Reading the Mood

Do you ever just have a bad day and someone comes along all happy-go-lucky and you just want to punch them in the face?

I’m not often in a bad mood but when I am, it’s very obvious. I can school my facial features if I’m feeling anything else, but when I’m angry? It’s very apparent.

So I was feeling annoyed, like on the verge of being pissed the other day. A friend of mine  ends up calling (not because I was annoyed). He immediately starts telling me about how happy he is about this new girl he’s talking to. And that’s great. I’d never being someone down just because I’m in a fowl mood. But the more the person spoke, the more I wanted to hang up. Because yes, I’m happy for you but right now I’m miserable and it’s very clear but you’re not seeing that because you’re blind by your own happiness. And honest to God, that’s okay. I’m happy you’re happy but right now, I’m not in the mood to talk.

As the conversation continued, not once did he ask me what was wrong. And that added to my horrible mood. Usually I have no problems with people calling me just to talk about themselves. I actually enjoy it. I love hearing that my friends are happy or something happened and they need someone to just listen. I’m happy to be that person. But sometimes, you just need that for yourself.

There are just times where I’d like him also pay attention to what’s going on with me. Just from time to time, ask me how I’m feeling. I know he didn’t mean to, but it felt like he was rubbing his happiness in my face. I know, I know, that’s ridiculous. But when you’re upset or annoyed or whatever negative, you’re just unreasonable you know? Nothing makes sense but it feels like the world is just against you.

So when my friend called, he didn’t ask how I was despite my obvious annoyance. He continued to ramble on and on about his new relationship. And that hurt. Knowing that I’m not in the best place in my love life and I was just feeling crappy overall, he just continued to brag. And he expected me to be happy for him. And I was. I truly was until he just kept going on and on about they same thing. How many times to have to repeat that I’m happy for you? I understand you’re happy. You really don’t have to repeat it.

Eventually my mom comes to where I am in the house and starts arguing with me again. Most people close to me know that my relationship with my mom isn’t the best. We butt heads a lot and usually just avoid spending too much time in each other’s company. So I’m actually on FaceTime with my friend while I’m in a screaming match with my mom. And that’s awkward for anyone. Afterwards, he makes a stupid comment that I know was meant to cheer me up but this is literally right after I got done arguing. So hung up.

If I’m feeling some type of way, I’m not in the mood to explain or talk. I don’t want to play or joke around while I’m pissed. And at this point, I was pissed. I understand that some people just aren’t good with confrontation or even comforting (oh lord is he bad at comforting). Except he didn’t even try to make the effort. My friend decided that a comment would just cheer me up and we could go back to talking about his new relationship. I’ve told him time and time again that when I’m feeling like that, I just want to be left alone. Him being who is he, when he wants to talk, he’ll just keep talking. I just don’t understand how he couldn’t just read the mood. It’s not the time to talk. You need to either leave me alone for a while or listen to be vent all my frustration.

It’s so, so, so freaking important to read the mood before really going into details about whatever it is you want to talk about. I understand that when you’re excited or whatever, you just want to tell someone. But sometimes, you have to let the person be a little selfish because they might not be feeling great or they not not be having the best day. Friendships, like relationships, isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes you have to give the other person more simply because they need it.

“Busy”

It seriously irritates me when someone says that they were too busy to answer my message(s). No, you weren’t.

It takes maybe a second to answer a message. It only takes a fucking second to text and says that you’re busy, that you’ll talk to me when you get a chance. And no, it’s not the same thing as the excuse of being too busy to reply later on. Communication is the key to any kind of relationship. If you’re my friend, I expect you to answer me. If you’re my boyfriend, I expect you to answer me. If you have a place in my life, I expect you to answer me. I hate being ignored.

I know it’s not always the case of being ignored and perhaps just being focused on something but you can just tell me that. I’m an over-thinker. I will come up with every reason possible as to why you’re not answering me and nine times out of ten, they’re not good conclusions. I’m going to assume I did or said something wrong unless you tell me otherwise. It has a lot to do with my own insecurities, but as a person in my life (and there aren’t many that I care about the same way) you know me. You know I’m going to worry. And knowing me the way you do, you freaking know that if you tell me you’re busy and will talk to me later I’ll absolutely be cool with it. I won’t be mad or catch an attitude.

Show me you care enough about me to take TWO DAMN SECONDS out of your “busy” day to let me know that you’re busy and will talk to me later. Don’t come at me hours or even a day later telling me you were busy. No. That’s just an excuse. You didn’t want to give me a heads up. You didn’t respect me enough to let me know what’s going on.

The truth of the matter is that people who care about you will make time for you. People that want you, will make time for you. People that care about you, will make time for you. People that love you, will make time for you. Are you seeing the pattern? Are you sure? Go back and read it again. Don’t forget it because those treating you any less probably shouldn’t hold the position they do in your life.

I get that sometimes people do get busy and they just forget. But forgetting every single time? I don’t think so. There are some people in my life I know will forget because their day is pretty hectic. And how do I know that? Because they’ve communicated with me way beforehand and I can put two and two together. I’d never hold it against them. There are plenty of times where I forget to answer or thought already had. The difference is that the people in my life know me well enough to know that I can be really scatterbrained. That or I just fell asleep, as an insomniac, I sleep whenever I fall asleep because I need to. They also know to just text me again and again until I answer or to just call me if it’s important. Generally, though, I’ll just let them know that I’m likely going to fall asleep or I’m doing something that requires my full attention. And they know I’ll text or whatever when I’m free.

The fact of the matter is that there has to be a mutual respect. Understanding that communication the most important. Let me know what’s going on in your life. I’m clueless otherwise. And as someone you care about, you should just want to tell me things without me having to ask all the time. I just want to know that I matter you know? I need reassurance sometimes.

I need to know that you do care enough about me to include me in your life. That you actually care about having me there. It’s not that difficult yet it’s easily one of the biggest reasons why people don’t work out or grow apart. They don’t talk enough or they don’t really put effort into it because they believe the other person will just always be there.

If someone’s important to you, let them know. Even if you think they already know. It doesn’t hurt to remind them that they mean something to you and that you appreciate them being in your life. It takes one message to let them know and it doesn’t cost you a thing. But it does help your relationship and I’ve already stressed the importance of the relationships in our lives. Hold on to those that matter to you and make sure you mean the same to them as they do to you. Otherwise, stop wasting your breath on people that will use you and take advantage of you every chance they get. You deserve better.

Escape

I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to wanting to escape your life for while. Sometimes life can seem like it’s going well and still you feel like you need a break from it.

I’ve always been a fan of running away from my problems. It can take form in many different ways. Whether it’s focusing school or work, basically putting your time and energy in just about everything but your personal problems that you need to prioritize. My favorite way is to focus on others. If I focus on other people’s problems, I don’t have to deal with mine.

It’s not at all healthy of course. But sometimes, your own life is just too overwhelming and you don’t really know where to start to get your shit together. There are so many times where I’d rather just stay in bed, not face whatever the day has to throw at me. I’m not sure how people expect a person, college students especially, to juggle everything on their plate and be okay mentally and emotional.

There are so many days where I have to remind myself to be social with my peers, to start/finish homework, study for this quiz or that test, to go to the gym to be healthy, to give my family and friends attention, to remember to eat while being so busy, to drink a fair amount of water, take care of things in the house, clean, run errands. Some days I have to manage everything in a single day, other days I can split of the tasks. But it can all still be very consuming. Even the littlest things like remembering to eat and drink water can be extremely difficult when there’s so much to do and so little time.

It’s easy to lose your head when you’re all over the place. Almost every day that I wake up, I mentally set up a guide of what I need to get done for the day and contemplate if I have time for a nap I desperately need. I’m thinking about a nap before I’m even out of bed in the morning. Not exactly exciting but it’s something to look forward to, a reward of sorts. The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Not exactly caring about or feeling anything in general. While I’d rather do nothing, instead I struggle through school work, force myself to go to the gym, try to focus on anything that keeps be from thinking too much.

Night is the most difficult. I’ve always been a night person. But it’s also when everyone’s asleep and there’s no one and nothing really present to keep me distracted anymore. I find myself constantly thinking about those important to me and how easily those relationships can change. How afraid I am of them changing. All the things in the future that I haven’t given much thought to, like a career. And especially how I can catch up with school after missing an entire semester (not by choice).

It can all easily build up and you just lose sight of why you’re doing what you’re doing, you know? It helps so much to just escape sometimes. To step away from everything then return to it with a new perspective or maybe even a game plan for everything. Coming back with fresh eyes can really make a difference. When you’re too involved in something, you’re exactly that. Too involved. It’s hard to see the forrest through the tree (Yes I know, another cliché. I’ll never stop). But if you just keep going, eventually you’ll reach a view that made it all worth it.

Never look at escaping as a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just what you need to do in order to do what you want to do. It can never hurt to take moments for yourself to just reflect of everything. It might even put some things into perspective. Things you’re stressing over might not be so bad. Problems you have may find a way of solving themselves. Just try to remember that you’re not going to get very far when you’re too overwhelmed. I always tell myself to take it day by day, step by step and you know what? It helps. And when life becomes too much, step back and breathe. Think about what’s important and try to recall why it’s important. And if you find yourself lost still, reach out. Talk to someone about your feelings, about your day, about the weather. Just anything. It really can help even when you don’t feel like socializing. Having someone outside of everything you’re dealing with can help you see something you missed. And if those are times you feel the need to just be alone, then do that. It’s hypocritical of me but even when you want to just be alone, don’t push those that care about you away. Remember that there are people that care about you and want to see you succeed. They’re also ready and happy to help you so don’t be afraid or too stubborn reach out.

And just some food for thought, sometimes you may need an escape and sometimes you may be somebody else’s.

Tell Me We’re Good

Do you ever just want to smack people? Like you have this whole plan in your head of how something is going to go and they don’t play their part? Yes, I may be crazy in case you were wondering.

With guys specifically though, it feels like I’m throwing out all these very subtle hints. It’d only be clearer if wore a neon poster with blink arrowing pointing to it (I have the tendency to exaggerate, but you get the point – ha ha, get it? Point, arrow… yeah you get it). Guys can be so incredibly clueless sometimes. And I’ve learned that it’s not just me who thinks so.

So I’ve been so annoyed the past few nights and when I subtly try to get the person that’s annoying me to ask me what the hell is wrong, and it goes completely over their head. I get that there’s a lot going on in a person’s life. But because of who I am to them, it’s hurtful that they don’t share what’s going on and that they’re not asking about mine.

I’d like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. If you’re busy or you just don’t really feel like conversing, cool. Just let me know. I don’t want to be a bother and if you’re taking forever to respond to my messages or don’t answer me at all, that’s exactly what I’m going to feel like. A bother. I have a lot of issues that I’m trying to work through. One of those issues makes me always feel like a nuisance unless I’m told otherwise.

It’s mostly because I’ve always had this nasty habit of believing the people in my life don’t care about me. Even when they reassure me, there’s always a part of me that’s skeptical. In my mind, I don’t deserve to be cared for or loved (I’ll go into more detail about this at some point). Only through conversation and/or physically hanging out can I really feel confident about people caring about me. Although I still get really shocked when someone wants to hang out with me. Like you actually enjoy my company? Are you sure…?

Anyways, I’m constantly worried about doing something or saying something wrong that would make people leave me. And what can I do if someone decides to walk out of my walk? Nothing. I have zero control and it drives me to an abyss of anxiety.

I know there are some people in my life that care about me. Knowing is different than actually believing it though. I’ve always thought that maybe if I tell myself something long enough, I’ll truly believe it. So I have to remind myself that these people care about me and do my best to believe it. But, some days I need more reassurance from them than others. And when they do have to reassure me, my first reaction is to apologize for being annoying for asking for what probably is the hundredth time.

With something as little as not answering me whether it be me calling or texting, I’m going to feel like I did something wrong even if it makes no sense. I’ll apologize incessantly because when things went wrong, I was usually blamed. It never mattered if it was truly my fault or not. I’ve been conditioned to assume that I fucked up somewhere, that I should have been able to control the outcome to a situation or problem.

I’m gradually learning that I can’t control every aspect of my life and that not everything is my fault but it’s extremely difficult especially when I’m not getting the reassurance I sometimes need. I need to be reminded sometimes that it’s not my fault when something goes wrong (and if it is my fault, I’ll proud take responsibility, but that has never been an problem for me). I know it’s bad to depend on others to reassure you all the time but I swear, it’s only the people that own a piece of my darkened heart that I need reassurance from. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I do mean something to them because they mean so much to me.

I’m very sure it has to do with the fact that most people that have walked out of my life did so unexpectedly. Like things were all good and well then they’re just not. They were also the people that left scars on me that can never be seen or healed. Some of those people meant the world to me and I honestly don’t know who or where I would’ve been without them. Even though I shouldn’t, I’m still always wondering what and if I did something wrong. So now I’m always worrying that someone important to me will just decide that their life is better of without me in it. It’s happened before, why can’t it happen again you know? It’s terrible to torture yourself that why but what can I say? I’m some kind of masochist apparently. The fact of the matter is that I just want to know that everything’s okay between us. I need to be reminded that you’re not going anywhere or that you’ll at talk to me before anything like that ever happened.

I know I can be needy. I want to constantly apologize for it. But I also want to be told that it’s okay that I’m not always okay. That it’s okay and absolutely fine that I need extra reassurance every now and then. My need for reassurance has been off the charts lately. On one hand, I want to ask for it. On the other, I don’t want to annoy anyone. It’s a difficult position I’m in. And honestly? I have no idea what to do.

A Little Kindness

Today marks two years since my injury. Many of you don’t know, but this day two years ago, I severely injured my knee and for a year, I have managed to struggle through everything.

Thus far, I can honestly say that 2016 was the worst year of my life. I got injured, fought a lot with depression, a had lost in the family, and watched so many of my friend struggle through everything life was throwing at them.

I was in the hospital for quite a while and it was depressing. Everyday I woke up wishing I didn’t. There wasn’t a day that I stayed in the hospital that I wasn’t stuck with a needle or was given meds to take for pain. Before that, I hardly ever took anything for pain. I would bear through it but the pain I was in was too great to just ride out. I had so many different nurses and they were all kind but I just wanted to be at home.

There was this one nurse, her name was Jenna. Jenna did this amazing thing that brought me to tears. One night, I was sad that my mom had left to go home and I was left alone again. I wanted so badly to go home with her but I couldn’t. I had to stay in bed and limit my movements because I was so injured. Well that night, it started snowing. And I love snow. I love watching snow fall onto the ground and watch it slowly build up. There’s something so serene about it. I strained for a bit to get a better look but I sadly can’t turn like an owl. I gave up and was pretty disappointed. My nurse eventually came in to check on me and saw that it was snowing. She talked for a bit, asking about how I felt and everything then out of nowhere she unlocked my bed and moved it closer to the window so that I could see out of it. I started crying right then and there.

I was going through a shit time and Jenna made my night so much better. She didn’t have to move my bed. With a hospital full of people that needed care, she could have just taken my vitals and left. But she stayed and did something unexpected that made me so incredibly happy. I will never forget that. Her kindness meant everything to me in the days that were some of my darkest.

I still hate hospitals. I know there is a lot of life that comes from a hospital but there are also a lot of deaths. Don’t get me wrong, death wasn’t and isn’t something I’m afraid of. I learned that death was a part of life and that was okay. It’s sad and it sucks so much but it’s the only thing in life that’s guaranteed.

I actually don’t know why I hate hospitals so much. But I always did. One of my goals in life was to stay out of the hospital unless I was in labor with a child or something along the lines. It probably wasn’t a reasonable goal to begin with but I really don’t like hospitals.

I hope that every person is touched with kindness wherever they may be in life. So many people forget that the littlest of actions can truly make a difference to someone. You never know what someone is going through and it cost absolutely nothing to be kind.

It’s difficult sometimes. People are motivated by self interest but regardless, everyone should be shown a little kindness. I find it difficult still. I’d much rather be an introvert and not have to deal with people. To strangers, I do try to be polite but some days are harder than others. But that doesn’t stop me from making an effort. That’s all you can do right? Your best?

Late Nights

Do you ever just have so much on your mind that you just know you won’t be able to sleep?

I’ve always been more of a night person but I usually end up falling asleep for a bit before I have to get up for the day. It’s currently 2:30am and I’m wide awake with a billions of thoughts in my head. I had really good conversations and a good conversation always puts me in a good mood.

This time though, I can’t help but think of all my insecurities. All the thoughts of how and where I fall short are consuming my mind. I kind of know why my insecurities are digging their way out but I don’t understand why I’m so stuck on them. I’m comparing myself to people I don’t even know and that’s horrible.

Comparing yourself to anyone is already pretty bad. It’s even worse when you don’t even know the person, you’re kind of just hearing stories about them. Although it’s hard to hear about someone else from a person you care about. They’re so light and cheery talking about someone else. It makes you think if they talk about you the same way to other people. It’s not something you can really know, you know?

A person’s feelings I mean. You can never truly grasp how another person is feeling about you. That’s what makes human relationships so complex. And stressful. As a curious person who likes to just learn and know about everything, it’s hard to accept that some things you can never really understand the depths of. Human emotion especially. Sure, I could probably go to school and learn how to read people’s behaviors and body languages. Psychology is pretty amazing that way. However, I don’t think any one person can fully ever understand another person.

It reminds me of a conversation I had earlier in the day. A friend of mine said that he knew me as well as he could know me but knows that he’ll never really know me. It’s a mouthful right? What he was trying to tell me was that no matter how close and how well you know a person, that person has the capacity to change at any given moment. People are constantly changing and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve always believed that it takes a few tries to find the balance between person you’re meant to be and the person you want to be.

Back to the whole insecurity thing. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to someone else. But the person I care about talks about them in a way that makes me think that they miss those days with that other person. How could I possibly compete with that? There’s a history there I know nothing about. Even if I’m told the history, I can’t comprehend the feelings that were there at the time and how the person I care about feels about it now. I mean, I could ask. However, I know that some feelings and thoughts aren’t meant to be shared with others.

I can’t help but be curious though. The person I care about seems so happy when they’re reminiscing. It makes me envious. Unreasonably so. I didn’t know them way back when to share in their memories. But I’m grateful that I know them now. I hope to make new memories with them that they’ll some day reflect on and smile about.

Feelings are difficult for me to deal with. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I’ll avoid dealing with them like the plague. I do have my moments where I embrace my emotions but more often than not, I’d much rather run from them. It has a lot to do with my abandonment issues. Oh yeah, I have abandonment issues. Something I’ll talk more about eventually. I have found that blogging and not knowing who might be reading has helped me be more open about my feelings. It’s like a journal but public. An idea that always scared me. One day, I just decided I was finally going to do it. Start a public blog that anyone could read. It’s frightening yet exhilarating at the same time.

Quick blurb: Thank you to all my readers and welcome to any newcomers. I hope you enjoy my blog. It’s basically me ranting at almost 3am or any time of the day really and posting on (mostly) a weekly basis.

Back to my point. Nights are hard for me. I’m sure there are many that can relate. All the thoughts and worries come rushing to you all at once. Sometimes you lay down, ready to just fall asleep but instead you think about everything that happened. Anything that could happen. All the things you want to happen. Hopes, dreams, just anything. All you want to do is close your eyes and turn off your brain but it feels impossible.

So here I am just thinking about my insecurities and how they can scare people away. People who I hold near and dear. People I want in my life for the unforeseeable future. It makes me second guess so much and makes me so anxious. I do realize that you just have to take the chance. Letting someone in is a struggle but sometimes it’s worth it. Other times… you question why you even need people in your life. But we’re social beings. People enjoy the company of others. There is no person (that I have met) that has been born wanting to be alone. I hope no one is alone. It’s a horrible feeling. But in order to not be alone, you have to risk the chance of getting hurt. It might take a long while before you find the right person to let in but never stop trying.

I believe that there are truly people in the world that are meant to be in your life. Whether to guide you through it, help you along the way, or to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget. May life never stop you from seeing and finding the good in not only others, but yourself. Yes, I know I sound like a fortune cookie sometimes. Unfortunately, I’m not all that great at writing but I’m trying to be better.

Late nights suck but sometimes I’m glad for them. They give me a second to really think about my life and what I want it to be. While there are plenty of negative thoughts clouding my mind, there are many positive ones that balance that out. It’s nights like this that make me anxious as hell but also gives me a moment of clarity. I wonder if anyone reading understands that feeling as well. I’d love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a good night. Oh, and Happy New Year! May you find whatever it is you are looking for in life.

Staying Strong

There’s a lot I want to write about staying strong but this is specifically dedicated to some of the strongest people I know.

First, let me begin with my favorite not so little human. It’s been a year since my uncle passed away and it’s been one helluva year. There were so many things happening in your life and you had to deal with it without him. Those emotions and thoughts? I’d give anything for you to never have felt or thought. I know you’re not a little girl anymore. But let’s not forget that I’ve held you as a baby, I’ve changed your diapers, held you when you cried, and watched you grow. So while you’re not technically little anymore, you’ll forever be my baby girl and I will never stop trying to protect you. Even if that means babying you from time to time.

You should have been able to enjoy high school without a care in the world. I know that’s not realistic but I never want you to hurt. I hated seeing you go through everything you did and everything you continue enduring. I wish everyday that I could take that pain from you. You’re far too young to worry about the rest of your life without someone you needed behind you. I know you’re struggling. Sometimes I look over and that glimmer in your eyes is missing. You put on a false smile to show everyone you’re okay when you’re not. It’ll never get easier. And you’ll never stop hurting but you will learn to live with it. Eventually, you’ll learn to just focus on the memories and live the best you can.

That’s what he would have wanted. He wouldn’t have wanted you to sit at home crying when you could be out, enjoying your life to the fullest. Don’t let the grief consume you. He’s always with you, cheering you on even if you can’t hear him. I pray that you never forget that. Never let the anger dictate your life. He was taken from you way too soon because life isn’t fair. It’s cruel. I always hoped the reality of life wouldn’t hurt you and instead it crushed you completely. You’ve been so strong. You’re holding your head high and you’re doing your very best to live without him. You hurt so much but that has yet to stop you from living every day to the fullest. I hope you never stop taking risk, never stop yourself from loving, never let yourself go down a dark path.

There’s so much in the world that I hope for you but the most important is that I hope you find happiness. Find happiness wherever you can (as long as it won’t harm you) and hold on to it. Don’t be afraid of life. It’s only going to get more difficult and you’re only going to get stronger.

To the second, you’re pretty freaking amazing. You’ve been through a rough few months and I’m so proud of you. I know balancing the semester and going back and forth to go home was rough. I’m sure there are many nights where you were up worrying about everything. I think there were many times you held back what you were feeling. I wanted so badly to ask and push you to talk about everything but if you wanted to talk about it with me, you would’ve. I wish there was more I could have done and I wish you had opened up more about it. You went through a hurricane of emotions and somehow made it through fairly okay (that I could see anyways). I hated seeing you so run down from exhaustion. But you were so strong through it all. Not only for you, but for her.

I don’t know how you did it. Sometimes in life it feels like we don’t have a choice but that’s not true. There is always a choice you can make. You chose the one that caused you pain and made you feel helpless because there was nothing you could do but be there. And you chose to stay by her side through the entirety of it. That takes an incredible amount of strength whether you realize that or not. I’m so happy that you both got through it and I hope you never have to face anything like that again.

You have showed me that strength comes in many forms. I’m amazed by your courage every day and admire you so much. I hope you both continue to stay strong without everything that comes your way and that you remember that I will always be happy to be by your side if you need someone to lean on. You’re pretty great human beings and I pray you never let the harsh realities of life bring you down.