New People & New Chances

Fucking frightening. I hate it. I mean, I meet a bunch of people every day but I’ll likely never see them again. It takes the pressure off. I don’t really have to engage with them as much or get too personal.

But, when I’m being asked out by guys I match with on an app, I’m so hesitant in agreeing to meet with them in person and I have no idea why. I know that being nervous is probably natural but it just doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I have a cousin that uses Tinder regularly for hookups and whatever and I have no idea how she does it. I seriously don’t think dating apps are for me but it doesn’t seem like meeting people organically it possible anymore. Everything’s through an app. It’s so impersonal and adds pressure to when you actually meet the person face to face.

On one level, I don’t really care if I meet someone and they end up not liking me or we just don’t vibe the same as we do through messaging. But another part of me is also scared of getting my hopes up. What if the person is nothing like they seem. I know most things and people aren’t what they seem and that I won’t really know unless I physically meet them but… I don’t know. Do I really want to take that chance? Am I even ready to date?

I like the newness of talking to guys I could possibly hang out with and maybe date, but I don’t really want to waste my time or effort or emotions. It takes me a long time to really get comfortable with people. And I’ve always been the type to just know whether or not I’ll like a person after maybe 5 minutes conversing with them. Maybe I judge too quickly but I always try to go with my guts when it comes to people. So far, it’s worked pretty well. I mean, I’ve ignored it plenty but I ended up hurting.

I feel like when it’s right, you just know. I don’t mean just for romantic relationships (I always mean it in general for any relationship). There are a few people I’ve met that I knew I absolutely would not get along with so I won’t even bother. Sometimes I do and wonder why the fuck I did because they turn out to be exactly what and who I thought they’d be.

I get blind sometimes when it comes to guys I’m interested in. There have been sooo many times where I liked the idea of a person more than I actually like the person. I kind of turn a blind eye to the shit they do/say that I normally wouldn’t stand for. For example, my old best friend. He could be very sexist, close-minded, and narcissistic. Three of my biggest pet peeves. If you can even call it that, I feel like it’s not a strong enough word to express my annoyance. But because we’ve been friends for so long, I was used to making excuses for him and just brushing it off for the sake of our friendship. Eventually I had enough and ended the friendship (something I’ve written about here and here).

It makes me question my judgment of people. I try to focus on the positives and maybe I shouldn’t do that so much. It’s either that or I’m nitpicking at everything. I need to find a good balance. Trusting my gut while also giving people a real chance to show me that I’m wrong. To open my eyes to not only the positives but the negatives of people before I focus on only the one and make excuses for it.

I’d love to hear from you guys on the matter. Give me some advice here.

Are there good ways to be cautious and keep an open-mind when it comes to meeting new people?

Is there a good way to go about meeting new people that won’t give me a shit ton of anxiety?

And what the heck do you talk about if you do meet up with them?

How do you decide whether or not someone is worth letting in?

First Love & A Rant

A person can fall in love many times, but the magic of feeling love for someone the first time in life is a unique experience.

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You know what makes first love so difficult? It’s the first time you fell for someone. But what you have to remember is that it doesn’t last most of the time.

If you’re still with your first love, kudos to you because it doesn’t happen often. I hope your relationship continues to grow and that you fall more in love with your partner every day.

For those that loved and lost, same. It sucks, right? It took me a while to get to the point where I’m glad things ended. Yes, I loved him and I fell in love with him. It didn’t last long but our relationship made me happy. And when things ended yet again, I was devastated because this time, I knew I was done. There was a lot of crying and a lot of spacing out. I felt numb and lost all at the same time. I didn’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I was depressed and it seriously sucked. Me depressed usually means me pushing everyone away.

It was really hard. But then I understood why. Well, now I understand why. Your first love is someone you’re learning to open your heart to. To trust them with everything that is you in hopes that it’s enough while hoping they’re doing the same. It’s scary. Putting your time and effort in building a relationship. There’s also that hope that you’ll be together for a long time. Unless you’re like me, anxious with tons of abandonment issues and can’t stop thinking that things are just going to end because it’s too good to be true. I think that’s a feeling that fade with time and security in the relationship. With my first love, I didn’t get there.

It was sad and it hurt, a lot. It hurt even more the second time around because I was stupid enough to try again with the same person. I don’t regret it, though I probably should. I learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have if I didn’t get back together with him.

The shittiest thing about first love, at least for me and a couple friends agree, is that you never really stop having love for them. You forever have a soft spot for that person even when all they do is annoy you and piss you off now. I definitely learned my lesson though.

If the words and actions don’t match up, it’s not going to work. When we initially got back together, I made sure to put my intentions forward. I want to be with someone that I can love unconditionally, that will build a life with me and eventually tie the knot with. Someone that would feel and want the same at some point. Things were good but with the upcoming date of our break up the first time, a lot of emotions were stirring in me.

I needed to know that we were still on the same page. Apparently we weren’t and I had to end it because I didn’t want to be an afterthought. I wanted to be included in his future plans and to know that he did want us to be together in the future. But when you hear that the person you love only thinks of you as short-term, well, there’s not much you can do. And I refuse to accept that hurt just to continue a relationship that had no prospect of going anywhere. It was seriously difficult. To bring up the conversation, to have it, and to suffer silently until I got back to my car.

It’s better to have known sooner rather than later. It doesn’t change that he was my first love. I’ll always love him in some way, shape, or form. Don’t get me wrong though, I hate that I still love him. A while ago, he told me that I was lucky that we were still friends. I was pissed. I wasn’t the lucky one. I was the one with the broken heart. The one that fell in love and stupidly thought it was okay to because it was him. But him? He was fine and he was very wrong. I’m not the lucky one, he is.

He’s lucky to have had someone like me care about him so completely. Someone that supported him so in any and every single thing he did. Who was proud of his accomplishments, big and small. Someone that respected him and admired his ideas. Lucky to have someone like me fall in love with him and continue to wish him the best in life and hopes for his happiness even after it’s all said and done. He was lucky to have me in his life and he didn’t see that. He saw it the other way around even though I was the one left hurt.

I’m not perfect. I’m a bitchy person. I can be really introverted and stubborn. Sometimes I’m clueless and things just go over my head. I can have crazy random mood swings. And there are times when my depression and anxiety consume me. I’m in my head way too much, constantly overthinking things. I’m really scatterbrained and I have a ton of trust issues and fears that may or may not be rational. I’m an oddball. I’m just me, and me is… a lot. But, I’m a pretty great person. I was an awesome girlfriend and I am an amazing friend. I’m lucky to have the people I have in my life, and you know what? They’re lucky to have me too. I’m at the point where I refuse to waste my time and effort on people that don’t appreciate me for me.

Side note: I want to make it clear that I’m not hurt or angry, or anything anymore about my ex. I wrote this blog a while back when I was hurt and angry and a lot of other times. As with most of my blog post, they are written well beforehand so that I can stay consistent in posting weekly.

Child of Divorce

Some people are fortunate enough to not know what it’s like when your parents are divorced. And unfortunately there are people in the world that never shut the fuck up and listen when a child of divorce tries to explain their perspective. This is for those people.

As a child of divorce, growing up you can only base your opinion on what you see. In my case, it’s an absent father.

I wrote but my father before (read that here). I want to discuss how my culture plays a huge role in this. In the Asian community, it doesn’t matter what your parents do or don’t do, they’re still your parents and you basically owe them everything. It doesn’t matter if they treat you like shit, negligent you, or leave you emotionally fucked up. It doesn’t even matter if they’re the root of your depression and anxiety. They’re your parents and it’s expected of you (typically only the daughter) to take care of them for the rest of your life (sexism is a huge thing in Asian cultures).

So growing up, my dad wasn’t around and when he was for short periods of time, he usually passed me off to my stepmom. Her job was to keep me entertained for a few hours then return to wherever my dad was so he could drive me home. As a child, that’s what I knew. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just spend time with my dad but I got to spend time with my stepmom (who wasn’t officially my stepmom until I got to high school).

To me, my “dad” is nothing but a sperm donor. We don’t really have a relationship unless it’s me going to visit him and leaving feeling like shit about it. He always has an opinion on my life, especially how wrong I am for worrying about the things I do and the mentality I have. It annoys me to no end. Who are you to have an opinion on my character when you abandoned me to live a leisure life while my single mother and I struggled to build our life?

My culture tells me that because his sperm helped make me, I owe everything to him . That’s true of course, I wouldn’t be here without him but in no way does that mean I owe him anything. Especially when he’s contributed nothing but stress and insecurity to my life. Every single time I went to “hang out” with my father, I got a lecture that left me choked up and usually crying before I can even get into my car. I try so hard to remind myself that his opinions don’t matter but they still hurt and I have no idea why.

I hate, hate, fucking hate, when people say shit along the lines of, “but that’s your mom/dad.” Fucking AND??? Your relationship with your parent(s) is not the standard for everyone’s relationship with their parents. Just because you have a good relationship, doesn’t mean I do. I won’t make pretenses either. For a long time, I felt like it was my fault that my dad left. Do you understand what it’s like to be a child and to feel that burden when you don’t even understand it?

To go through so much of life feeling like you weren’t enough for your own fucking parent to stay with you and love you the way you see in the relationships around you? It’s something that’s buried so deep in me that it’s incredibly difficult to simply live life. It’s always there, in the back of my mind. No matter how happy or successful I feel, it’s there haunting me. If I wasn’t enough for this person that helped create me then how could I ever be enough for anyone, for anything? I still go through life believing that everything is too good to be true because I don’t deserve them.

I have people in my life that are so important to me, and every single fucking day, I wonder if they’re going to leave me. And it hurts. My god does it hurt. To be afraid all the time of being left behind again. To think that their lives would be better without me in it. So of course I do the only thing I can do, push them away first. At least it would be my decision, in my control.

I try so hard not to. I have amazing friends that don’t let me push them away. I’ll never truly understand why they don’t or even how grateful I am for them.

Understanding

A few months ago I wrote about communication and how important it is. Understanding goes hand in hand with communication and can make things very difficult when neither party is trying to understand the other.

Everything in life is based on perspective. How a person sees and thinks about the world and the circumstances they find themselves in whether it be positive or negative. You can never know nor can you truly ever comprehend what a person is going through. But, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try.

Communicating your thoughts and feelings can be difficult. Even more so when the person you’re speaking with refuses to open their eyes to try and see where you might be coming from. The biggest problem with understanding is that people assume. Assuming they know how you feel and how you think. Sometimes it’s based on similar situations and feelings they have felt, sometimes it’s utter bullshit. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through or how you felt about it. When it comes to another person, you know nothing. Things that worked for you may not for them. It’s okay to use your situation as an example to advise but don’t ever judge someone for how they choose to handle things in their life.

A very wise woman once told me that all we are is the sum of our actions. My interpretation is that you are made of your experiences. You can only do, say, and act based on the experiences you’ve had in your own life. Just because someone may find themselves in a similar situation that you’ve been in, it doesn’t mean that they’ve experienced the same things you have. How you live your life is different from literally everyone else. It doesn’t meant that your way is the right way and/or the only way.

The best thing you could ever do for someone confiding in you about anything, is to listen. There’s no way you could ever truly understand somebody but you should never stop trying to. That’s how you’re going to building long-lasting, meaningful relationships in life. Even knowing that you can’t truly understand, you care enough to try. People will see that, if they don’t, ask yourself if they’ve ever tried to understand you and your circumstances when you confide in them.

Dating Step 4: Comfy

Being comfortable in the relationship is important. So important that I’ve mentioned it in every dating step so far. It’s a lot easier said than done. Building the foundation of the relationship takes so much time and effort. Both parties need to constantly put in the work.

And just because you’re comfortable with each other, doesn’t mean that either of you should stop putting in the time and effort. You want to constantly move forward in life, separate but together. Have that trust in each other that both your feelings are still there and that you’re still down for each other even when life places a bunch of obstacles in front of you.

Make sure you’re getting through them together. Don’t stop trying to understand your significant other. There are moments where you or your partner will feel insecure. And that’s okay. It’s natural to not feel yourself all the time. Just make sure you’re communicating that. It’s not always easy. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. Honestly, I don’t think it’s ever easy to bring up and discuss your feelings. There’s never really a “right” time for it. My advice is to just do it sooner rather than later. Make sure your significant other is the first person you tell things to (we get iffy and will absolutely feel some type of way if we’re the second to know things).

The goal is to get to the point in your relationship where you don’t have to question everything all the time. Some things you just know for sure because you know your significant other that well. I think that’s one of the best feelings in the world. Being secure in your relationship. Definitely something every girl wants. Build that security for each other. Be each other strength. And don’t forget that in a relationship, it’s not always 50:50. Sometimes it’s 80:20 or some other ratio. It’s always give and take but there are many times where you need to give more and sometimes you need to take more. Don’t feel bad about that. Just make sure you’re not always doing more of one or the other.

I put a lot of emphasis on this, do not let anyone into your relationship. It’s fine to talk to your family/friends about things and ask for advice but whatever is in your relationship, is between you and your significant other. Your family/friends won’t forget about your temporary feelings of hurt or anger. It can really damage your relationship by letting others have an opinion on it. They’re not dating your significant other, you are. At the end of the day, you need to listen to you gut and make the best decision for you and your partner. But make sure you’re talking about things together and not just making the decision for you both.

“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’ – that’s intimacy.”

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Dating Step 3: Gettin’ Down and Dirty ;)

Totally kidding, unless you’re into that. I don’t judge.

If it wasn’t completely clear, we’re talking about sex here. With all the talking and dating, eventually it’s going to led to a physical relationship. Not always, but most of the time your relationship is going to advance to the sex aspect. This is a huge part of the intimacy (not the only piece though).

I discussed it previously but communication and comfort is vital, especially when it comes to sex. Make sure you’re comfortable enough in your relationship to discuss sex openly. It’s just another learning aspect of the relationship. You need to talk about what works, what doesn’t, what you like, what they like. Most people just jump into sex and sometimes that just works for them. Sexual chemistry is a huge thing (lol, I’m immature). But seriously, being sexually attracted to someone is important in the relationship.

But don’t get me wrong, sex isn’t always important to people but this post isn’t for those people. I’m definitely not one of them. I couldn’t imagine being with someone that I didn’t want to sleep with. I enjoy sex and I’m not afraid to admit it. So for me, sexual chemistry is right up there as a dealbreaker. And I absolutely need to feel comfortable with my partner. Some guys, don’t take constructive criticism well. Don’t be that guy. I repeat, do not be that guy.

I don’t care if you’ve had sex with dozens of people, what worked before might not always work. Be secure enough to talk about that stuff and change it up! Don’t be afraid to explore together. And more importantly, don’t be afraid to laugh together. Sex should be fun! Experiment and have fun while you’re doing it. Be comfortable enough with your partner to joke around about it afterwards or hell, even during. Don’t be scared that you’re doing something wrong, it’s all a part of learning about each other’s bodies.

I promise you (maybe not everyone) but we do think about the physical relationship and all that goes on. All the good, bad, and hella awkward parts. I always remember pausing to laugh at something or even to stopping in the middle of sex to watch something on the TV for a few and going right back down to business. I loved those moments. I remember them fondly and it always makes me think about my partner (not that I have one anymore, *sigh*).

And the absolute most important thing, do not compare. You might have many relationships and if you’re serious about the person, do not compare them to your experiences before. You’re with a new person. Take that time to learn and share a physical connection with someone that is solely with them. Never compare them to an ex.

Dating Step 2: Issa Dates!

The best conversations are done face to face so take her out on dates!

A lot of people think of dates as pricey but they don’t have to be. Go for a freaking walk, hang out at park, go swing on swings! Sky’s the limit with dates. Ask her out, frequently. Be spontaneous about it but also have dates that are well thought out and planned. Doing a variety of things together can be really fun and you get to create memories that she’ll absolutely smile about later on.

I know that I constantly see things and it’ll remind me of something I did with someone. It doesn’t always have to be romantic. I’ve probably said it a million times but it is so so important to have a good friendship in order to have a good romantic relationship. The best part about a romantic relationship and differs from a friendship is the intimacy.

The most important aspect of intimacy is comfort. Building a level of comfort with each other is so important in opening up to the the intimate aspects of your relationship. Obviously, you do this by communicating and what better way than to go on dates! You can learn so much about someone while on a date. Their reactions, pieces of their personality, how, what, and why they think the way they do. I love going out on dates with a significant other and with friends.

New experiences. That’s what I love about dates. There are so many things I want to do and learn about. For example, I love wolves. And I happened to learn about a wolf-dog sanctuary not too far away. I thought it’d make an awesome date so I planned it and took my significant other (now ex). I remember him telling me afterwards that it was a really cool experience and that he wouldn’t have thought about looking something like the up. I got to do something I really wanted to (which was petting a bunch of wolf-dogs) and I got to share a unique experience with the person I like. I loved that feelings. Exploring and discovering new things and sharing that with someone.

Just a little tangent to prove that dates are important. It helps you build a connection that will go a long way in building a good/happy relationship.