Sabotage

Have you ever felt like things are so right that it’s suspicious? Like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop in a sense.

I have this nasty habit of ruining good things because I’m afraid that I don’t end things, something or someone else will. It’s not possible to be this happy without something going wrong is basically my logic when it comes to happiness in life. I’m constantly thinking that there has to be some of catch. Things are just too good to be true, you know?

It’s a self-destructive behavior, I know that but I can’t really help it. When things seem too good to be true, they generally are. It’s not like I’m hoping for something bad to happen but I’m absolutely prepared for it. Is that wrong of me? It’s very pessimistic way of thinking though. My thoughts are usually pessimistic whereas my actions and things I say aloud are typically very optimistic. I’m a paradox, what can I say? Gotta keep people on their toes and all that jazz.

I can’t be the only one right? The whole calm before the storm type of feeling. Life is hard enough without your insecurities playing a role. At least you’d think. From my experience, life can be really good one moment but then something happens and tarnishes that. Then when you think back on it, you associate it with whatever pain you felt at the time. It makes me hesitant to enter situations that are similar and avoiding feeling the same feelings. Then again, I try to avoid feeling heavy emotions on a daily basis. When it comes to matters of the heart, there’s no making sense of it.

As a person who like control, feelings are not my friends. The only way I can control how I feel is if control the situation. That’s my thought process. A bad one, I’m aware. No one can control every aspect of their life.

So sometimes, when things are going really well in life, I start looking for something that could go wrong. And I’ve always believed that if you’re looking for something, you’re going to find it. I’m gradually learning to stop sabotaging good things. I guess I’m still trying to remember that I do deserve good things to happen in life and not everything has to have an end date. There’s no guarantees in life aside from death. A bit morbid to think about but the true nonetheless.

I’m not used to things going right. Let’s say it’s a long story but I’m doing my best and I encourage anyone who acts self-destructively to do the same. Go into every situation with the an open mind. Don’t decide that something isn’t worth trying or worth experience based on past experiences that may or may not have been similar. Believe that things will work out. And however they do work out, you’ll figure out how to deal with it when you need to. It’s definitely a work in progress.

Feelings

I absolutely despise dealing with feelings but lately I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions and it’s been awful.

I’ve never been the girl to get over emotional when I’m out in public but a few nights ago, I struggled keeping myself in check. I had tears in my eyes all night and all my friends could do was ask if I was okay. I just wanted to scream. Obviously, I was not okay. I hate feeling the way I do sometimes because I put myself in those situations.

Even when I’m not a fan of doing something or going somewhere, I usually feel bad because I’m always the driver and the one that has to be responsible. I generally don’t mind but a few nights ago, I was exhausted. Not only did I get less than two hours of sleep, I also worked all day. After not being at the job for a month, it was good to see everyone that I had bonded with while I was working when I was on a normal schedule but it was also draining. I’d like to think I’m fairly extroverted but even extroverts need introverted moments, you know? Just a few minutes to breathe.

Anyways, after work I was really looking forward to a nap before I did anything else for the night. But my friends all wanted to hang out and I could palpably feel their excitement radiating through the messages. I felt that I had no choice but to go. They didn’t mean to make it seem that way, they were just being honest. And of course I didn’t have to but when everyone is excited to get together and you’re the only person preventing that, you kind of feel like shit for being the odd one out.

Anyone that knows me knows all too well that I love my friends and will always put them before myself. I make a lot of sacrifices for them in hopes that it’ll make things easier for them or make them happy even just a little bit. It was insanely hurtful that all night, while I sat alone in the corner, all they could do was ask if I was okay when I clearly was not and repeat that we could leave anytime. They were having tons of fun, how could I just stand up and say “time to go.” It stung like hell that they saw I wasn’t okay but didn’t do anything. I put myself in that situation of course. If I were a different person, I wouldn’t have thought twice about staying home and sleeping. But being me, I knew my one friend was going to leave to go back to school soon. I didn’t want her to feel excluded. She misses a lot while she’s a school and sure, going away was her idea but I always feel bad that she’s not with us all whenever we hang out during the semester. I hate the feeling of being left out so I’ve always done my best to ensure no one feels that way.

Sure, my friends say thank you but to me, those are just words to me. They don’t really hold a meaning anymore. They’re just so used to saying it, like a reflex once I drop each of them off. I know they’re thankful but sometimes, it seems so meaningless. I’m not asking for huge gestures or anything crazy. I just wish that sometimes they would be more considerate of me and all the thing I have to do to ensure they have fun while I’m stuck being the driver everywhere. Sometimes, I know they have an idea of how I’m feeling but they never really say anything. I guess they believe that if I want to do something or whatever that I’d say something.

The thing is, I usually don’t. What I want to do or places I want to go aren’t really things they’d be interested in. And on the rare chance that they are, guess who has to pick up everyone and ensure they get home okay at the end of the night. Especially knowing the places I want to go or things I want to do is out of their comfort zone. I don’t say anything because I’d just worry the entire time about how they were feeling and if they were having a good time. What’s the point then? I hate that some parts of my life I can’t really share with them because it’s not exactly their thing.

It’s the downside to be the mom of the group. Always worrying. The constant anxiety over them and whether or not they’re enjoying themselves. I know it’s my own fault. I should speak up. Even posting this, I know things aren’t going to change unless I want to just stay home and do nothing all the time. It’s easier to just do whatever they want because at least one of us will be happy and have fun. I’m usually pretty neutral about everything do or and everywhere we go anyways.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to just hang out somewhere. But there’s always a part of me that resents going out because I know at the end of the night, I’m making a long drive home alone. I know I’m complaining a lot and that things aren’t going to change unless I do something but for once, I wish it wasn’t me that has to do everything. Just once, I’d like to spend time with them and not have to worry about how everyone is getting somewhere or how they’re getting home. I want to go out and not feel bad about not going out of my way for someone. I’m not even sure I know how to that that. I don’t know how to not be the mom. To just be carefree and not worry about anyone but myself. With my group of friends, I’m either the mom or the odd one out and that’s the norm.

Taking a Chance

So recently I took a chance on a guy despite telling myself that I was just going to focus on myself and my education. Dating felt like such a waste of time because the guys I talked to or met seemed to only really care about sex or wanted to play games.

I was really tired of it. The guys I’ve dated have been disappointing and didn’t seem to have the vaguest idea of what they wanted to do with their life. Sure, I’m only twenty but I do have some kind of idea of where I would like to be, some goals I’d like to reach. These guys were fine with working at their jobs, going home to play video games, and living with their parents forever. If that’s what makes you happy, great. But I’d like a guy with ambition.

There’s something seriously attractive about a guy that knows what he wants and does everything he can to achieve that. Even if the guy doesn’t know what he wants, at least he’s working on himself you know? The guys I dated basically thought they were God’s gifts to women and that they were perfect the way they are. The arrogance was annoying. Especially when they were such assholes. Like no, of course my needs don’t matter, please tell me more about you and how great you are. They were the kind of guys that wanted someone to be there for them and assure them of their greatness. I am absolutely not that type of person. I’m going to tell you how it is. I’m opinionated and they couldn’t handle that so they made me feel inadequate. I’m glad those “relationships” ended before they really began. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m lacking in some way.

I felt so stupid after each of those short term whatever they were. I wanted things to work out because I didn’t want to be single anymore. It didn’t take me long to realize that I enjoy being single and how stress-free it is. I told myself that I wasn’t going to date anymore. Not until I met someone that actually wanted a partner, not a posse. I didn’t have much hope.

Then comes this guy. Cliché right? I met him online and didn’t have high hopes because of the guys before. But this guy… We basically texted for a bit one day then nothing for a month. I hadn’t even thought of him because, well, the short conversation wasn’t anything but a casual, how’s your day going type of thing. It wasn’t until I was sitting in a meeting, bored and was deleting some old messages that I came across a number I didn’t recognize. I was about to open it and see who it was when he texted me. It was such a coincidence. We laughed about it and from that day on, we texted everyday. Before I knew it, a month went by and he asked me out. I thought it was way too soon. I didn’t realize how long we had been talking. Not that a month is all that long. In that moment is did though.

If I’m being honest, I typically stop talking to guys pretty quickly but I get bored of them. With this guy, I looked forward to talking to him. The conversations were interesting and I genuinely enjoyed texting him. So when he asked me out the first time, I was anxious because it was too soon. A few days later, I realized that we have been talking for awhile and I’m an idiot. I was seriously hoping he’d ask me out again.

Eventually he did and we went out. First dates are nerve wracking, I was also going to be meeting him for the first time in person. Safe to say I was a bundle of nerves. I got there first and was distracting myself by talking to my girls. When he finally got there, he had to change his flat. I was debating whether or not I should “help.” I’m useless when it comes to changing tires, I know, I suck. Anyways, my first thought was to at least keep him company. I asked my best friend and he said that if it were him, he’d want me to stay in my car because it was cold and raining out. I ignored him of course and went to keep the guy company.

It sucked that his car got a flat but I think it worked out well. He was okay, which was most concerning to me. After reassuring me that he was, we got to talking. We didn’t immediately have the pressures of a first date. In a way, we got to hang out a bit and it was really nice. I didn’t really care that it was cold and raining, I knew instantly that I made the right choice of standing out there with him. For me, the cold and rain is kind of important. You see, I have a terrible immune system. I get sick at the drop of a hat and I stay sick for a long time, it can get pretty bad (it has to do with being bedridden for three months because of my injury, in case you were curious).

Eventually he got the stuck screw loose and finished changing his tire. We went inside and had a nice dinner. I did end up getting sick (no surprise). It sucked because when I’m sick, my body is a lot weaker, I’m already kind of weak, and I kind of need strength to control my knee functions. I actively have to focus on walking or I’ll fall and seriously mess up my knee, which has gone through more enough. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but if you knew me personally you’d know it was a huge deal. So, I hobbled around for a few days and thankfully with the help of some DayQuil, I was better.

The date was absolutely worth it. We had a second date a few nights ago and I’m stilling grinning about it. Needless to say, I like the guy. I’m doing my best not to overthink everything and kind of just go with the flow. I do have to admit that I’m scared of things ending before they begin just like the past experiences. But I’m going to do what I always do. Hope like hell things work out but I won’t hold any expectations. Going with the flow is lot easier said than done though.

The moral of this little spiel is that I took a chance on this guy and so far, I’m pretty damn glad I did. I didn’t think I could after everything I’ve been through with the opposite sex but here I am. Taking a chance on him and hoping things turn out okay.

Wish me luck!

Sometimes…

Have you ever gotten that feeling where you just click with someone?

You meet them and you’re suddenly thinking, “Wow, where have you been all my life?”

I have that feeling often with my friends. I’m so grateful for them. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Those people have truly inspired me to be better. They’ve pushed my understanding of the world and challenged me to think differently. I doubt they even know that. (I’m not exactly the most forthcoming with feelings, though I am getting better)

I always thought that there is never going to be a person in the world that understands you and what you’re going through in life. I still believe that and probably will until I die. BUT, just because people can never really understand, doesn’t mean that they don’t care.

Throughout life, you meet many people but not all become good friends. The friends I’ve made so far are amazing people. It’s during those quiet nights where we’re parked somewhere or even just sitting around doing absolutely nothing that I feel really appreciative for the people around me.  It’s the times when you’re together, even playing on your phone or something that really mean something. It’s in those moments that I don’t feel so alone.

Sometimes, I’m in awe that I can call those people my friends. They’re the kind of friends that listen without judgment, give unbiased answers, the ones that try their best to understand. And if they can’t, they do their best to comfort you. Offer you their shoulder to lean on, their hand to hold when you’re scared, the ones that will hug you when you need one but will always respect you personal and know when to leave you alone.

Sometimes, specifically when thoughts lean toward the negatives, it’s hard to remember those people. Difficult to reach out despite them holding their hand out for you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to ask for help. Whether it be physical, mental, or emotional help, it’s not easy. But those people, those amazing people I’ve been telling you about? Sometimes they have a way of knowing just what to say or just what to do to kick you out of the slump you’re in.

The most important sometimes, is sometimes allowing people in. That’s the most challenging. Giving people that chance to get to know you. Allowing them to earn your trust. Letting them care about you and in turn, caring about them. It can be extremely difficult, but it become an invaluable friendship.

Sometimes, people surprise you. Some truly care about what you want, what inspires you, who you aspire to be. Sometimes you get lucky and befriend the most amazing people that you can’t imagine your life without and even if you could, you don’t want to. Those people that are always ready to stand by you and support you even through your dumbest decisions. The ones that with laugh with you and teach you to laugh at yourself from time to time. Sometimes, when you feel that connection with people, you have to find the courage to open up and put your best foot forward.

It’ll be worth it.

Stress

It’s confusing. Too much stress is bad, but stress can be good.

I know with looming deadlines and due dates, I’m more likely to stay focused and get my work finished. But when I’m stressing about it too early, like a good week before anything is due, my procrastination levels are high and my motivation to get it finished is nonexistent.

But as many students know, college is a whole new level of stress. I wrote about being overwhelmed before, well stress is definitely a factor of it. Everything seems to creep up on you. Assignments, quizzes, exams, projects. You name it. You plan out time to get each thing done but sometimes you don’t finish when you’re supposed to or you’re forced to rely on someone to complete their part before you can finish yours. Then all a sudden, there’s no time to do anything let alone study for that exam you really need to pass.

It makes you just want to pull your hair out. Life can be difficult enough without adding school into the mix. Let’s not even mention the stresses of friendships, relationships, and that awful thing called the future. As students, we’re supposed to somehow balance everything and get enough sleep at night. How? There are only so many hours in the day and it seems like every hour is already occupied with assignments you need to do or responsibilities you need to keep.

Life in all is stressful. One stressful event after another then if there’s nothing, you’re stressing over the fact that there’s nothing to stress over. I feel that all the stress we overcome makes us better people. We know the struggles others might be going through and can offer advice. While we’ll never truly understand how another feels, we can always lend a hand or offer a shoulder to lean on.

I think we, as humans, need stress. It reminds us that we have the capacity to care and worry about things around us. It’s part of what makes us such complex beings. It certainly makes life interesting.

Envy

A basic human emotion that everyone feels whether they would admit it or not.

Webster’s definition is “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”

I think it’s pretty accurate. I get envious all the time. It can be something as simple as knowing what to order in a restaurant. It’s not exactly what I’m envious about, I promise, it’s a tad deeper.

You see, I envy people who know what they want and know the path to walk to get them there.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I wish I had it all together.

Sure, I’m in school (struggling to the point of frustration, in case you were wondering) but I don’t really know what I want. Well, I guess that isn’t entirely true. I’d like to graduate and have a job lined up. But what comes after that? Am I only alive to go to school and work? I want more.

Except I don’t know what more is. Some people seem to have life all figured out. They’re going to finish school then work here then do this, then do that. How are they so decisive? How do they begin to figure out what they want? I’m sure they struggled through uncertainty but they eventually came to a conclusion. How?

Too often, I find myself spacing out, wondering what comes next.

People say you’re supposed to live in the present and plan for the future. I even tell my overwhelmed friends to take it one day at a time because what else can you do? But how do you live in the present when you’re so stressed out for the future?

Every step you take, every decision has a consequence that will effect the path you’re walking in life. The question remains, how do you know which direction to go in? I wish I had an answer. Life would be simple if you were handed a guide at birth and set up to complete your goals as if it were a level in a game. I mean, life is a game. The only difference is that in the game of life, there isn’t a clear winner or loser. It’s all defined by you. If you think you succeeded, then you did. If you think you failed, you did.

There is no clear winner because we all define success differently.

An amazing teacher once said, “Life is a sum of all your choice.” She was quoting Albert Camus (A French philosopher, if you didn’t know. Yeah, I didn’t either).

When she said that, it struck a cord with me. Only you can determine the meaning of your life and every decision you make helps you do that. So when I get envious of people, I kind of allow myself to feel that way. The saying is that nobody can make you feel anything you don’t allow them to.

I feel that it betters my understanding of me. It makes me question my goals and if it’s really the person I envy rather then where they are in life.

It is difficult though. Living with that envy. I was thrown off track because of a serious leg injury. And because of that, I’m far behind from where I should be. It’s hard seeing everyone moving so far down their paths and how well they seem to be doing while I’m here playing catch up. I want to be where they are. Close to that degree that seems like a trophy. That one piece of paper that supposedly opens tons of doors. I’m so far away that I sometimes lose sight of why it’s so important. I’m not so sure I even truly understand why it’s so important right now. There are so many brilliant minds that never finished school. They had an idea, or a vision and made that into a reality. I envy that too by the way. I have no abstract thoughts that I want to make concrete. Even if I did, I’m not so sure I could make it real.

Guess a lot of it has to do with confidence in yourself. That’s certainly something I don’t have enough of. I’ll never stop being envious of people that do. Maybe we’re all just faking it until we make it or maybe I hope that to make myself feel better. I don’t really know. What I do know is that one day I’d like to stop faking it and actually make it somewhere.

Betrayal

I always thought it was funny how people would say, “The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.”

What’s funny is that your enemies couldn’t betray you. They’re your enemies for a reason. It’s the people closest to you that you generally trust with your secrets. So needless to say, they’re the only ones that could hurt you so personally. So why do people say that? Isn’t it kind of obvious that betrayal isn’t going to come from someone you don’t trust? You expect your enemies to harm you or be indifferent but never your friends. So maybe that’s why that saying exist.

I trust my friends almost completely. But I think it’s self-preservation to never fully trust someone. It’s good to be skeptical. Good to question everything. It’s not like we live in a world where everyone has good motives or morals.

Trust is such a fragile thing. It takes forever to build and only seconds to break. And like anything, once it’s broken, it’s never the same. I hate that feeling. Thus far, I’ve trusted many people. It was the right decisions for a handful but there have been so many I wrongfully trusted. And the thing about betrayal is that it never really feels like betrayal in the beginning. It just hurts, a lot. I think that after the hurt, there’s just a lot of anger then confusion. Betrayal comes much, much later. After everything’s been said and done, once you’ve finally stepped back and start moving on. That’s when the hurt of betrayal hits you.

I had a best friend once. She was like a sister I never had. I truly though we’d be friends until we were old and gray. Then one day, she decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore. That she was just done with me. I trusted her with everything that made me who I am. She was my go-to for everything and it crushed me when she said what she had to say. I don’t even know what happen and while there’s no bad blood between us, I’ll still never understand what happened.

There was something she said to me that still makes me question my relationships. She said, “You’re so stubborn that you would not understand how I feel and don’t tell me you know how I feel because you fucking don’t. I should’ve never listened to your output on my breakup because you can’t even handle a relationship yourself.” (Yes, I had the conversation saved because I’m a glutton for punishment).

For so long, I thought she was right. I never thought of myself as stubborn but I guess that’s what a stubborn person would say. This happened in high school, about three years ago. I’m still not sure if she’s right but I do know that no matter what relationship I’m involved in, what she said stays in the back of my mind. Is she right? About me not being able to handle a relationship? All the relationships I’ve been in never seemed to work out. Was it my fault?

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what a good relationship entails. And despite being so young still, I’m not sure I’ll ever know what a good relationship is. I know, I’m way too young to be so cynical.

Back to the moral of this sidebar. I felt betrayed and I felt like I betrayed her too. I’ll never really know or understand what happened but I know that feeling will never leave me nor will I forgive myself. What I do know is that I trusted this person with everything that made me vulnerable and she turned those words against me when it suited her. It definitely changed the way I trusted all my friends. For a long time, I kept all the important stuff in because I didn’t want to hurt the same ever again. Hell, I didn’t even want to use the term best friend anymore. It felt like a jinx. Like if I had best friend, they’d somehow betrayal me or leave me too. It’s silly, I know. I recently got over that but the fear remains.

I’ve always told my friends that I’d support them even if I didn’t like their decision. I think I’ve done a good job at keeping my word. How I see it is that at the end of the day, it’s their life and I just want them to be happy. So, if my (ex) best friend is happier without me in her life, than I’m happy for her. Even if it hurts like hell. Besides, I know we’ll it’s never be the same if we ever mended our friendship.

Betrayal is a fickle feeling like many in life. It hurts to be betrayed but it shouldn’t stop you from letting people in. It’s a risk to let people in but that’s what life is all about. We take risk and hope like hell it was worth it. I hope the risks you all take are always worth it. And if not, learn from it but don’t let it shut you down.