Is extremely fucking hard. And draining. And like a billion other things so don’t ever, ever be down on yourself for it.
I’m a bit of a hypocrite here. I’m really hard on myself about school. I’m not academically inclined and I know that. I have to work smarter and harder than most because I simply don’t understand. I just had a class where I was completely lost and you know what? It’s a core class for my major. So I sat there thinking to myself, how the hell am I going to make a career out of this if I don’t even understand the basics? But it’s way too late to switch my major and as difficult as it is, there’s a seriously rewarding feeling when I do finally figure it out.
One of the most challenging aspects for me is asking for help. I know I need help but I don’t really know how to ask and I hate it. I spend hours trying to form the right questions and end up with nothing. It’s incredibly frustrating. I love to learn but school just isn’t for me. But I stick it out because I tell myself that if I just apply myself more, work even harder, that I’ll eventually get it. I think that’s true for the most part. I’ll understand eventually. But that eventually leaves me behind my peers far too often.
Not everyone learns and retains information the same way. I have to physically do things over and over and over. I can’t just read about it and apply like. I envy those people. The ones that are just good at school you know? The ones that don’t need to work very hard for that 100 or A in the class. I struggle just to get a C or 70.
I know I’m supposed to do everything at my own pace but I’m paying for school (well, taking out loans). It’s costing me to work at my own pace and my school has a rule that you can only take a class 3 times and if you still can’t pass, you have to transfer out. That’s an insane amount of pressure. I’m literally on my last chance in 2 classes and one I’m understanding so much more but the other… not so much.
I keep trying to understand and I just don’t. I don’t know how to get that answer and I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. Then as soon as I do understand something, it’s changed and I’m back at square one. I hate it and I hate school.
I hate that my intelligence is measured but what I remember for a test. I hate that GPAs exist. I hate that I’m defined by it when I’m looking for internships/jobs.
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Albert Einstein said that. He was an incredibly intelligent man and he hit the nail on its head. I’m trying so hard and most days, I hate that I’m not enough to be good enough. School is difficult and I hate it yet here I am. Almost every day doing my fucking best trying to be enough to be good enough.
I don’t think I’m the only one. So this is props to the people that are doing their fucking best to be good enough. To at least meet the bare minimum to be seen in the world of academia as a serious student. It’s a struggle and school isn’t for everyone. But we’re doing our best, I think we deserve some credit for enduring.