Taking a Chance

So recently I took a chance on a guy despite telling myself that I was just going to focus on myself and my education. Dating felt like such a waste of time because the guys I talked to or met seemed to only really care about sex or wanted to play games.

I was really tired of it. The guys I’ve dated have been disappointing and didn’t seem to have the vaguest idea of what they wanted to do with their life. Sure, I’m only twenty but I do have some kind of idea of where I would like to be, some goals I’d like to reach. These guys were fine with working at their jobs, going home to play video games, and living with their parents forever. If that’s what makes you happy, great. But I’d like a guy with ambition.

There’s something seriously attractive about a guy that knows what he wants and does everything he can to achieve that. Even if the guy doesn’t know what he wants, at least he’s working on himself you know? The guys I dated basically thought they were God’s gifts to women and that they were perfect the way they are. The arrogance was annoying. Especially when they were such assholes. Like no, of course my needs don’t matter, please tell me more about you and how great you are. They were the kind of guys that wanted someone to be there for them and assure them of their greatness. I am absolutely not that type of person. I’m going to tell you how it is. I’m opinionated and they couldn’t handle that so they made me feel inadequate. I’m glad those “relationships” ended before they really began. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m lacking in some way.

I felt so stupid after each of those short term whatever they were. I wanted things to work out because I didn’t want to be single anymore. It didn’t take me long to realize that I enjoy being single and how stress-free it is. I told myself that I wasn’t going to date anymore. Not until I met someone that actually wanted a partner, not a posse. I didn’t have much hope.

Then comes this guy. Cliché right? I met him online and didn’t have high hopes because of the guys before. But this guy… We basically texted for a bit one day then nothing for a month. I hadn’t even thought of him because, well, the short conversation wasn’t anything but a casual, how’s your day going type of thing. It wasn’t until I was sitting in a meeting, bored and was deleting some old messages that I came across a number I didn’t recognize. I was about to open it and see who it was when he texted me. It was such a coincidence. We laughed about it and from that day on, we texted everyday. Before I knew it, a month went by and he asked me out. I thought it was way too soon. I didn’t realize how long we had been talking. Not that a month is all that long. In that moment is did though.

If I’m being honest, I typically stop talking to guys pretty quickly but I get bored of them. With this guy, I looked forward to talking to him. The conversations were interesting and I genuinely enjoyed texting him. So when he asked me out the first time, I was anxious because it was too soon. A few days later, I realized that we have been talking for awhile and I’m an idiot. I was seriously hoping he’d ask me out again.

Eventually he did and we went out. First dates are nerve wracking, I was also going to be meeting him for the first time in person. Safe to say I was a bundle of nerves. I got there first and was distracting myself by talking to my girls. When he finally got there, he had to change his flat. I was debating whether or not I should “help.” I’m useless when it comes to changing tires, I know, I suck. Anyways, my first thought was to at least keep him company. I asked my best friend and he said that if it were him, he’d want me to stay in my car because it was cold and raining out. I ignored him of course and went to keep the guy company.

It sucked that his car got a flat but I think it worked out well. He was okay, which was most concerning to me. After reassuring me that he was, we got to talking. We didn’t immediately have the pressures of a first date. In a way, we got to hang out a bit and it was really nice. I didn’t really care that it was cold and raining, I knew instantly that I made the right choice of standing out there with him. For me, the cold and rain is kind of important. You see, I have a terrible immune system. I get sick at the drop of a hat and I stay sick for a long time, it can get pretty bad (it has to do with being bedridden for three months because of my injury, in case you were curious).

Eventually he got the stuck screw loose and finished changing his tire. We went inside and had a nice dinner. I did end up getting sick (no surprise). It sucked because when I’m sick, my body is a lot weaker, I’m already kind of weak, and I kind of need strength to control my knee functions. I actively have to focus on walking or I’ll fall and seriously mess up my knee, which has gone through more enough. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but if you knew me personally you’d know it was a huge deal. So, I hobbled around for a few days and thankfully with the help of some DayQuil, I was better.

The date was absolutely worth it. We had a second date a few nights ago and I’m stilling grinning about it. Needless to say, I like the guy. I’m doing my best not to overthink everything and kind of just go with the flow. I do have to admit that I’m scared of things ending before they begin just like the past experiences. But I’m going to do what I always do. Hope like hell things work out but I won’t hold any expectations. Going with the flow is lot easier said than done though.

The moral of this little spiel is that I took a chance on this guy and so far, I’m pretty damn glad I did. I didn’t think I could after everything I’ve been through with the opposite sex but here I am. Taking a chance on him and hoping things turn out okay.

Wish me luck!

Dear Goober,

HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!

I want to thank you for being in my life and for giving me the chance to get to know you better. I always wanted to write you a letter like I did with at least once for everyone in our group but I never know what to say.

I also want to add how amazed I am with your artwork. I’m always surprised by what you come up with. Well, except for the one time I went on your computer and what was open was an animated, moving penis that you recently made. That was interesting. I think it’s awesome that you want to make games and I hope you eventually get around to that. You procrastinate too much. Bad Goober.

AND thank you for always giving me such blunt advice. I know you think you’re socially inept sometimes but I think you’ve grown a lot from your high school days. You don’t seem extremely shy anymore, especially when you’re out with everyone. You’re improving your social skills constantly and I don’t think you realize that. You have to realize how fun you are to be around. Sure, you don’t talk a ton but it seems like you always know just what to say and when to say it. Whether it be a comment that makes everyone laugh or when I’m in need of honest advice. You’re really good at that. Giving people unbiased advice.

I hope you continue to improve your social skills and that you eventually get to making a game or a gaming company. I feel like you could do great things even if it’s behind the scenes. You’re so intelligent, if only you’d stop procrastinating… Well, who am I to speak? I’m right there with you.

Anyways. I hope you have an awesome birthday and thank you for being in my life with amazing person you!

Sometimes…

Have you ever gotten that feeling where you just click with someone?

You meet them and you’re suddenly thinking, “Wow, where have you been all my life?”

I have that feeling often with my friends. I’m so grateful for them. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Those people have truly inspired me to be better. They’ve pushed my understanding of the world and challenged me to think differently. I doubt they even know that. (I’m not exactly the most forthcoming with feelings, though I am getting better)

I always thought that there is never going to be a person in the world that understands you and what you’re going through in life. I still believe that and probably will until I die. BUT, just because people can never really understand, doesn’t mean that they don’t care.

Throughout life, you meet many people but not all become good friends. The friends I’ve made so far are amazing people. It’s during those quiet nights where we’re parked somewhere or even just sitting around doing absolutely nothing that I feel really appreciative for the people around me.  It’s the times when you’re together, even playing on your phone or something that really mean something. It’s in those moments that I don’t feel so alone.

Sometimes, I’m in awe that I can call those people my friends. They’re the kind of friends that listen without judgment, give unbiased answers, the ones that try their best to understand. And if they can’t, they do their best to comfort you. Offer you their shoulder to lean on, their hand to hold when you’re scared, the ones that will hug you when you need one but will always respect you personal and know when to leave you alone.

Sometimes, specifically when thoughts lean toward the negatives, it’s hard to remember those people. Difficult to reach out despite them holding their hand out for you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to ask for help. Whether it be physical, mental, or emotional help, it’s not easy. But those people, those amazing people I’ve been telling you about? Sometimes they have a way of knowing just what to say or just what to do to kick you out of the slump you’re in.

The most important sometimes, is sometimes allowing people in. That’s the most challenging. Giving people that chance to get to know you. Allowing them to earn your trust. Letting them care about you and in turn, caring about them. It can be extremely difficult, but it become an invaluable friendship.

Sometimes, people surprise you. Some truly care about what you want, what inspires you, who you aspire to be. Sometimes you get lucky and befriend the most amazing people that you can’t imagine your life without and even if you could, you don’t want to. Those people that are always ready to stand by you and support you even through your dumbest decisions. The ones that with laugh with you and teach you to laugh at yourself from time to time. Sometimes, when you feel that connection with people, you have to find the courage to open up and put your best foot forward.

It’ll be worth it.

Cousin

My one cousin and I have never been close despite being only two years apart in age.

I used to be so afraid of her because she bullied me when we were younger and there was nothing I could ever do about it. She was older, prettier, skinner, she could do no wrong. Not when she used to slap me to wake me up, or make fun at me for always staying at the babysitter, not even when she push downstairs. Of course she doesn’t remember any of it now. She’s incredulous that even happened especially since I can be such a bitch to her every now and then.

What she still doesn’t understand is that when it comes to me, she is extremely selfish. She never considers my thoughts or feelings about anything yet always expects me to be there for her. There is no respect for my life when it comes to something she needs/wants. Anytime she’s sick or injured, I’m there asking if she’s okay or I’m physically there taking care of her. There were times when I was busy with important school or work stuff and I had to literally drop everything to be by her side because she didn’t want to be alone. So often, I just wanted to ask her if she knew how long I was alone. How often I’m still so alone. Yet she begs with no care whatsoever.

There was one summer she had alcohol poisoning, something she could have prevented. Well I was working to save up money for school. I was starting college and I needed the job because I would be paying for school myself. I didn’t want to take out tons of loans because I knew I’d have to pay them back with interest later on. Well, she got alcohol poisoning and was in the hospital. She didn’t want to be in the hospital alone while she slept. Why? I have no idea. She literally just slept. But I had to quit my job and drive back and forth for days to take care of her. Why? Because my aunt asked and my cousin asked me to stay. How could I say no, right?

Once she was better, I didn’t hear from her. Of course she felt nothing about me having to quit my job to stay by her side. It didn’t matter that I had to start school without money for books. Nothing I did mattered as long I was there for here when she needed me to be. There were a few other times she absolutely needed me for something. She needed me to bring her food, she needed me to do this, needed me to go with her here or there, there was a lot of times she needed me because she didn’t want to be alone. She never had shame in asking me for anything. Yet, when I got injured, she visited once when my entire family came to see me then never again. Oh but it’s fine, she sent me cookies…

Three months of being in pain, being bedridden, of realizing how my life is going to change because of my injury, not once was she there for me. But even when I was injured and was supposed to be focusing on myself, the second she calls me crying, I felt guilty that I can’t be there for her. She called saying she had a fight with her mom and I’m stuck laying on a couch, literally in pain every time I breathed and I still had to be there and help solve her problems. Hell, I’m so conditioned to be there for her that I felt like utter shit that I couldn’t get in my car and drive to her. Never mind that I could even walk by myself. So through the phone and the text I had to mediate for her and her mom who she wasn’t getting along with lately. Eventually things worked out.

Bt never did my cousin consider me. Never she did she really ask and care about how I was doing or how I was feeling. There was and there is always an excused with her.

All my life, I have literally asked her for two things. The first time was that I needed her to buy me something and she left it in her car and she was down the shore. Never mind that I had already given her the money for it.

The second was that I needed a dentist appointment. You see, she’s a dental assistant and she works at a place that apparently take takes my insurance. Well, she never got back to me.

These are the only two things I’ve asked her for throughout our life and they both only happened this year.

While I love the girl, I realized how one sided our relationship is. Anytime she needs me, I’m supposed to jump to be there. Anytime I need her? Well, is not a good time, sorry. So I learned to never ask her for anything and never expect her to be considerate of me. I’ve accepted that. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I can’t say no when she tells me she needs my help. I can’t just leave her when she asks me to stay with her. I can’t yell or get mad at her because it’s not like she’d understand or even try to. So often I wonder if she even cares about me or loves me. I’m not sure she know how to feel anything towards me except probably annoyance because I can be bitch a lot of the time. I may be a bitch but at least I care and show that I do. I’ll never stop wondering if she really gives a damn about me or not. My heart says not but I feel like with family, there has to be some kind of love that exist… right?

Dear Devil’s Mistress,

First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you have the absolute best day possible because you deserve nothing less.

Now I want to thank you for being in my life and I want to thank your mom and dad for creating you because I’m so grateful that you’re alive.

When we met during orientation, I had no idea we would be where we are. I also thought you were kind of a bitch because you didn’t really express emotion. Then again, you were a complete stranger discussing plans with Melissa. Ahh, the memories.

I could never thank you enough for always being there for me. You’ve helped so much by just listening and offering advice where you can. What amazes me so much is how you’re always there despite everything going on in your life. Even when things get hectic, you’re always ready to lend an ear.

I think you’re truly an amazing person that will play a hand in changing the world. You’re so talented and intelligent. You could probably do anything if you put your mind to it and I’m not just saying that. I also want to add that you’re so beautiful. Inside and out. Whatever size, shape, or form you’re in, whatever emotional condition.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You probably won’t believe me and that’s fine. I hope you one day see how beautiful and truly amazing you are. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’re going through, and anything you’ll face in the future, know that I will always gladly lend you a hand, a shoulder, or whatever it is you need. You have kept me grounded and you’ve given new perspectives to look from. I can’t thank you enough but I can certainly try.

I promise to always support you and be there for you. I don’t say it often or to too many people but you’ll always be part of the family that I get to choose in life. And I couldn’t have asked for a better person. So thank you. You are seriously one of the kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. May nothing ever tarnish your caring heart or your kind soul.

Wherever life may take us in the future, I hope to be lucky enough to have you in my life and to be in yours until we’re old and gray.

Also, please hurry up and have babies so I can love and spoil them! ALSO, thank you for loving my puppy as much as I do.

Just a Crush

Have you ever had crush on someone but don’t want it to go any further?

You like the person, but you don’t necessarily want to date them. They’re fun to talk to and flirt with but the idea of getting serious with them doesn’t cross your mind. I have a crush I wouldn’t date seriously.

I find him attractive enough but it’s the conversations we have that I enjoy the most. He makes the day less boring and by the time I leave, I’m in a much better mood then whatever crap I had to put up with during my shift.

I used to think crushes had to mean more and probably led to more. However, the current state of our relationship is perfect. We flirt and banter if neither of us are busy then go our separate ways. I like that there’s no expectation of more on either of us. I think he does too. I think we’d be great friends if we ever took the friendship out of the work place. Although, that has an appeal of its own.

It’s like having friends and work friends. At work, you’re cool and content hanging out with people you get along with but the friendship doesn’t run deeper. The kind of friendships you look back on and think, “oh, good times” but it’s not heartbreaking to be away or out of touch with them. Completely different then that friends that I talk to on a daily basis. I find the need to text them and see if they’re okay whereas my work friends, well I don’t even have their numbers.

Back to the whole crush thing. I don’t know if the crush is mutual but it feels nice not having to overthink something. We’re work friends and I happen to crush on him but I don’t need to worry about ulterior motives. I don’t need or want anything from him. His conversation is give or take. I enjoy them and on some days, the lack of conversation doesn’t both me. If I actually dated the guy, I would want constant conversation and would probably need the constant reassurance that I’m the only person he’s with.

So it feels good not having to worry about that. Not analyzing every little thing or caring too deeply. It’s a meaningless crush. I didn’t think those existed until now.

Dating Your Best Friend

Is it a good idea?

I always thought that if you started off as friends instead of just jumping into the dating territory, the relationship would be better. So when there’s a mutual attraction, should you act on it?

I don’t have an answer. It’s a question I constantly find myself going back and forth to. It is a good idea, it isn’t a good idea. I just don’t know.

My best friend and I have had a mutual attraction that we’ve openly discussed since we became friends back in 2011. Our friendship is very open in general, which I love. You should be able to talk about anything with your boyfriend, right? I still don’t know if dating your best friend is a good idea. Sure, you can talk about anything but isn’t it because they’re your best friend? You often tell your best friend things you wouldn’t want to tell your significant other. That’s what distinguishes them, isn’t it?

Not to mention it could so easily ruin your friendship. Even if you both know agree you could continue to be friends if things don’t work out. In most cases, I wouldn’t think that was true. But I do think my best friend and I could still be friends if things didn’t work out. What scares me is that it would definitely change our friendship. I don’t know if it would change for the better or the worse.

My theory is that because we’ve been friends so for long, we’ve grown to know each other pretty well. That adds to the initial attraction and makes me question whether or not I have romantic feelings for him. Sure, he’s the first person I’d tell most things but it’s not a huge deal to me if we’re not hanging out all the time or if we haven’t all that much in the week. I think we have the attraction down but not the chemistry. I also don’t think I could fully invest myself in a relationship with him. That wouldn’t be fair. He constantly reminds me that we never really gave it shot and that he’d be happy to. Sometimes it feels like I should just give it a chance. What could it hurt? If we don’t get in too deep, we can both decide to end it and at least say we have it a fair chance. There’s plenty of what ifs though.

I think we could date and it’d be fine but it’s all be temporary. But it would be because I couldn’t really fall in love with him so I’d never get hurt. Which is a good thing but it seems like a settling thing.

The whole point of a relationship is an end goal, right? To see if you could spend the rest of your life happily beside the person you’re with? Of course it’s something that develops over time unless it’s that love at first sight kind of thing. (Stay tuned, I’ll have a post about that too!)

I can see him in the rest of my life but I can’t see him at the end of the altar. I want to keep him by my side in a different way. So would dating him change that? I’m not sure. It’s a risk I’m not willing to take.