Are the worst. Especially when you’re depressed.
I spend all day not feeling a thing then at some point in the night, it all hits me and drowns me like a large wave. I start feeling suffocated and hopeless. What’s the point of any of it? Why am I always so quick to hurt myself. It’s like I can’t let myself succeed in anything. Anytime I start feeling okay again, here comes this darkness that can only be remembered by staying in bed and becoming listless for a while.
It’s a disgusting cycle that I can’t break. I have so much to do. So fucking much to catch up on at school yet I spent all my time laying around and not really doing anything. Usually, I’m pretty on top of my game. Assignments that are due are done and submitted. Exams are being managed through time carved out to study for them. I don’t really give myself time to think. I just do things even if I’m doing them without any real feeling or motivation.
At least I’m doing something you know? even if I’m moving forward without feeling any real joy or inspiration or anything, at least I’m staying positive and moving forward. Now I just feel like that’s all useless. I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to better myself because they are no results. And the lack of motivation really kicks in. It’s a reminder that perhaps I’m not getting anywhere because I have no motivation for anything. I know always not always motivated to do something but it’s pretty damn important when you’re trying to look toward the bigger picture. Except when I look at the bigger picture, the canvas is empty. There’s nothing there I look forward to. No dreams to dream of, no goal to work towards.
It’s something I truly hate about myself that I can’t seem to change no matter how I’m feeling about myself. I have no aspirations in life and that makes life difficult to live.
Mornings are the hardest. Knowing that I have to get up to feel and not feel all day is exhausting. There’s always this moment before I snooze my alarm for the hundredth time that I just wish, for one second, to just be free of all my responsibilities. To freeze this moment and spend a lifetime in it. To truly feel the emptiness I feel. Only then will I be able to step back, take a look at myself, and pick myself back up. I always want to stop living this life and start over again. That’s when I remind myself that every day is a new day. I just have to do better after some sleep.
But then I don’t sleep. I lay there and think. About me, my life, my family, my friends. Next thing I know, I’m staring absentmindedly at nothing. I lost so much time that I should’ve spent sleeping. I lost the few hours of absolute peace that I needed to reenergize and start over. So in the morning, when I eventually fall asleep and wake up, I’m already disappointed in myself and it’s easier to just stay numb all day. Better than accepting that I had let myself down, again. I have no one to blame but me. And that’s the worst of it. I can take responsibility when I wrong someone else but when I wrong myself? I might as well not feel. Not think. I shouldn’t do anything because I’ll just disappoint myself like I do time and time again. The lack of faith in myself is just a reminder of how much deeper I need to love and value myself. Because as equally as I love myself, I despise my existence.