Just a Crush

Have you ever had crush on someone but don’t want it to go any further?

You like the person, but you don’t necessarily want to date them. They’re fun to talk to and flirt with but the idea of getting serious with them doesn’t cross your mind. I have a crush I wouldn’t date seriously.

I find him attractive enough but it’s the conversations we have that I enjoy the most. He makes the day less boring and by the time I leave, I’m in a much better mood then whatever crap I had to put up with during my shift.

I used to think crushes had to mean more and probably led to more. However, the current state of our relationship is perfect. We flirt and banter if neither of us are busy then go our separate ways. I like that there’s no expectation of more on either of us. I think he does too. I think we’d be great friends if we ever took the friendship out of the work place. Although, that has an appeal of its own.

It’s like having friends and work friends. At work, you’re cool and content hanging out with people you get along with but the friendship doesn’t run deeper. The kind of friendships you look back on and think, “oh, good times” but it’s not heartbreaking to be away or out of touch with them. Completely different then that friends that I talk to on a daily basis. I find the need to text them and see if they’re okay whereas my work friends, well I don’t even have their numbers.

Back to the whole crush thing. I don’t know if the crush is mutual but it feels nice not having to overthink something. We’re work friends and I happen to crush on him but I don’t need to worry about ulterior motives. I don’t need or want anything from him. His conversation is give or take. I enjoy them and on some days, the lack of conversation doesn’t both me. If I actually dated the guy, I would want constant conversation and would probably need the constant reassurance that I’m the only person he’s with.

So it feels good not having to worry about that. Not analyzing every little thing or caring too deeply. It’s a meaningless crush. I didn’t think those existed until now.

Dating Your Best Friend

Is it a good idea?

I always thought that if you started off as friends instead of just jumping into the dating territory, the relationship would be better. So when there’s a mutual attraction, should you act on it?

I don’t have an answer. It’s a question I constantly find myself going back and forth to. It is a good idea, it isn’t a good idea. I just don’t know.

My best friend and I have had a mutual attraction that we’ve openly discussed since we became friends back in 2011. Our friendship is very open in general, which I love. You should be able to talk about anything with your boyfriend, right? I still don’t know if dating your best friend is a good idea. Sure, you can talk about anything but isn’t it because they’re your best friend? You often tell your best friend things you wouldn’t want to tell your significant other. That’s what distinguishes them, isn’t it?

Not to mention it could so easily ruin your friendship. Even if you both know agree you could continue to be friends if things don’t work out. In most cases, I wouldn’t think that was true. But I do think my best friend and I could still be friends if things didn’t work out. What scares me is that it would definitely change our friendship. I don’t know if it would change for the better or the worse.

My theory is that because we’ve been friends so for long, we’ve grown to know each other pretty well. That adds to the initial attraction and makes me question whether or not I have romantic feelings for him. Sure, he’s the first person I’d tell most things but it’s not a huge deal to me if we’re not hanging out all the time or if we haven’t all that much in the week. I think we have the attraction down but not the chemistry. I also don’t think I could fully invest myself in a relationship with him. That wouldn’t be fair. He constantly reminds me that we never really gave it shot and that he’d be happy to. Sometimes it feels like I should just give it a chance. What could it hurt? If we don’t get in too deep, we can both decide to end it and at least say we have it a fair chance. There’s plenty of what ifs though.

I think we could date and it’d be fine but it’s all be temporary. But it would be because I couldn’t really fall in love with him so I’d never get hurt. Which is a good thing but it seems like a settling thing.

The whole point of a relationship is an end goal, right? To see if you could spend the rest of your life happily beside the person you’re with? Of course it’s something that develops over time unless it’s that love at first sight kind of thing. (Stay tuned, I’ll have a post about that too!)

I can see him in the rest of my life but I can’t see him at the end of the altar. I want to keep him by my side in a different way. So would dating him change that? I’m not sure. It’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

Betrayal

I always thought it was funny how people would say, “The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.”

What’s funny is that your enemies couldn’t betray you. They’re your enemies for a reason. It’s the people closest to you that you generally trust with your secrets. So needless to say, they’re the only ones that could hurt you so personally. So why do people say that? Isn’t it kind of obvious that betrayal isn’t going to come from someone you don’t trust? You expect your enemies to harm you or be indifferent but never your friends. So maybe that’s why that saying exist.

I trust my friends almost completely. But I think it’s self-preservation to never fully trust someone. It’s good to be skeptical. Good to question everything. It’s not like we live in a world where everyone has good motives or morals.

Trust is such a fragile thing. It takes forever to build and only seconds to break. And like anything, once it’s broken, it’s never the same. I hate that feeling. Thus far, I’ve trusted many people. It was the right decisions for a handful but there have been so many I wrongfully trusted. And the thing about betrayal is that it never really feels like betrayal in the beginning. It just hurts, a lot. I think that after the hurt, there’s just a lot of anger then confusion. Betrayal comes much, much later. After everything’s been said and done, once you’ve finally stepped back and start moving on. That’s when the hurt of betrayal hits you.

I had a best friend once. She was like a sister I never had. I truly though we’d be friends until we were old and gray. Then one day, she decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore. That she was just done with me. I trusted her with everything that made me who I am. She was my go-to for everything and it crushed me when she said what she had to say. I don’t even know what happen and while there’s no bad blood between us, I’ll still never understand what happened.

There was something she said to me that still makes me question my relationships. She said, “You’re so stubborn that you would not understand how I feel and don’t tell me you know how I feel because you fucking don’t. I should’ve never listened to your output on my breakup because you can’t even handle a relationship yourself.” (Yes, I had the conversation saved because I’m a glutton for punishment).

For so long, I thought she was right. I never thought of myself as stubborn but I guess that’s what a stubborn person would say. This happened in high school, about three years ago. I’m still not sure if she’s right but I do know that no matter what relationship I’m involved in, what she said stays in the back of my mind. Is she right? About me not being able to handle a relationship? All the relationships I’ve been in never seemed to work out. Was it my fault?

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what a good relationship entails. And despite being so young still, I’m not sure I’ll ever know what a good relationship is. I know, I’m way too young to be so cynical.

Back to the moral of this sidebar. I felt betrayed and I felt like I betrayed her too. I’ll never really know or understand what happened but I know that feeling will never leave me nor will I forgive myself. What I do know is that I trusted this person with everything that made me vulnerable and she turned those words against me when it suited her. It definitely changed the way I trusted all my friends. For a long time, I kept all the important stuff in because I didn’t want to hurt the same ever again. Hell, I didn’t even want to use the term best friend anymore. It felt like a jinx. Like if I had best friend, they’d somehow betrayal me or leave me too. It’s silly, I know. I recently got over that but the fear remains.

I’ve always told my friends that I’d support them even if I didn’t like their decision. I think I’ve done a good job at keeping my word. How I see it is that at the end of the day, it’s their life and I just want them to be happy. So, if my (ex) best friend is happier without me in her life, than I’m happy for her. Even if it hurts like hell. Besides, I know we’ll it’s never be the same if we ever mended our friendship.

Betrayal is a fickle feeling like many in life. It hurts to be betrayed but it shouldn’t stop you from letting people in. It’s a risk to let people in but that’s what life is all about. We take risk and hope like hell it was worth it. I hope the risks you all take are always worth it. And if not, learn from it but don’t let it shut you down.

Dear Tiny Terror,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!

I just want to take this moment to thank you for being in my life. Throughout the years, you have given me such a different perspective on things. You have such a creative mind and I’m always amazed by the art you produce. I hope one day you see how talented you truly are.

I know it’s been a tough year for you. It’s unfair that it’s always the best people that get the short end of the stick. I hope you always remember how appreciative and grateful I am for you. You’re an incredible person despite your negative mind and sometimes morbid thoughts (that are freaking hilarious). Not to mention how (scary) good your timing is with most things. I’m convinced you’re psychic. I’ll keep this short since I tend to ramble. I hope you had an amazing birthday and please continue being patient for your present.

And lastly, thank you. For all your jokes, your kindness, your shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively), for caring, for always being there. Just thank you for being you.

Roaring Twenties? More like Boring Twenties

Last night, I had the chance to hookup with a friend I had benefits with before I started dating. However, I couldn’t go through with it. He moved in to kiss me and my instinct was the dodge it, so I turned my head. It happened again so I dodged it again. I couldn’t really explain why it felt wrong but it did. Eventually, I decided to just go home.

I’ve kissed him plenty before so what was the big deal? When kissing is done right, I could go for hours without getting bored. But it was different this time.

When I left, I realized the guy I recently dated hadn’t really left my mind. He wanted to stay friends so we still talk here and there on Snapchat. His constant presence through social media made me hesitant. Two of my best friends had even advised me not to be friends with him. Maybe because then I’d be holding out hope that things will eventually work in my favor. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Staying friends in hope that he changes his mind and will want a relationship with me. Definitely not something I should do or have ever done. It someone I knew was in the same predicament, I’d tell them to cut their losses and move on.But I can’t see myself cutting him off. So what exactly should I do?

My lingering thoughts of him made me feel like hooking up was wrong. It made no sense. He’s the one that called things off. I’m single and shouldn’t feel guilty yet I did. I should be carefree and have the emotional freedom to do as I please.

Your twenties are all about having fun. Being single, going to parties, hooking up, the time for you to make crazy memories with your friends. The ones you’ll look back at one day and think, “Wow, that was a crazy night!”

I would love to be that person. The one that goes out to parties every weekend, stay up and out late, have a string of hookups. Maybe go clubbing or bar hopping, meet hordes of new people and befriend them. You know, have an exciting and adventurous life.

Sadly, I’m more of a bookworm that would rather stay in, watch a movie or read a book, and cuddle with my pup.

Do guys like the boring girls? Because I’m definitely boring. Not that having a boyfriend/girlfriend is vital factor in life. But I can’t deny that having someone to share experiences with would be nice.

And sure, I’m not always so boring. I like parties here and there but after two or three hours, I’m ready for the excitement to end. It’s the nights spent with close friends just hanging out somewhere or even parking in an empty lot, just talking or enjoying the silence together that I’ll never get weary of.

Don’t be mistaken though, I’m always up for an adventure. As long as it’s not going to kill me, get me arrested or severely injured, I’m down for anything.

I’ve always been the type to be more introvert than extroverted. Except there will be occasions where I feel the need to go out and socialize. While I enjoy my alone time, my biggest fear is loneliness. I think it’s important to have a healthy balance of both, especially in your twenties when life starts getting more exciting. Some nights, you should party it up and others should be spent in, relaxing. There’s nothing more important than enjoying your own company but it’s vital to also enjoy the company of others.

We weren’t born to be alone forever. Why do you think there’s so many people on this planet? I’ll tell you why. It’s so we can leave our mark on as many people as possible and allow them to do the same. Life should be shared and celebrated with the best people possible. So cheers to a life full of fun, serenity, and happiness!

Bad Luck in the Dating Game

Dating is a lot more difficult than I thought it’d be.

I thought my biggest concern would have been on how I would meet someone to date. I never really anticipated the anxiety that came with dating. Probably because I never really opened myself up to dating until recently. So I decided to try my luck at Tinder. A friend of my actually met her present boyfriend through Tinder. I hoped I could find someone too. Once I joined, I quickly realized it was all about hook ups and being friends with benefit (fwb). I wasn’t sure what exactly I was looking for but I knew I didn’t want to hook up with some stranger.

The first guy I considered dating wasn’t exactly interested in a relationship. We matched on Tinder and because friends that texted for a while but I never met him in person regardless of going to the same school. One night we were texting while my friends and I were together. I decided to invite him over and that began our short fwb relationship (feel free to judge). I was bored and he made things a bit less boring. It was different then my regular routine of school, work, and friends. It didn’t last long and we’re still friends so that’s a plus.

The second guy was someone new.  From the start, I knew I couldn’t trust him. You see, he added me on Snapchat but I doubt he was honest about how he got my username. I know I put it on Tinder but why couldn’t he just admit that? There was no other way he could have gotten my user otherwise. We dated for about a month. It was fine but the lack of trust was always there. There was also the factor of him being really immature. It was always about him and what he wanted. Adding that to the fact that I wasn’t very interested after a few days, I decided to continue dating him anyways. Why? Simply because I was curious as to where it would lead. I know, I’m a terrible person. Anyways, his feelings ran a lot deeper than mine and I think he sensed that because he constantly tried to appeal to my empathy. I probably would have dated him longer if he wasn’t so narcissistic. The thing is that he wasn’t very attractive nor did he have any personality traits that would help me overlook all his cockiness. Long story short, I ended it and am much happier without him in my life.

But then something unexpected happened. We’ll just stick with the pattern and call him the third guy. So the third guy coincidentally messaged me a day after I ended things with the second guy. I thought maybe he was the player type but figured it’d be nice to have someone to talk to. I’d at least gain a friend, right? We started talking every day. They weren’t long, deep conversations just a here and there kind of thing but surprisingly, I started to like this guy. We met, played some pool, and hang out one night. After we parted way, he called me that night and asked me out on a date. Of course I said yes. The date was nice, movies then sitting in the car just talking for a while. Fast forward a few weeks and we’re still dating, getting to know each other and all that jazz. I thought things were moving really slow but still good. Turns out I was wrong because he suddenly hit me with “Thing aren’t working.”

It made me pause. After a beat, what could I say but “Okay.” I was so confused because it had completely blindsided me. We had made plans to hang out in a couple days. Because our schedules didn’t mesh well, I took off work and was excited to see him and spend more time with him. I don’t know if his intention was to lead me on but I feel like I was lead on. It stung. Here was a guy I actually wanted to date. I liked him enough but I knew I could never fall in love with him or anything. I wanted that relationship to work out. Instead we left things off with him needing to think but wanting to stay friends and me single yet again. Which is totally fine. I happen to like being single but it does get lonely.

Life isn’t fair and dating isn’t easy. You could meet a guy and be completely into him. Feel the chemistry and everything but at the end of the day, if he’s not feeling the same, that relationship isn’t going anywhere. I can’t say I’m heartbroken but I am sad that things ended before they really had chance at beginning. With the chain of bad luck in dating, I’m starting to think maybe I’m meant to be single. I’m young with plenty of time to meet someone but with no prospects I’m interested in, I’m convinced it means being forever alone. Well, at least it’ll save me from heartache.

A Best Friend

What does it mean to have a best friend?

Isn’t someone you’ve known for the longest or have everything in common with. Sometimes it’s the person that is the exact opposite of you. But despite that, the two of you can sit and talk about everything and anything. The best is when time and distance means nothing. Even if you haven’t talked in a while because you’re too busy with life or whatever, none of that matters. When you get the chance, you can talk for hours without running out of topics and there’s no lingering awkwardness.

Even in a group, there is always the two that are closer. That doesn’t mean you can’t have more than one best friend. In a group, there’s always going to be someone who knows something about you another person might not. Life often gets in the way. So it shouldn’t matter who knows what first. Don’t let jealousy cloud your thoughts and effect your friendship.  The most important thing in any relationships is trust and communication.

Sadly, there are those best friends that have moved on and decided they didn’t want you in their life. The history is always going to be there. Don’t let one decision dictate what the friendship was and wan’t. Try not to be bitter toward those past best friends. They did what was best for them and didn’t mean to hurt you. It was an unavoidable decision. Wish them the best and cherish all the memories you shared.

I’m not sure still be here without the friends in my life. They’re such incredible people and I’m lucky to have them in my life. I always thought I was fine on my own. Growing up as an only child was lonely. It didn’t help that I always felt like the black sheep in my family. There was a time in my childhood where most of my family didn’t even like me. I was bullied because as an only child, they thought I was spoiled and that made them envious. But what they didn’t see was how alone I was. I was never really good at making friends (I’m still not), so I was constantly playing alone or was bullied for being by myself. It wasn’t until I got older that I truly understood the value of friendship. I’m actually still learning because I’m always shocked to learn how I could mean something to someone and how deeply I can care for them as well.

S trust that your best friend(s) is/are your best for a reason. Also, remember that it’s the quality, not the quantity that matter most.