That One Friend

You ever just have that one friend you love dearly and enjoy spending time with but you just can’t ever really relax around them?

It’s not for lack of trying either. When you realize there’s some kind of distance between you after years of friendship, you try your absolute best to mend it but your friend just doesn’t reciprocate because the friendship is what it is to them. There’s only so much effort you can put into building a deeper friendship if the other person isn’t going to put in just as much.

I’ve noticed that I gradually start retreating emotionally when I come across those friends. It doesn’t change that we’re friends, but I just don’t want to talk about certain things with them because I know they’re just going to judge me for thinking or feeling the way I do. I hate that feeling. Having to hold myself back. I’ve spent most of my life holding myself back and I refuse to continue so I just stop putting in the effort and to just accept that the friendship is only going to get this far.

The friend means a lot to me. I’m grateful to know them and have them in my life. But there’s just no deepening that bond. I try and try and nothing. I know I can still talk to them about a lot of other things but when they decide you’re too fucked up to even try helping, there’s not a lot of desire to talk to them about serious things you’re feeling or thinking.

I don’t want to waste time and effort on people that won’t match my energy. Some people are worth constant effort, others prove time and time again that they’re not. Yes, I’m pretty fucked up emotionally and mentally because there’s a lot I haven’t dealt with. I have a lot of insecurities and problems that I need to keep working on. But I’ve lasted so long because of my amazing support system. Those friends truly care about me and despite anything in their life, they’d make time to talk to me if that’s what I need and of course, I reciprocate that. Those friends are more like family to me (let’s not forget that family doesn’t always mean a blood relation, it’s the people you meet in life that fill in the pieces of your heart and soul).

Then you have that one friend that doesn’t really fit into the family category but you have experienced a lot with them and you still enjoy spending time with them. They’re just a friend. Not just my friend, but a friend. I know that sounds confusing but bear with me and I’ll break it down.

There are friends in your life that are just yours and you’re theirs. You’re a constant in their life as they are in yours. That doesn’t mean you’re talking or together all the time. You’re just at the point in the friendship where you know that if you need them, they’re there and vice versa. You’ve built a strong friendship with them and you now have that security in them. There’s no questioning it. It just is. Everybody has a main friend or friend group that belongs to just each other. That doesn’t mean they don’t have other friends, but that friend/group are the ones that withstood time and have/will always be there for you.

Then you have those friends that aren’t yours just as much as you’re not theirs. There’s a level of comfort but not one that exceeds the surface shit. And not for lack of trying. You try and try to deepen the friendship but the other person just doesn’t hold the friendship in that high regard. You both exist in each other’s lives and you’re pretty good friends for the most part. BUT there are just some things you know and feel like you can’t discuss with them because they won’t try to help because they believe you’re far past the “help” they can give. They’re the ones that don’t really get introduced to your friend even if you’re very close.

There’s not really a point to this post. It’s just something I noticed and had on my mind for a while. I’m wondering if everyone has a friend like that. They’re close, but not that close. Having a friend that I’m not that close to at this point in my life is a strange feeling. They’re a friend that’s not family but they’re also not just an acquaintance. Holy fuck is relationships in life are difficult.