Me, Myself, and I

What I’m getting at this time is that you need to enjoy spending time with yourself. You’d be surprised about how little you actually know about yourself. Self-discovery is a never ending journey.

We’re all human. And that means that we’re constantly evolving and changing our minds. And that’s okay. Fuck the people that think otherwise. They’re not at the maturity level to understand this. You are the most important person in your life. The relationships you’ve built are important as well but it’s you that should always come first (that doesn’t mean don’t be considerate of other people).

A lot of the uncertainty in your life derive from your lack of understanding yourself. If you don’t know what you want, how do you expect to get it? You’ll keep trying and failing because you don’t know what it is you’re really looking for. Always take a step back. If you’re overwhelmed or lost, step back and just breathe. Allow yourself to come to an answer without putting pressure on yourself to do so. If you don’t have an answer, it’s not the end of the world.

Stop thinking putting so much pressure on yourself. You need to realize that you’re doing your best. It’s not up to anyone else to judge what you’re capable of. You can only handle so much at a time and you just need to go at your own pace. Don’t ever let anyone else’s opinion of you affect you. Yes, there are people in your life that you care about and you value their opinion, it’s not a make or break it thing. You’ll make friends, lose them, date, break up, your life is still going to keep going. It’s your decision to choose whether you’re going backward or forward. Either way, it’ll keep going.

So take yourself out. Think about whatever it is you want to think about, do whatever you feel like doing, find that confidence to just be yourself. Stop worrying so much about other people and start worrying about yourself. Be selfish for once and put yourself first.

Scatter Brained

That’s me. I swear my mind goes a million random miles per minute. I know everybody is constantly thinking, my problem is that my thoughts are all divided into different subjects all the time. It makes it difficult to focus on any one thing. I’m annoyingly curious about everything. I’m sure I annoy the shit out of people with my constant questions and need for information. The truth of the matter is that I’m afraid that I don’t fully understand and the only way I can understand in my own special way is to ask questions.

I love learning. About everything and anything. I love when someone teaches me something new without being condescending and especially when they’re patient with me. There are so, so many times that I’ll ask a question and then remember a second later that I understand or recall the answer myself. Then I’ll say never mind and that grates on some people’s nerves. I apologize to those people.

There are also times where times I just black out mid-conversation. My attention will be drawn to something surrounding me or a random thought I had but I promise, I’m still listening. Definitely rude of me to just mentally leave the conversation at hand though. It’s kind of difficult to explain. Too many times my need for an answer is immediate. I need to satisfy my curiosity by asking a question or doing something to find an answer. I don’t know why I need to know but I do. For example, I could be having a serious conversation with someone and I’ll randomly wonder how many types of cheeses there are in the world. ADHD? I don’t think so.

My stepmom wanted to have me tested for ADHD at one point. I’m not sure if you can have signs of a disorder but not actually have it. I’m not a doctor. There are times where I think maybe I do have an attention problem but I know if I really try, I can focus on just one thing at a time. Sometimes not for very long but still, I could do it if I had to.

I’m so grateful for the people in my life. They’re patient with me and kind of just got used to having a dozen different conversations at once. Even on a serious matter, being able to jump from one convo to convo is great. I love when good conversations don’t just end. You could be talking about something different and still go back to that one topic again.

Let me tell you though, it is not a good time being such a dope all the time. Sometimes people’s point just goes over my head and that can get frustrating for both parties. I want to understand but sometimes I’m too far in my head to get it. Sometimes people need to spell it out very slowly for me and of course that’s annoying for them.

There are definitely pros and cons.

Let You Down

This is going to be in reference to the song Let You Down by NF.

So I didn’t think I’d ever really want to write about songs just because everyone interprets them differently or take away something another person might not. But this song really hit home with my relationship with my father.

So I’ve mentioned having abandonment issues before, but what I haven’t mentioned was that it derived from my dad constantly leaving me throughout my childhood.

As a child, how your parents behave and interact with you sets the standards for how you treat everyone else in life. So many times, we don’t realize how much of our past effects our present and future. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not always the case but there are too many people that continue to let their environment impact their live choices.

Your environment absolutely influences you very heavily when you’re young but as you get older, you have to open your mind up to everything. Get the facts and decide, based on your beliefs and morals what is right and wrong.

End tangent.

Back to the subject matter, Let You Down really describes the relationship I have with my father. All my life, he tried to forget he had a kid by constantly going out and eventually leaving altogether. Going so far as to move to a different continent (and before you say it was probably for work, it wasn’t. My father hasn’t worked for over twelve years).

When I was younger, I didn’t understand and I cried. Then he came back only to leave again. The cycle just repeated over and over until he decided to to stay. But then he decided he didn’t really need to see me or talk to me. His fatherly duty is to maybe text on a holiday or if he forgot my birthday.

I tried my best to have a relationship. At least in high school. I tried to go to his house at least once a week (he only lives a few blocks away), and I’d try to call at least twice a week. As I got older and older, I finally saw how drained I was after each visit. Visiting him because dreadful, because every single visit left with me hating myself just a little more.

I’m not thin. I’m not smart enough. I don’t work hard. I don’t understand anything. I don’t make any sense. I have a hard head. I’m stubborn. I’m not listening. I’m not living the right way. I’m making all the complicated decisions. I’m worrying too much about financial aid. I’m stressed for no reason. Why is life hard for me? Why am I concerned about my mom? Why do I take on responsibilities like work when I should only ever focus on school? Why is school so hard for me? Why can’t I be like this or that?

It never ends. After each and every visit to my dad’s house, I leave crying and depressed. I don’t want to care about what he says and I shouldn’t. He didn’t play any part in raising me. He was never there or even around. He has no say in how I live my life. Yet it bothered me. His words did affect me. You probably know where this is going but I always feel like I’m letting him down.

But, I know I don’t owe him anything. He’s my father by blood but he was never a dad to me. He was someone I felt like an had an obligation to that never gave me anything but heartache in return. And that hurt. He’s supposed to be the one man in my life that I could absolutely trust and count on. I know there aren’t guarantees in life but your parents? The people that brought you into this world or the people that take on that role of raising and providing for you? You should be able to trust. You should know in your mind and especially your heart that no matter what happens, good or bad, they’re going to be there for you.

It sounds a lot like a myth to me. I don’t have a good relationships with my parents. I’ve tried so hard to meet their expectations and not once did they think to ask me how I felt or what I want. I’m luck enough to have parents and that’s something I would never take for granted. But I’m not a doll. I’m tired of trying to please them and I thought I stopped trying a long time ago. Sometimes I still catch myself trying. I’m lucky I have parents though. The problem is that they constantly make me feel like giving me life was the biggest and worst mistake they ever made.

Tough Decisions in Friendships

Lately, I’ve been feeling lost and really unsure of myself. Something I hate feeling is helpless.

That’s exactly what I felt in two classes for my major. On top of stressing out and worrying about my future, I had a lot going one with the one relationship in my life I thought was solid. I should know by now that no relationship in life is ever really “solid.” Things can flip so quickly. I had been thinking about my friendship with my best friend for a while and often saw how one-sided things were.

He has his flaws, and I have mine. But we accepted them and ignored them like any friend would. I think all the little things built up regardless of that. We didn’t talk much about our flaws but it was whatever, right? Wrong. It was important. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so relieved that I don’t have to continue putting the effort and time into the friendship. We’re both very independent of each other so it made no sense that I felt smothered by him.

I have a lot of issues. Plenty that I’m working on. That was one of the huge differences between us. I saw my flaws and wanted to fix them. He saw his flaws and accept them. Which is absolutely his decision. But because he didn’t want to fix them, it forced me to just accept them as well. It was out of obligation? I’m not really sure. He’s been my best friend since high school and we had good times and bad times like any relationship. But I was getting really tired.

Always bending my wants and needs to satisfy his. I told myself that I hadn’t been a good friend to him because we hadn’t talked in a few days. I’m fairly introverted but outgoing when I need/want to be. Everyone in my life knows this about me, my best friend more so than anyone. I felt like I was a bad friend for not wanting to talk or be near anyone. But still, I would hang out and answer his calls because I felt like I had to, not because I wanted to. We have a long history, and this is an even longer story but it’s not really to share right now when I’m still so upset. I just wanted to give a glimpse as to how our friendship was. I’m sure he sacrificed a lot for me too, I’m not sure where or how. I’m not even interested in knowing anymore. Long story short, I needed to feel supported and loved, instead I received anger and inflexibility.

The tough decision lies in letting the friendship end. It hurts and makes me sad. But I’m relieved at the time same. Perhaps, I’m a shitty person for saying, that I’m relieved. I am though. I’m so incredibly tired of offering my best to someone who demanded more and not in the supportive, you can do this kind of way. The way that leaves you… drained.

My friends know that sometimes I need to be left alone. Nine times out of ten, I don’t have to give a reason until I’m good and ready to. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone if I don’t want to and I’ve always known that with the people in my life. Except for one. My “best friend” knew me. He knew how I could get and how I just needed to isolate myself sometimes. He just didn’t always respect it. He’d give me shit about not being a good friend for ignoring him or whatever the case may be. Me, being the person I am, would always feel bad and think he was right. I’m being selfish and not considerate of those around me.

I read something recently that discussed social exhaustion. It was a short explanation about people who are more exhausting to be other than others. Most of the time, the people that are socially exhausting don’t experience social exhaustion. Which is great. For them. I didn’t know social exhaustion was a thing. But it’s definitely a better phrase than constantly saying “I’m tired.” I swear it’s my go-to phrase because how else do I explain that I’m just not feeling up to socializing because it’s mentally and sometimes emotionally draining? Most people don’t understand that and it’s hard to try to explain further without wanting to just give up.

Ending the relationship I had with my “best friend” was tough for me. I hold my friends dearly because they’ve always been more like family to me. I also have a small circle so it’s hard for me to lose friendships. Still, I don’t think it was the wrong decision. I’ve felt a lot lighter.

What I’m getting it is that sometimes it’s good to reevaluate the relationships in your life. Really think about them and see if they’re more stressful than they’re worth. I know it’s hard to weigh against your friend but sometimes you have to. For your sake, you have to make the tough decision in continuing a relationship that drains you or to walk away. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or love them. It means that you respect yourself more than continuing to put your time and effort into a relationship where the other person isn’t. You better more than that.

Bad Habits

I have many bad habits. The biggest and worst habit I have is holding all my emotions inside and staying quiet when I should be doing the exact opposite.

I’ve stated multiple times on my blog that I’m pretty bad at expressing my feelings yet most of my blog has been about my feelings. It’s true that it’s just easier to text or write out when you think no one is reading or if you don’t really know who’s reading. I’ve always found that telling your thoughts and feelings to strangers is a lot easier than telling them to those you care about.

Why is that? Shouldn’t it be easier? These are the people in your life that love and care about you. But the truth of the matter is, it’s because they love and care about you. You care very much about what they’ll think of you and there’s nothing really wrong with that. It’s natural to feel that way. Quite often it’s just the little voice of self-doubt telling you this. Telling you (perhaps subconsciously), that your family/friends will think differently of you. The harsh reality is that once you confide in someone, it can change their opinion of you.

Sometimes for the better, but it’s the chance of it changing in a negative way that prevents us from truly opening up. But how do you expect to build your relationship with someone if you don’t trust that they’ll still be there after you’ve said whatever it is you needed to say? It’s easier said than done of course.

I’ve noticed that the people I want to be closer with, the less vocal I am about my thoughts and opinions. And then it becomes one of the reasons they’re no longer in my life. Yet, I’m incessantly oversharing with people I likely won’t see again or have just an acquaint relationship with. Weird how that works, huh? I hate it. When I meet someone I’d like to be closer with, my first thought is that they couldn’t handle me when I’m full on me. If that makes sense.

It’s dose by dose and slowly increasing how myself I am around people. Is that fake of me to do? I don’t feel like it is. I’m not trying to portray someone or something I’m not. I think of it as not letting this new person see every side of me until they’ve proved that they can handle. Like when dating my first love (I can’t think of a clever way to put that, so hush). Anyways, when I was dating him, I let some shit slip that was too much for so early in the relationship and it surprised me when he just listened and was still there afterwards. It made me say a lot more and made me forget that it’s still really early in the relationship. I gave up too much, too fast ya know?

While no relationship has a timetable for when things should and shouldn’t happen, I felt like we became too much too soon because it was just easy to. He accepted everything I said and did so easily that I forgot that good things take time. Not that the relationship was a bad time. Moral of the little tangent, I shouldn’t have revel all sides of me so soon. But at the same time, I feel like I didn’t revel enough. Like how bossy and opinionated I am.

Questions like what do you want to eat, where do you want to go, what do you want to do? Questions that seem like your significant other doesn’t have an answer for, I always did. Yet I never told him because it was easier to go along with what he wanted considering I wanted to appeal to him. That was stupid.

I mean, I’m that way with my friends too. I’d rather be considerate of what they’d prefer because I’m easy to please. I can eat whatever, I can go or not go anywhere, and I can do anything or nothing. However, with my group of friends, if they can’t decide, I will. If my friends give me full reign, I take it happily. But I was scared to do that with the guy I was dating. Hindsight is 20/20 though. I should have gone with my gut.

It’s a bad habit, what can I say? You should always trust your gut. My problem is that sometimes I don’t realize soon enough what my gut is saying. Don’t have my bad habit. Don’t be afraid to say whatever it is you want to say. Don’t be afraid to scare people off by oversharing. They people that matter, the ones that truly want you in their life won’t just go away. Especially when it comes to sharing your feelings. And absolutely do not regret anything you’ve said or done. At the time, it’s what you wanted.

Also, sorry not sorry that this post was all over the place. Welcome to my mind.

E

Lost

I’ve taken a long break from writing and I’m not sure if anyone’s really cared or noticed but I’m hopefully going to be more consistent.

Anyways, lately, I’ve been feeling extremely lost. I work constantly and that’s good but it doesn’t feel like I’m doing all the things I want or really doing things to strive towards what I want. I’m fortunate to have a job where I can put money away for school but I’m constantly questioning if school is even for me.

Other than school, I find myself wondering if the people in my life are still meant to be there. Everything I do, I seem to question. And every question just leads to frustration because I don’t have an answer. And honestly? I have no idea how to come up with one.

Like me jump back. I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in life in the slightest. I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. And my injury set me back quite a lot mentally, emotionally, and very very physically. I’m still learning which is the best path to take to get to where I want to be with the limitations I now have. And let me tell you, even after all the physical therapy, it’s still difficult. Many days, I think perhaps I was discharged from PT too early. There’s still so much I’m incapable of doing or don’t know how to do safely. Like running. I can’t run and it saddens me. Before, if I were feeling overwhelmed, I’d go for a jog to clear my head and it helped. Now I walk around my house because I know the environment and it’s safer than roaming around outside where I’d likely have to seat because my knee gets tired or the rest of my body gets tired from picking up the slack of where I lack (haha that rhymes). It’s difficult knowing you have so much limits that other people your age don’t. And while it shouldn’t define me, it kind of does. My injury shouldn’t be my identity but I’m not really sure who I am anymore. For a past few years, I’ve been the girl that got injured really bad. Where do I go from there?

Let’s move on to friendships though. I love my friends. My group of friends has a special place in my heart. They’re like family to me. But sometimes… well sometimes it feels like I don’t mean anything to them. And I get that we all have a pretty difficult time expressing ourselves but so often, I feel like they should know me better than to take my words at face value.

The thing about me is that I don’t like lying. But I’m really good at it. I’m very convincing because you know, every lie begins with the truth. So I’ll constantly say I’m okay when I’m breaking inside. Always reassure everyone that I’m good and no I don’t need/want to talk but dear lord do I need to. My head always feels like a hurricane just flew in but instead of focusing on that, I focus on the sunshine (lol, get it, hurricane sunshine? Yes, I’m aware I’m an idiot. Love me anyway will you?). But seriously. It feels like I’m constantly walking in the dark, trying to reach the smallest light but it seems to just get further and further away. It’s also how I feel about school.

Every week that pasted with school, I thought I was heading towards that light, ya know? In this case, it’s the passing grade but then I get to the end only to find that it’s not an end. The light got further and I have to continue towards it. It’s an endless cycle.

I feel lost in life. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I have no idea what I want. How to get where I want to be and I’m not even sure where I wanted to be is still what I want to work towards. I know life plan’s aren’t set in stone and I never thought or planned it as such but it feels like I’m so far off course. I’m not sure it’s worth striving for. Maybe it’s time to rethink what I truly want and where I see myself in the next few years. I don’t even know where to start.

You just have this picture in your head of your life you know? And of course it doesn’t always work out but I’m so afraid of nothing working out. Like any path I choose to go down, I’ll hit a dead end. I don’t want to just wander around looking for the right way. Although it might be the only way to find the path that’s right for me. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do that.

Nothing, Nada, Niente

This is going to be a sad one, just a warning.

Have you ever felt your motivation slipping? Day by day, you lose interest in things you usually enjoy doing or things you know you’re supposed to do. Like last week, I should have been studying for finals but I had zero motivation to do so. Hell, just getting out of bed is pretty difficult yet going to bed was even more so. Maybe it’s the depression? That’s what it usually is but I just feel… numb. I guess that’s the best word to describe it. My friend said maybe I’m disassociating, which is a possibility of course. I honestly don’t know what it is that’s making not feel. It happens on occasion and you’d think by now I’d see it coming.

It always starts with gradually not wanting to do the things I need to. Like school work, clean, even shower (I still do this one because I hate not being clean and my skin bothers me if I don’t). Then I binge watch shows but don’t pay attention to them. I keep it on as background noise, but typically I’m great at multitasking. Paying attention to few things at once and I even like doing two or three things at once, it keeps me busy. But then I kind of lose the that ability when I start feeling numb. I just slowly stop caring about the things that were bothering me – that’s a not so bad thing about it. I don’t really think about anything, I don’t worry and I just don’t care. That’s not like me. Caring about the things around me and especially the people around me is what makes me, me. I always care a lot. But when I’m feeling like I have been, I just don’t anymore.

I don’t care to text people (I’ll answer if they texted me but otherwise don’t care if they do or not). I won’t really reach out or even tell them about my numbness. I don’t want to talk to anyone and anyone that does try to talk to me (in person), there’s instant annoyance and the desire for them to just go away and leave me alone. It makes me push people away. Partly because I don’t want them to deal with my weird mood but also because it just doesn’t matter to me – I’d rather not be bothered with their questions. Their love and concern me for might as well not exist because I don’t feel it. I don’t care that they care, I don’t care that they’re concerned about me, I don’t care about anything they might have to say. And that’s shitty of me. I force myself to engage the best I can and answer how I typically would, which is with care, concern, and interest for them and what they have to say. But I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m lying.

I know, I literally just said that I don’t feel anything. And I don’t, but I do? It’s like I’ll suddenly feeling everything at once then I’ll just shut down because it’s too much. The guilt of being so selfish makes me crave the numb feeling and I’ll revert back into that. I’ll feel nothing yet subconsciously, I’m still there. Feeling everything while I feel nothing. Confusing right? I’m not even sure I’m explaining it well or how to do it better.

I thought maybe writing would help me feel better about it, make me feel something. It doesn’t. But it gives me something to do. I’m hoping that if I just keep doing things that I normally would, I’ll get out of my slump. Maybe the numb feeling will fade out as randomly and just quickly as it set it. Kind of like a rollercoaster. Getting higher felt slow but the drop was quick and I’m just stuck in the constant downfall. Anyway, I’m hoping that even though it feel like it’s taking forever to reach the peak, the drop down will be more positive then the first drop. I don’t know if that was a good analogy but I’m going to use it anyways.

There is one really good thing that’s come out of this. I don’t think about my ex and miss him. Hell, I don’t even care if he never talks to me again. I’m hoping that doesn’t change when I’m more myself again. I was getting pretty tired of thinking about someone that likely doesn’t think about me. And why would he right?

Anyways, I’m hoping I start feeling more myself before I do or say something that hurts someone I love. There are so many things in the world that can’t be taken back and this I don’t give a fuck mentality of mine is going to get me or someone I care about hurt and that’s the last thing I’d want. Feelings or lack of, I don’t want to hurt anyone.