I’m worrying too much about financial aid. I’m stressed for no reason. Why is life hard for me? Why am I concerned about my mom? Why do I take on responsibilities like work when I should only ever focus on school? Why is school so hard for me? Why can’t I be like this or that?

It never ends. After each and every visit to my dad’s house, I leave crying and depressed. I don’t want to care about what he says and I shouldn’t. He didn’t play any part in raising me. He was never there or even around. He has no say in how I live my life. Yet it bothered me. His words did affect me. You probably know where this is going but I always feel like I’m letting him down.

But, I know I don’t owe him anything. He’s my father by blood but he was never a dad to me. He was someone I felt like an had an obligation to that never gave me anything but heartache in return. And that hurt. He’s supposed to be the one man in my life that I could absolutely trust and count on. I know there aren’t guarantees in life but your parents? The people that brought you into this world or the people that take on that role of raising and providing for you? You should be able to trust. You should know in your mind and especially your heart that no matter what happens, good or bad, they’re going to be there for you.

It sounds a lot like a myth to me. I don’t have a good relationships with my parents. I’ve tried so hard to meet their expectations and not once did they think to ask me how I felt or what I want. I’m luck enough to have parents and that’s something I would never take for granted. But I’m not a doll. I’m tired of trying to please them and I thought I stopped trying a long time ago. Sometimes I still catch myself trying. I’m lucky I have parents though. The problem is that they constantly make me feel like giving me life was the biggest and worst mistake they ever made.