Dating Step 1: Talking

Let me help you get a girlfriend from a girl’s perspective! Not that I’m an expert or anything.

This is so so so fucking important. Conversation opens the doors for the possibility of a relationship.

From a girl’s perspective, there’s no such thing as too much conversation. When we’re first getting to know someone, we’re really getting an idea of how a relationship would work (at least I do). How much time, attention, and detail you’re going into is important. I know, talking shouldn’t seem so complicated. And it’s not. Honesty is everything. If you’re being asked a question, answer honestly. I’m not asking for my health (well, maybe my mental health because guys are just not great for your health), getting an answering shouldn’t feel like I have to pull teeth.

Do the best you can to communicate. Sometimes, it’s too early to divulge into certain topics and that’s okay. Just let her know that it’s not something you want to talk about right now. Talking gets easier the more you do it. You’ll feel more comfortable and find yourself wanting to talk more. Your goal is to be the first person she wants to tell things to. Become her best friend! Everybody knows a strong relationships is based on an even stronger friendship. You can only get there by gradually opening up.

Communication is where most people fail (me included). It’s difficult and sometimes you don’t realize how much you’re not saying because you’re so accustomed to it. Your secrets are your own. But if you really want to be with someone long-term, build a life with them, you have to build trust. And that comes from entrusting the deepest parts of your life to someone. It’s risky and fucking frightening but the payoff is worth it.

It’s important to remember that everybody has different dynamics and values. Talking is a universal dynamic that needs to be clear. It’s really setting the standard of communication moving forward into a relationship or wherever it is that you want.

Confused

So, a few weeks ago I ended my romantic relationship. At first, it felt like it was the right decision. And it still does, but it’s also very confusing.

Every day that went by, I couldn’t help think that I didn’t really want to date anymore. I love getting to know people but honestly, I hate dating. It’s so nerve-wracking and I’m already a hella nervous person.

I was talking to my oldest friend yesterday to get a male perspective and it helped so much. He’s very similar to my (now) ex in the way he communicates his feelings, which is he doesn’t really do it. It’s all about looking at their actions. I’ve always looked at actions for the truth but being the person I am, I also needed to hear it.

I’ll admit that I can be very annoying about feelings. I’ve come a long way in learning how to express mine through words and apparently, I forgot how long it took me to get to this point and that maybe some people aren’t there or even want to be there yet. So when I ask about feelings, I always want an immediate answer (because it’s seriously anxiety inducing to wait). BUT, it really wasn’t cool of me to do that. It takes a lot of time and thought to sort how your feelings, even more if your mind is just constantly jumbled with other things.

Anyways, my ex finally texted me and got everything off his chest. Which is awesome really. Really proud of him and appreciate that he took the time to do that and tell me about it even though he no longer had to. It made a huge difference and made me extremely confused. The way he said it seemed like he still wanted to be together but he’s not huge on choosing his words carefully. Where I analyze everything and choose my words wisely, he uses the ones that do enough to get his thoughts across but they’re not always clear.

Like seriously, I should just ask. But I’m tired of always asking about that stuff. I figured I’d just leave the ball in his court. I may have ended things, but it’s not like I wanted them to end. I think we have a strong relationship that needs a lot of work. I’m fine with us just being friends, I guess. There’s always going to be a part of me that will want him as more than a friend, but if he just wanted to be friends… I’m here for that. But if he wants more, he’s going to have to initiate that conversation. I have no idea what’s going on.

When I hung out with him post-relationship, it seemed like he kept trying to be close to me (at least physically). Me being the weak bitch that I am avoided him as much as I could. Made sure to not sit next to him, didn’t flirt, didn’t bend over when he stood behind me (don’t judge me, I’m a hoe like that), not stand too close, shit, i didn’t even make eye contact and I’m huge on eye contact. I was scared. When we’re together, it’s so easy to forget everything. I love being with him and being around him. It’s not like I can hide or forget that we have a unique connection. Our personalities just fit, if that makes sense. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve really felt it before.

It’s hard not to just bring it up. I’m very type A about most things. Like do you want to be in a relationship with me??? Do you just wanna be friends??? If I’m wondering, I’m looking for the answer or demanding it. Really bad habit. That’s how I’ve been going through life so it’s hard to change. I need to stop the chasing him and see if I’m worth chasing to him. I don’t really know what I want, being together or not that is. Okay, that’s a lie. I absolutely know but that’s another conversation for a different time.

Hope you guys enjoy my clutter fuck of a life so far. I promise you, I’m only getting more lost and confused as I get older.

The L Word

Scary. I know. I don’t think any is as irrational about it as I am. I’m only talking about in relationships here (and not with family).

I think most people say it too casually. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s truly how you feel, how often you say it doesn’t change the value. But I don’t think most people even know what love is anymore. Granted there are different types of love. Loving somebody, being loved by somebody, and being in love with somebody. Three different forms of love that could possibly break your heart a million times over. That’s why it’s so scary. To me anyways.

What I’m getting at is that they easily get caught up in the moment and the words just spill out. Maybe that’s truly how they feel. There’s no timeline for love. But I don’t think it should be taken as lightly as people typically do.

I love fiercely. The people in my life that I care about, they know I love them despite how mean or bitchy I am. Hopefully, none of them ever doubt it because I don’t let a lot of people in. I don’t tell them often but I should. I know I treasure being told. It’s nice to hear once in a while. Even if my response doesn’t exemplify that.

Growing up, it wasn’t something I heard often so it was just normal for me not to say it either. But now it’s difficult for me to say aloud to people. I can text it just fine but that’s obviously less personal. I was just thinking about how I constantly dodge it when I’m face-to-face with someone. I can’t say it without some kind of insult or I’ll just get really uncomfy about it.

I have a friend that tells me she loves me just to shut me up because she knows it makes me uncomfy but I also know she means it every time. I know that response should be that I also love her but that’s not typically what goes through my head. I find it incredulous every time. It’s the same feeling I get when someone actually wants to talk to or hang out with me. I’m generally a boring person. I could sit and stare at a wall for hours and be perfectly fine. It’s not something I do, I constantly have shit to do but I’m just saying, I could. And I could be entertained by it.

Anyways, it scares me. Saying it aloud I mean. You know that saying, “Speak it into existence”? Well, I’m afraid of that. What if I say it to someone only to realize I don’t feel it the way I should? Or I don’t feel that way but I want to? I will absolutely find a way to convince myself that I do even when deep down I know I don’t. It’s a terrible habit I have. Lying to myself to make myself feel better but the underlying anxiety still exists in the back of my back. I know I’m overthinking it.

When I’m with my boyfriend (and if you’re reading this, fucking stop here). There are times where I just want to blurt it out how I feel because in that moment, that’s all I can hear in my head. But I bite my tongue or say something else that implies it, like “You know how I feel about you.” And sure, he probably does because my actions typically show my feelings but it’s definitely something I should confirm or repudiate. I keep thinking there’s going to be a perfect moment where I’ll just know for sure, without any doubt. But honestly, I’m scared and won’t allow myself to say anything. Things could just end… again.

Valentine’s Day

It’s not until next week but I hope everyone that celebrates it has a good day. And for those that don’t really care, same.

I never really got the point of Valentine’s Day. I know that makes me sound like a hater but I promise I’m not. I love love. I love seeing people happy in their relationships and their happiness over things their significant other does/gets them for Valentine’s Day. Maybe I’m not huge on the “holiday” because I’m really low-key. Yeah, materials are nice but I don’t need them. I don’t want extravagant gestures. It just sounds expensive. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re lovely. It’s also fun to see.

To a point, I understand that need to do something special. Loving someone can really overwhelm you sometimes. You appreciate them, everything that they are. The way they care about/for you, their patience with you, the time and effort they give you. One thing you can never get back is time. So those moments spent with that person that makes your heart beat just a blip faster? Worth every second.

When you love someone so much, I get that you want to spoil them, make sure they’re taken care of every way possible. And maybe sometimes words aren’t enough to express that. I know the words get stuck in my throat all the time. Although saying it aloud scares the crap outta me because then it would be true (another post, for another time).

The point of this isn’t an anti-Valentine’s post. The point that I’m failing to get at is that you don’t need a special day to celebrate love. It’s an everyday thing and it doesn’t always have to be grand gestures. It’s in the smallest things. Like opening a bottle before handing it to you, even when you’re absolutely capable of doing it yourself. Or casually nudging you to the inside of the walkway. Please don’t always hold out hope for grand gesture or expensive materials. Look at everyday things. That’s where you really see love.

However you decide to spend Valentine’s Day, I hope you have an amazing time and never forget that you are loved. Maybe not always by the person you hoped for but there is love all around you.

Family

The saying goes that you should put your family above anything else. I agree, to a point.

Being blood-related means nothing to me. If I’m being honest, my family is pretty selfish, so fucking greedy, and seriously nothing but users (not drugs but people). They have no common sense and just pisses me off. They care more about image than anything. And in turn, they raise their children the same way. They’re vain and teach their kids the same thing. By no means am I perfect. Nowhere close but I do recognize that my beliefs and values are nowhere similar to my family’s and that puts us at a static sometimes. I’m very opinionated and I’m absolutely going to speak up when/if I disagree. It also doesn’t help that I’m Asian.

You see, in Asian culture, respect is everything. Even if your elders don’t deserve shit from you, you’re expected to give them respect simply because they’re older. I hate that. I always believed that you should be polite to everyone (even if they’re rude as hell). But respect? No. God no. You don’t deserve shit from me until you earn it. Nobody in this world is entitled to anything and that’s what a lot of people don’t understand.

My family likes to hold grudges. I did this for you [enter date here] so you should do this “little” thing for me. Usually, it has to do with lending money or doing “little” favors. And if you don’t? You get so much shit for it, especially behind your back. Me being who I am, I never saw the point in talking behind someone’s back. If I don’t like you, you’re going to know it. I’m not going to insult you or talk shit about you to other people. I don’t like you, therefore, you’re irrelevant in my life and I don’t give a shit what you say or do. It’s literally none of my concern. Unless of course, you’re doing something to me. At that point, I would absolutely make it known to you that I want nothing to do with you.

Perhaps it derives from being family. You love them (sometimes) but you don’t necessarily like them. Maybe there’s some kind of need to talk about people that are in your life even when you don’t want them to be. I just don’t see how talking shit about somewhere is going to benefit you in any way. No wait, venting about people does help. But venting isn’t talking shit. Venting is something being done to you and you need to talk about it. To me, it’s always a “let me tell you why this upsets me” kind of thing. Totally off topic as always.

What I’m getting at is your family isn’t always going to mean everything to you and that’s okay. It’s absolutely okay not to like your family or want to get away from them. As an individual, you have your own life to live. And you know what? Your family isn’t always the ones you’re blood-related to, sometimes they’re the friends you made along the way.

Communication

Communication is the key to any good relationship and I finally understand why it’s so damn difficult.

Let’s use me as an example. I love talking and can talk about almost anything and everything, except my feelings. It’s especially difficult trying to explain my feelings to people I really should be discussing them with.

The problem is, sometimes I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling so how exactly am I supposed to explain it to someone else? I will admit that sometimes when I’m trying to talk to someone about it, I kind of just figure it out as I talk. It’s all over the place of course but if you ever have a conversation with me, you’d know that’s not out of the norm. I love going on tangents and having dozens of different conversations at once (as very apparent in my writing).

Anyways! Sometimes it’s not as easy as figuring it out as I talk to someone. There are so many times that I’m feeling so many different things that it all kind of gets lost and tangled together. I feel like a lot of people can relate. There are also times where I know exactly how I’m feeling but I refuse to accept it. Or at least vocalize it.

Some feelings I’ll accept but won’t admit out loud. I think we’ve all done this. Especially when it comes to how and what we feel for other people. It gets pretty complicated if you also have a history with them. Doesn’t matter how short or how long. Your history with people just changes things. That’s kinda what’s happening with me now. I have a history with this person and it alters the how I think and feel about them. It also makes me hesitant in telling them how I feel.

Because for once, I do know what I’m feeling (and let me tell you, that is an awesome feeling in itself). But I’m not ready to say anything because I’m not really getting anything in return. I don’t mean in a physical, materialistic way. What I mean is, my words aren’t going to get reciprocated so is there really a point in saying anything? Sometimes, yes. There is a point. The point would be just to get what you’re feeling across without care of receiving a response. What I’m feeling right now absolutely requires a response. And let’s not forget, no response IS a response. It’s one that fucking hurts too. So I can’t really say I’m ready for whatever answer I receive.

Silence can be a killer in some situations. I’m afraid that I’ll just get hurt by verbally admitting my feelings. It sounds kinda stupid but my history with the person tells me I shouldn’t say anything and just leave it. Other times
I just wanna scream it. And I typically have to catch myself from blurting it out. I’m not sure which is the best decision here. I’m constantly battling with myself over it and it seriously sucks.

For now, I figure I’ll just leave things how they are and see if the answers I seek come out on their own. Fingers crossed.

Let You Down

This is going to be in reference to the song Let You Down by NF.

So I didn’t think I’d ever really want to write about songs just because everyone interprets them differently or take away something another person might not. But this song really hit home with my relationship with my father.

So I’ve mentioned having abandonment issues before, but what I haven’t mentioned was that it derived from my dad constantly leaving me throughout my childhood.

As a child, how your parents behave and interact with you sets the standards for how you treat everyone else in life. So many times, we don’t realize how much of our past effects our present and future. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not always the case but there are too many people that continue to let their environment impact their live choices.

Your environment absolutely influences you very heavily when you’re young but as you get older, you have to open your mind up to everything. Get the facts and decide, based on your beliefs and morals what is right and wrong.

End tangent.

Back to the subject matter, Let You Down really describes the relationship I have with my father. All my life, he tried to forget he had a kid by constantly going out and eventually leaving altogether. Going so far as to move to a different continent (and before you say it was probably for work, it wasn’t. My father hasn’t worked for over twelve years).

When I was younger, I didn’t understand and I cried. Then he came back only to leave again. The cycle just repeated over and over until he decided to to stay. But then he decided he didn’t really need to see me or talk to me. His fatherly duty is to maybe text on a holiday or if he forgot my birthday.

I tried my best to have a relationship. At least in high school. I tried to go to his house at least once a week (he only lives a few blocks away), and I’d try to call at least twice a week. As I got older and older, I finally saw how drained I was after each visit. Visiting him because dreadful, because every single visit left with me hating myself just a little more.

I’m not thin. I’m not smart enough. I don’t work hard. I don’t understand anything. I don’t make any sense. I have a hard head. I’m stubborn. I’m not listening. I’m not living the right way. I’m making all the complicated decisions. I’m worrying too much about financial aid. I’m stressed for no reason. Why is life hard for me? Why am I concerned about my mom? Why do I take on responsibilities like work when I should only ever focus on school? Why is school so hard for me? Why can’t I be like this or that?

It never ends. After each and every visit to my dad’s house, I leave crying and depressed. I don’t want to care about what he says and I shouldn’t. He didn’t play any part in raising me. He was never there or even around. He has no say in how I live my life. Yet it bothered me. His words did affect me. You probably know where this is going but I always feel like I’m letting him down.

But, I know I don’t owe him anything. He’s my father by blood but he was never a dad to me. He was someone I felt like an had an obligation to that never gave me anything but heartache in return. And that hurt. He’s supposed to be the one man in my life that I could absolutely trust and count on. I know there aren’t guarantees in life but your parents? The people that brought you into this world or the people that take on that role of raising and providing for you? You should be able to trust. You should know in your mind and especially your heart that no matter what happens, good or bad, they’re going to be there for you.

It sounds a lot like a myth to me. I don’t have a good relationships with my parents. I’ve tried so hard to meet their expectations and not once did they think to ask me how I felt or what I want. I’m luck enough to have parents and that’s something I would never take for granted. But I’m not a doll. I’m tired of trying to please them and I thought I stopped trying a long time ago. Sometimes I still catch myself trying. I’m lucky I have parents though. The problem is that they constantly make me feel like giving me life was the biggest and worst mistake they ever made.