Communication is the key to any good relationship and I finally understand why it’s so damn difficult.

Let’s use me as an example. I love talking and can talk about almost anything and everything, except my feelings. It’s especially difficult trying to explain my feelings to people I really should be discussing them with.

The problem is, sometimes I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling so how exactly am I supposed to explain it to someone else? I will admit that sometimes when I’m trying to talk to someone about it, I kind of just figure it out as I talk. It’s all over the place of course but if you ever have a conversation with me, you’d know that’s not out of the norm. I love going on tangents and having dozens of different conversations at once (as very apparent in my writing).

Anyways! Sometimes it’s not as easy as figuring it out as I talk to someone. There are so many times that I’m feeling so many different things that it all kind of gets lost and tangled together. I feel like a lot of people can relate. There are also times where I know exactly how I’m feeling but I refuse to accept it. Or at least vocalize it.

Some feelings I’ll accept but won’t admit out loud. I think we’ve all done this. Especially when it comes to how and what we feel for other people. It gets pretty complicated if you also have a history with them. Doesn’t matter how short or how long. Your history with people just changes things. That’s kinda what’s happening with me now. I have a history with this person and it alters the how I think and feel about them. It also makes me hesitant in telling them how I feel.

Because for once, I do know what I’m feeling (and let me tell you, that is an awesome feeling in itself). But I’m not ready to say anything because I’m not really getting anything in return. I don’t mean in a physical, materialistic way. What I mean is, my words aren’t going to get reciprocated so is there really a point in saying anything? Sometimes, yes. There is a point. The point would be just to get what you’re feeling across without care of receiving a response. What I’m feeling right now absolutely requires a response. And let’s not forget, no response IS a response. It’s one that fucking hurts too. So I can’t really say I’m ready for whatever answer I receive.

Silence can be a killer in some situations. I’m afraid that I’ll just get hurt by verbally admitting my feelings. It sounds kinda stupid but my history with the person tells me I shouldn’t say anything and just leave it. Other times
I just wanna scream it. And I typically have to catch myself from blurting it out. I’m not sure which is the best decision here. I’m constantly battling with myself over it and it seriously sucks.

For now, I figure I’ll just leave things how they are and see if the answers I seek come out on their own. Fingers crossed.

Let You Down

This is going to be in reference to the song Let You Down by NF.

So I didn’t think I’d ever really want to write about songs just because everyone interprets them differently or take away something another person might not. But this song really hit home with my relationship with my father.

So I’ve mentioned having abandonment issues before, but what I haven’t mentioned was that it derived from my dad constantly leaving me throughout my childhood.

As a child, how your parents behave and interact with you sets the standards for how you treat everyone else in life. So many times, we don’t realize how much of our past effects our present and future. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not always the case but there are too many people that continue to let their environment impact their live choices.

Your environment absolutely influences you very heavily when you’re young but as you get older, you have to open your mind up to everything. Get the facts and decide, based on your beliefs and morals what is right and wrong.

End tangent.

Back to the subject matter, Let You Down really describes the relationship I have with my father. All my life, he tried to forget he had a kid by constantly going out and eventually leaving altogether. Going so far as to move to a different continent (and before you say it was probably for work, it wasn’t. My father hasn’t worked for over twelve years).

When I was younger, I didn’t understand and I cried. Then he came back only to leave again. The cycle just repeated over and over until he decided to to stay. But then he decided he didn’t really need to see me or talk to me. His fatherly duty is to maybe text on a holiday or if he forgot my birthday.

I tried my best to have a relationship. At least in high school. I tried to go to his house at least once a week (he only lives a few blocks away), and I’d try to call at least twice a week. As I got older and older, I finally saw how drained I was after each visit. Visiting him because dreadful, because every single visit left with me hating myself just a little more.

I’m not thin. I’m not smart enough. I don’t work hard. I don’t understand anything. I don’t make any sense. I have a hard head. I’m stubborn. I’m not listening. I’m not living the right way. I’m making all the complicated decisions. I’m worrying too much about financial aid. I’m stressed for no reason. Why is life hard for me? Why am I concerned about my mom? Why do I take on responsibilities like work when I should only ever focus on school? Why is school so hard for me? Why can’t I be like this or that?

It never ends. After each and every visit to my dad’s house, I leave crying and depressed. I don’t want to care about what he says and I shouldn’t. He didn’t play any part in raising me. He was never there or even around. He has no say in how I live my life. Yet it bothered me. His words did affect me. You probably know where this is going but I always feel like I’m letting him down.

But, I know I don’t owe him anything. He’s my father by blood but he was never a dad to me. He was someone I felt like an had an obligation to that never gave me anything but heartache in return. And that hurt. He’s supposed to be the one man in my life that I could absolutely trust and count on. I know there aren’t guarantees in life but your parents? The people that brought you into this world or the people that take on that role of raising and providing for you? You should be able to trust. You should know in your mind and especially your heart that no matter what happens, good or bad, they’re going to be there for you.

It sounds a lot like a myth to me. I don’t have a good relationships with my parents. I’ve tried so hard to meet their expectations and not once did they think to ask me how I felt or what I want. I’m luck enough to have parents and that’s something I would never take for granted. But I’m not a doll. I’m tired of trying to please them and I thought I stopped trying a long time ago. Sometimes I still catch myself trying. I’m lucky I have parents though. The problem is that they constantly make me feel like giving me life was the biggest and worst mistake they ever made.

The One

Recently I was talking to one of my closest friends and she told me that I was now with my boyfriend to either break up again or to get married.

Honestly? That scared the shit out of me. I know the point of dating is to eventually settle down with someone. But when you’re younger, it’s not something you think about. Sure, you think that you love a person and you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them. But as you get older, you realize that life isn’t that easy. There are obstacles in your life that will always effect your relationship.

Sometimes you can get past things with your significant other and other times, you can’t.  There’s a high chance that wherever you are now, the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with isn’t even in your life anymore. That’s just the way it goes. Relationships come and go. When you’re young, you don’t really think about that. Every relationship in your life feels like it’ll last forever but that’s rarely ever the case. 

As you get older and understand more about the stresses of life, you somehow manage to date despite however hectic your life is. Even then, you’re not really thinking about marriage. All you’re really thinking about it is that it’s nice to have somebody there for you at the end of the night or just someone that you can talk to in a more intimate way. 

So when my friend pointed out that I was dating my boyfriend to either break up again or to get married, I freaked out a little bit. Why? Because I didn’t really want to think about that. I know I’m at the point in my life where I’m building my strongest relationships. But from being young and learning from my experiences, I know even these relationships may not last. And that’s okay. They hurt a little more than being young but you get through them all the same. 

One day I was talking to a long-time client of mine and we were talking about relationships. I told her what my close friend said, she replied that she didn’t really think about marriage when she was with her first husband. Odd, right? Considering she did end up marrying him for a period in time. She told me that she didn’t really think about marriage until the right person came along. And that right person for her was her second and current husband.

She told me that sometimes you make a mistake the first time around. That mistake is believing that the person you’re with is the one you’re going to settle for. She hadn’t thought about marriage with her first husband because she didn’t really want to marry him. It was just the progression of the relationship. They dated for a few years and marriage seemed to be the next step. That’s not the feelings you should have when it comes to marriage.

What I got from the conversation with my client and my friend is that it truly is worth the wait. You should marry someone you are actually excited to (hopefully) spend the rest of a long life with. Someone that makes you think about marriage with hopeful, dreamy eyes rather than an “it that makes sense” type of attitude. And you absolutely shouldn’t see married life being dreadful. You should look forward to all the ups and downs that come with being attached to someone (hopefully) for the rest of your life.

Maybe it’s sappy of me but I do think everyone has someone’s that their “one.” I mean, I don’t agree with it completely. I think you have the “one” and can many a different one later on in life. The one is someone that going to be what you need at the time and hell, maybe for the rest of your life. Sometimes you know who that is and sometimes you realize who it should be. But there’s no reason to rush things. Whatever happens, will happen. And the best thing you can do is to let it. The worse thing you could do is force it. 

I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t want to get my hopes up with anything. If my boyfriend is the one, I’ll know it eventually. Until then, I’m going to continue to put time and effort into building a strong relationship and let whatever happen when it’s supposed to. Time will tell when it’s the right time. 

To K,

A few months ago I decided to end a friendship that meant a lot to me. It was my best friend of seven years and it seriously fucking hurt. 

The reason I ended the friendship wasn’t because of anything big that happened. I talked about it a little bit in a previous post. It was the accumulation of little things that were shoved to the back of my mind in favor of having someone. Someone that was outside of my friend group that could be there for me when I’m trouble within my friend group. Anyways, this is something of a goodbye post to him.

To K,

Thank you for the many years of friendship. The way I ghosted you wasn’t cool in the slightest. I know I could’ve just talked to you upfront and tell you that I didn’t want to be in your life anymore or have you in mine. Maybe it was even cowardly of me to just cut out you like that but honestly? I’m not sorry for it. It might not have been the best way to end things but it was the healthiest for me to just let things go completely.

I made excuses for our friendship constantly. There were so many times that I couldn’t even believe we were still friends because of how set you are in your beliefs. I respect everyone and their beliefs but when you’re hurting someone, even believing that they deserve it… it’s not okay. 

It was never okay the way you treated women. It doesn’t matter if they don’t hold significance in your life. You don’t just use people, lead them on, fuck them, and treat them however you please. It explains the lack of relationships in your life. When you treat people like nothing, why would they want to stick around? They don’t owe you anything yet you acted as if they did. Only hitting them up when you were lonely and didn’t have someone else to talk to. You treated them like they were second rate and that wasn’t okay. Even after telling you that, you never cared about changing how you treated people.

That brings me to a major key in my decision to end things. You constantly wanted to date me yet never respected that I didn’t. Yes, I admit that I thought about it but I knew it wasn’t something I really wanted to explore. You fell in love in high school and I knew how much you loved her. How much love you’ll always have for her. Tell me why anyone would ever knowingly put themselves second to someone. You made me feel so shitty for not giving you a fair chance at a romantic relationship. Even admitting that you hoped my love life didn’t work out so you could have a shot. I said no. And no means no. I know you can be sexist but that’s something everyone should understand. NO MEANS NO. You don’t make someone feel shitty about their choice. It’s theirs to make, end of. It wasn’t cool of you to try and use my vulnerability to your advantage when I got my heart broken. 

Despite it all, I gave you unconditional love. I supported your every decision even if I didn’t like or agree with it. There were many times where I could feel your genuine care and interest in my life, it always seemed as if I had to work so hard for it. When I just needed a friend to listen to be vent or a shoulder to lean on, you almost never provided. Yet I always expected to jump anytime you said jump. I got criticism and was told my feelings were minor and unimportant. That hurt a lot.

I’m finished being hurt. I’m tired of having to repeat myself. I’m done making excuses for your words and your actions. And most of all, I’m tired of the lack of respect. And so, this is my goodbye. Thank you for the years we had, I truly hope you have an amazing life.

Tough Decisions in Friendships

Lately, I’ve been feeling lost and really unsure of myself. Something I hate feeling is helpless.

That’s exactly what I felt in two classes for my major. On top of stressing out and worrying about my future, I had a lot going one with the one relationship in my life I thought was solid. I should know by now that no relationship in life is ever really “solid.” Things can flip so quickly. I had been thinking about my friendship with my best friend for a while and often saw how one-sided things were.

He has his flaws, and I have mine. But we accepted them and ignored them like any friend would. I think all the little things built up regardless of that. We didn’t talk much about our flaws but it was whatever, right? Wrong. It was important. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so relieved that I don’t have to continue putting the effort and time into the friendship. We’re both very independent of each other so it made no sense that I felt smothered by him.

I have a lot of issues. Plenty that I’m working on. That was one of the huge differences between us. I saw my flaws and wanted to fix them. He saw his flaws and accept them. Which is absolutely his decision. But because he didn’t want to fix them, it forced me to just accept them as well. It was out of obligation? I’m not really sure. He’s been my best friend since high school and we had good times and bad times like any relationship. But I was getting really tired.

Always bending my wants and needs to satisfy his. I told myself that I hadn’t been a good friend to him because we hadn’t talked in a few days. I’m fairly introverted but outgoing when I need/want to be. Everyone in my life knows this about me, my best friend more so than anyone. I felt like I was a bad friend for not wanting to talk or be near anyone. But still, I would hang out and answer his calls because I felt like I had to, not because I wanted to. We have a long history, and this is an even longer story but it’s not really to share right now when I’m still so upset. I just wanted to give a glimpse as to how our friendship was. I’m sure he sacrificed a lot for me too, I’m not sure where or how. I’m not even interested in knowing anymore. Long story short, I needed to feel supported and loved, instead I received anger and inflexibility.

The tough decision lies in letting the friendship end. It hurts and makes me sad. But I’m relieved at the time same. Perhaps, I’m a shitty person for saying, that I’m relieved. I am though. I’m so incredibly tired of offering my best to someone who demanded more and not in the supportive, you can do this kind of way. The way that leaves you… drained.

My friends know that sometimes I need to be left alone. Nine times out of ten, I don’t have to give a reason until I’m good and ready to. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone if I don’t want to and I’ve always known that with the people in my life. Except for one. My “best friend” knew me. He knew how I could get and how I just needed to isolate myself sometimes. He just didn’t always respect it. He’d give me shit about not being a good friend for ignoring him or whatever the case may be. Me, being the person I am, would always feel bad and think he was right. I’m being selfish and not considerate of those around me.

I read something recently that discussed social exhaustion. It was a short explanation about people who are more exhausting to be other than others. Most of the time, the people that are socially exhausting don’t experience social exhaustion. Which is great. For them. I didn’t know social exhaustion was a thing. But it’s definitely a better phrase than constantly saying “I’m tired.” I swear it’s my go-to phrase because how else do I explain that I’m just not feeling up to socializing because it’s mentally and sometimes emotionally draining? Most people don’t understand that and it’s hard to try to explain further without wanting to just give up.

Ending the relationship I had with my “best friend” was tough for me. I hold my friends dearly because they’ve always been more like family to me. I also have a small circle so it’s hard for me to lose friendships. Still, I don’t think it was the wrong decision. I’ve felt a lot lighter.

What I’m getting it is that sometimes it’s good to reevaluate the relationships in your life. Really think about them and see if they’re more stressful than they’re worth. I know it’s hard to weigh against your friend but sometimes you have to. For your sake, you have to make the tough decision in continuing a relationship that drains you or to walk away. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or love them. It means that you respect yourself more than continuing to put your time and effort into a relationship where the other person isn’t. You better more than that.

Do you know what it’s like to…

… not trust anyone?

To go through life questioning everyone’s motives. Not setting yourself up to be disappointed because, in the past, everyone you trusted turned their back on you when you really needed them. Didn’t matter how often you were there for them or how much you cared for them. It doesn’t mean a damn thing. The sad truth is that we’re all just human.

Anyone would start to question why they put so much trust in others. Even when you know you’re going to end up hurt. You continue to open yourself to others. Continue to find the good in people. Then when it’s not there, you make it up and convince yourself that it’s the truth.

… struggle emotionally?

Seeing all the happiness around you and being irritated because you don’t understand. Experiencing only negativity and darkness that you can’t see the light even if it shines in front of you. Feeling so angry inside, not understanding why when all you want is to be happy. To deny yourself any feeling because you know it’s only temporary. Constantly telling yourself that “it’s okay” just to make it through the day without breaking down. Wanting to give up every step down the path you chose for yourself in life. Not seeing a reason to continue with the lies but it’s all you know so you keep going through the motions, hoping to someday understand.

… feel alone?

Being surrounded by people you call friends and family yet none seem to care there’s a barrier between you and them. Never bringing down that barrier because you know what the other side holds. You see how fake they are to each other. Claiming love and trust yet so ready to push a knife when you turn your back. From behind the glass, you see it all and you can’t risk your heart for it anymore. You stand alone. Not letting others in and not allowing yourself to need others.

It starts to feel cold eventually. That feeling of self-isolation catches up with you, you question if it was the right decision. What do you do then? You tell yourself, just one more time. Just one more time you’re going to open your heart to those people. Allow them to see you. Only to end up looking up at them after they step on your back to get where they want to be.

Do you know what it’s like to feel like there’s a neverending storm brewing inside of you, tearing you up bit by bit until you feel like you just can’t take anymore and just break…

(I wrote this when I was in high school and was pretty damn angry at the world)



Bad Habits

I have many bad habits. The biggest and worst habit I have is holding all my emotions inside and staying quiet when I should be doing the exact opposite.

I’ve stated multiple times on my blog that I’m pretty bad at expressing my feelings yet most of my blog has been about my feelings. It’s true that it’s just easier to text or write out when you think no one is reading or if you don’t really know who’s reading. I’ve always found that telling your thoughts and feelings to strangers is a lot easier than telling them to those you care about.

Why is that? Shouldn’t it be easier? These are the people in your life that love and care about you. But the truth of the matter is, it’s because they love and care about you. You care very much about what they’ll think of you and there’s nothing really wrong with that. It’s natural to feel that way. Quite often it’s just the little voice of self-doubt telling you this. Telling you (perhaps subconsciously), that your family/friends will think differently of you. The harsh reality is that once you confide in someone, it can change their opinion of you.

Sometimes for the better, but it’s the chance of it changing in a negative way that prevents us from truly opening up. But how do you expect to build your relationship with someone if you don’t trust that they’ll still be there after you’ve said whatever it is you needed to say? It’s easier said than done of course.

I’ve noticed that the people I want to be closer with, the less vocal I am about my thoughts and opinions. And then it becomes one of the reasons they’re no longer in my life. Yet, I’m incessantly oversharing with people I likely won’t see again or have just an acquaint relationship with. Weird how that works, huh? I hate it. When I meet someone I’d like to be closer with, my first thought is that they couldn’t handle me when I’m full on me. If that makes sense.

It’s dose by dose and slowly increasing how myself I am around people. Is that fake of me to do? I don’t feel like it is. I’m not trying to portray someone or something I’m not. I think of it as not letting this new person see every side of me until they’ve proved that they can handle. Like when dating my first love (I can’t think of a clever way to put that, so hush). Anyways, when I was dating him, I let some shit slip that was too much for so early in the relationship and it surprised me when he just listened and was still there afterwards. It made me say a lot more and made me forget that it’s still really early in the relationship. I gave up too much, too fast ya know?

While no relationship has a timetable for when things should and shouldn’t happen, I felt like we became too much too soon because it was just easy to. He accepted everything I said and did so easily that I forgot that good things take time. Not that the relationship was a bad time. Moral of the little tangent, I shouldn’t have revel all sides of me so soon. But at the same time, I feel like I didn’t revel enough. Like how bossy and opinionated I am.

Questions like what do you want to eat, where do you want to go, what do you want to do? Questions that seem like your significant other doesn’t have an answer for, I always did. Yet I never told him because it was easier to go along with what he wanted considering I wanted to appeal to him. That was stupid.

I mean, I’m that way with my friends too. I’d rather be considerate of what they’d prefer because I’m easy to please. I can eat whatever, I can go or not go anywhere, and I can do anything or nothing. However, with my group of friends, if they can’t decide, I will. If my friends give me full reign, I take it happily. But I was scared to do that with the guy I was dating. Hindsight is 20/20 though. I should have gone with my gut.

It’s a bad habit, what can I say? You should always trust your gut. My problem is that sometimes I don’t realize soon enough what my gut is saying. Don’t have my bad habit. Don’t be afraid to say whatever it is you want to say. Don’t be afraid to scare people off by oversharing. They people that matter, the ones that truly want you in their life won’t just go away. Especially when it comes to sharing your feelings. And absolutely do not regret anything you’ve said or done. At the time, it’s what you wanted.

Also, sorry not sorry that this post was all over the place. Welcome to my mind.