Dating Step 3: Gettin’ Down and Dirty ;)

Totally kidding, unless you’re into that. I don’t judge.

If it wasn’t completely clear, we’re talking about sex here. With all the talking and dating, eventually it’s going to led to a physical relationship. Not always, but most of the time your relationship is going to advance to the sex aspect. This is a huge part of the intimacy (not the only piece though).

I discussed it previously but communication and comfort is vital, especially when it comes to sex. Make sure you’re comfortable enough in your relationship to discuss sex openly. It’s just another learning aspect of the relationship. You need to talk about what works, what doesn’t, what you like, what they like. Most people just jump into sex and sometimes that just works for them. Sexual chemistry is a huge thing (lol, I’m immature). But seriously, being sexually attracted to someone is important in the relationship.

But don’t get me wrong, sex isn’t always important to people but this post isn’t for those people. I’m definitely not one of them. I couldn’t imagine being with someone that I didn’t want to sleep with. I enjoy sex and I’m not afraid to admit it. So for me, sexual chemistry is right up there as a dealbreaker. And I absolutely need to feel comfortable with my partner. Some guys, don’t take constructive criticism well. Don’t be that guy. I repeat, do not be that guy.

I don’t care if you’ve had sex with dozens of people, what worked before might not always work. Be secure enough to talk about that stuff and change it up! Don’t be afraid to explore together. And more importantly, don’t be afraid to laugh together. Sex should be fun! Experiment and have fun while you’re doing it. Be comfortable enough with your partner to joke around about it afterwards or hell, even during. Don’t be scared that you’re doing something wrong, it’s all a part of learning about each other’s bodies.

I promise you (maybe not everyone) but we do think about the physical relationship and all that goes on. All the good, bad, and hella awkward parts. I always remember pausing to laugh at something or even to stopping in the middle of sex to watch something on the TV for a few and going right back down to business. I loved those moments. I remember them fondly and it always makes me think about my partner (not that I have one anymore, *sigh*).

And the absolute most important thing, do not compare. You might have many relationships and if you’re serious about the person, do not compare them to your experiences before. You’re with a new person. Take that time to learn and share a physical connection with someone that is solely with them. Never compare them to an ex.

Dating Step 2: Issa Dates!

The best conversations are done face to face so take her out on dates!

A lot of people think of dates as pricey but they don’t have to be. Go for a freaking walk, hang out at park, go swing on swings! Sky’s the limit with dates. Ask her out, frequently. Be spontaneous about it but also have dates that are well thought out and planned. Doing a variety of things together can be really fun and you get to create memories that she’ll absolutely smile about later on.

I know that I constantly see things and it’ll remind me of something I did with someone. It doesn’t always have to be romantic. I’ve probably said it a million times but it is so so important to have a good friendship in order to have a good romantic relationship. The best part about a romantic relationship and differs from a friendship is the intimacy.

The most important aspect of intimacy is comfort. Building a level of comfort with each other is so important in opening up to the the intimate aspects of your relationship. Obviously, you do this by communicating and what better way than to go on dates! You can learn so much about someone while on a date. Their reactions, pieces of their personality, how, what, and why they think the way they do. I love going out on dates with a significant other and with friends.

New experiences. That’s what I love about dates. There are so many things I want to do and learn about. For example, I love wolves. And I happened to learn about a wolf-dog sanctuary not too far away. I thought it’d make an awesome date so I planned it and took my significant other (now ex). I remember him telling me afterwards that it was a really cool experience and that he wouldn’t have thought about looking something like the up. I got to do something I really wanted to (which was petting a bunch of wolf-dogs) and I got to share a unique experience with the person I like. I loved that feelings. Exploring and discovering new things and sharing that with someone.

Just a little tangent to prove that dates are important. It helps you build a connection that will go a long way in building a good/happy relationship.

Dating Step 1: Talking

Let me help you get a girlfriend from a girl’s perspective! Not that I’m an expert or anything.

This is so so so fucking important. Conversation opens the doors for the possibility of a relationship.

From a girl’s perspective, there’s no such thing as too much conversation. When we’re first getting to know someone, we’re really getting an idea of how a relationship would work (at least I do). How much time, attention, and detail you’re going into is important. I know, talking shouldn’t seem so complicated. And it’s not. Honesty is everything. If you’re being asked a question, answer honestly. I’m not asking for my health (well, maybe my mental health because guys are just not great for your health), getting an answering shouldn’t feel like I have to pull teeth.

Do the best you can to communicate. Sometimes, it’s too early to divulge into certain topics and that’s okay. Just let her know that it’s not something you want to talk about right now. Talking gets easier the more you do it. You’ll feel more comfortable and find yourself wanting to talk more. Your goal is to be the first person she wants to tell things to. Become her best friend! Everybody knows a strong relationships is based on an even stronger friendship. You can only get there by gradually opening up.

Communication is where most people fail (me included). It’s difficult and sometimes you don’t realize how much you’re not saying because you’re so accustomed to it. Your secrets are your own. But if you really want to be with someone long-term, build a life with them, you have to build trust. And that comes from entrusting the deepest parts of your life to someone. It’s risky and fucking frightening but the payoff is worth it.

It’s important to remember that everybody has different dynamics and values. Talking is a universal dynamic that needs to be clear. It’s really setting the standard of communication moving forward into a relationship or wherever it is that you want.

Confused

So, a few weeks ago I ended my romantic relationship. At first, it felt like it was the right decision. And it still does, but it’s also very confusing.

Every day that went by, I couldn’t help think that I didn’t really want to date anymore. I love getting to know people but honestly, I hate dating. It’s so nerve-wracking and I’m already a hella nervous person.

I was talking to my oldest friend yesterday to get a male perspective and it helped so much. He’s very similar to my (now) ex in the way he communicates his feelings, which is he doesn’t really do it. It’s all about looking at their actions. I’ve always looked at actions for the truth but being the person I am, I also needed to hear it.

I’ll admit that I can be very annoying about feelings. I’ve come a long way in learning how to express mine through words and apparently, I forgot how long it took me to get to this point and that maybe some people aren’t there or even want to be there yet. So when I ask about feelings, I always want an immediate answer (because it’s seriously anxiety inducing to wait). BUT, it really wasn’t cool of me to do that. It takes a lot of time and thought to sort how your feelings, even more if your mind is just constantly jumbled with other things.

Anyways, my ex finally texted me and got everything off his chest. Which is awesome really. Really proud of him and appreciate that he took the time to do that and tell me about it even though he no longer had to. It made a huge difference and made me extremely confused. The way he said it seemed like he still wanted to be together but he’s not huge on choosing his words carefully. Where I analyze everything and choose my words wisely, he uses the ones that do enough to get his thoughts across but they’re not always clear.

Like seriously, I should just ask. But I’m tired of always asking about that stuff. I figured I’d just leave the ball in his court. I may have ended things, but it’s not like I wanted them to end. I think we have a strong relationship that needs a lot of work. I’m fine with us just being friends, I guess. There’s always going to be a part of me that will want him as more than a friend, but if he just wanted to be friends… I’m here for that. But if he wants more, he’s going to have to initiate that conversation. I have no idea what’s going on.

When I hung out with him post-relationship, it seemed like he kept trying to be close to me (at least physically). Me being the weak bitch that I am avoided him as much as I could. Made sure to not sit next to him, didn’t flirt, didn’t bend over when he stood behind me (don’t judge me, I’m a hoe like that), not stand too close, shit, i didn’t even make eye contact and I’m huge on eye contact. I was scared. When we’re together, it’s so easy to forget everything. I love being with him and being around him. It’s not like I can hide or forget that we have a unique connection. Our personalities just fit, if that makes sense. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve really felt it before.

It’s hard not to just bring it up. I’m very type A about most things. Like do you want to be in a relationship with me??? Do you just wanna be friends??? If I’m wondering, I’m looking for the answer or demanding it. Really bad habit. That’s how I’ve been going through life so it’s hard to change. I need to stop the chasing him and see if I’m worth chasing to him. I don’t really know what I want, being together or not that is. Okay, that’s a lie. I absolutely know but that’s another conversation for a different time.

Hope you guys enjoy my clutter fuck of a life so far. I promise you, I’m only getting more lost and confused as I get older.

The L Word

Scary. I know. I don’t think any is as irrational about it as I am. I’m only talking about in relationships here (and not with family).

I think most people say it too casually. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s truly how you feel, how often you say it doesn’t change the value. But I don’t think most people even know what love is anymore. Granted there are different types of love. Loving somebody, being loved by somebody, and being in love with somebody. Three different forms of love that could possibly break your heart a million times over. That’s why it’s so scary. To me anyways.

What I’m getting at is that they easily get caught up in the moment and the words just spill out. Maybe that’s truly how they feel. There’s no timeline for love. But I don’t think it should be taken as lightly as people typically do.

I love fiercely. The people in my life that I care about, they know I love them despite how mean or bitchy I am. Hopefully, none of them ever doubt it because I don’t let a lot of people in. I don’t tell them often but I should. I know I treasure being told. It’s nice to hear once in a while. Even if my response doesn’t exemplify that.

Growing up, it wasn’t something I heard often so it was just normal for me not to say it either. But now it’s difficult for me to say aloud to people. I can text it just fine but that’s obviously less personal. I was just thinking about how I constantly dodge it when I’m face-to-face with someone. I can’t say it without some kind of insult or I’ll just get really uncomfy about it.

I have a friend that tells me she loves me just to shut me up because she knows it makes me uncomfy but I also know she means it every time. I know that response should be that I also love her but that’s not typically what goes through my head. I find it incredulous every time. It’s the same feeling I get when someone actually wants to talk to or hang out with me. I’m generally a boring person. I could sit and stare at a wall for hours and be perfectly fine. It’s not something I do, I constantly have shit to do but I’m just saying, I could. And I could be entertained by it.

Anyways, it scares me. Saying it aloud I mean. You know that saying, “Speak it into existence”? Well, I’m afraid of that. What if I say it to someone only to realize I don’t feel it the way I should? Or I don’t feel that way but I want to? I will absolutely find a way to convince myself that I do even when deep down I know I don’t. It’s a terrible habit I have. Lying to myself to make myself feel better but the underlying anxiety still exists in the back of my back. I know I’m overthinking it.

When I’m with my boyfriend (and if you’re reading this, fucking stop here). There are times where I just want to blurt it out how I feel because in that moment, that’s all I can hear in my head. But I bite my tongue or say something else that implies it, like “You know how I feel about you.” And sure, he probably does because my actions typically show my feelings but it’s definitely something I should confirm or repudiate. I keep thinking there’s going to be a perfect moment where I’ll just know for sure, without any doubt. But honestly, I’m scared and won’t allow myself to say anything. Things could just end… again.

Valentine’s Day

It’s not until next week but I hope everyone that celebrates it has a good day. And for those that don’t really care, same.

I never really got the point of Valentine’s Day. I know that makes me sound like a hater but I promise I’m not. I love love. I love seeing people happy in their relationships and their happiness over things their significant other does/gets them for Valentine’s Day. Maybe I’m not huge on the “holiday” because I’m really low-key. Yeah, materials are nice but I don’t need them. I don’t want extravagant gestures. It just sounds expensive. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re lovely. It’s also fun to see.

To a point, I understand that need to do something special. Loving someone can really overwhelm you sometimes. You appreciate them, everything that they are. The way they care about/for you, their patience with you, the time and effort they give you. One thing you can never get back is time. So those moments spent with that person that makes your heart beat just a blip faster? Worth every second.

When you love someone so much, I get that you want to spoil them, make sure they’re taken care of every way possible. And maybe sometimes words aren’t enough to express that. I know the words get stuck in my throat all the time. Although saying it aloud scares the crap outta me because then it would be true (another post, for another time).

The point of this isn’t an anti-Valentine’s post. The point that I’m failing to get at is that you don’t need a special day to celebrate love. It’s an everyday thing and it doesn’t always have to be grand gestures. It’s in the smallest things. Like opening a bottle before handing it to you, even when you’re absolutely capable of doing it yourself. Or casually nudging you to the inside of the walkway. Please don’t always hold out hope for grand gesture or expensive materials. Look at everyday things. That’s where you really see love.

However you decide to spend Valentine’s Day, I hope you have an amazing time and never forget that you are loved. Maybe not always by the person you hoped for but there is love all around you.

Family

The saying goes that you should put your family above anything else. I agree, to a point.

Being blood-related means nothing to me. If I’m being honest, my family is pretty selfish, so fucking greedy, and seriously nothing but users (not drugs but people). They have no common sense and just pisses me off. They care more about image than anything. And in turn, they raise their children the same way. They’re vain and teach their kids the same thing. By no means am I perfect. Nowhere close but I do recognize that my beliefs and values are nowhere similar to my family’s and that puts us at a static sometimes. I’m very opinionated and I’m absolutely going to speak up when/if I disagree. It also doesn’t help that I’m Asian.

You see, in Asian culture, respect is everything. Even if your elders don’t deserve shit from you, you’re expected to give them respect simply because they’re older. I hate that. I always believed that you should be polite to everyone (even if they’re rude as hell). But respect? No. God no. You don’t deserve shit from me until you earn it. Nobody in this world is entitled to anything and that’s what a lot of people don’t understand.

My family likes to hold grudges. I did this for you [enter date here] so you should do this “little” thing for me. Usually, it has to do with lending money or doing “little” favors. And if you don’t? You get so much shit for it, especially behind your back. Me being who I am, I never saw the point in talking behind someone’s back. If I don’t like you, you’re going to know it. I’m not going to insult you or talk shit about you to other people. I don’t like you, therefore, you’re irrelevant in my life and I don’t give a shit what you say or do. It’s literally none of my concern. Unless of course, you’re doing something to me. At that point, I would absolutely make it known to you that I want nothing to do with you.

Perhaps it derives from being family. You love them (sometimes) but you don’t necessarily like them. Maybe there’s some kind of need to talk about people that are in your life even when you don’t want them to be. I just don’t see how talking shit about somewhere is going to benefit you in any way. No wait, venting about people does help. But venting isn’t talking shit. Venting is something being done to you and you need to talk about it. To me, it’s always a “let me tell you why this upsets me” kind of thing. Totally off topic as always.

What I’m getting at is your family isn’t always going to mean everything to you and that’s okay. It’s absolutely okay not to like your family or want to get away from them. As an individual, you have your own life to live. And you know what? Your family isn’t always the ones you’re blood-related to, sometimes they’re the friends you made along the way.