Hello everyone. Few months ago, I wrote a blog about a “friend” who was dealt a hard blow in life. She experienced raped and had to witness the death of the only love of her life. You didn’t think that was the end of the story, did you? She told me that having an abortion was her decision. Yes, it was not her decision to be raped but at the same time, she made the decision to abort the pregnancy. Looking back, although God probably had a plan for the kid, she’s glad that she aborted the pregnancy. She said that a mother’s love is one of the most important things in the life of the child. If she had taken the decision to keep the baby, she would have hated the child and would have hated herself because the child would always remind her of the incident. After aborting the child, she was mentally and emotionally depressed, and was disappointed and ashamed of her body. It was like her world came crashing down. Although aborting the child was her decision, at the same time, she was a victim. It took the death of the love of her life to realize how to deal with the situation. She realized that she needs to forgive the guy and also forgive herself. I was shocked. I said “You just lost the love of your life and you wanted to forgive the person who raped you? If he didn’t rape you, maybe you wouldn’t have gone through all the craps you went through and your man might not have been dead.” She smiled. She said that first of all, the guy never even asked for forgiveness. So it was even more difficult to forgive. But she realized that the purpose of forgiving the guy isn’t meant to make the guy feel better, it’s to make herself feel better. If she had not been trying so hard to forget what happened, maybe her lover might not have died. People who are hurt won’t know when they hurt others, even when they are only trying to show love. She said that it was hard and it took a long time but she took the decision to forgive the man because she prioritizes her peace of mind over anything else. She had been through so much hurt by others and by herself and the only person left to love her is her. She had no one else to support her. She not only decided to forgive him, but also to forgive herself for aborting the child. She said that she realized that abortion means she destroyed a life but she had to forgive herself and stop putting herself through so much headache and heartache. She said that her past hunted her so much that she had no choice but to forgive her rapist and herself at the same time. The pain of her being raped and having abortion was nothing compared to losing her man. After forgiving her rapist and herself, she told herself to stop fighting against herself by trying to forget. She told me that she started to understand that there will be moments when the flashbacks would come and she would tell herself that it’s okay to have the flashbacks. The world is not going to end and no one is going to die. She accepted it as part of her past and she realizes that she can never go back to change the past. Her understanding of “forgive and forget” used to be that she would pray to God for forgiveness while she tries to forget. She said that this believe was wrong for her. She should not have gone with that believe. She asked me that how do I expect God to love me if I don’t love myself? In the same way, how do I expect God to forgive her if she doesn’t forgive herself. In addition to the years she wasted by trying to forget what happened, she said that it took years to forgive her rapist and herself but she did. After that, she started to find peace within herself by loving herself. She said that there’s no way she could love herself or anyone in the right way if she never forgave herself. She tried to love but it wasn’t right. Hate and love don’t mix well together. After that, she began her redemption phase, where she found something to be passionate about and decided to make up for lost times. Her confidence started to grow as she did. She went back home with her 2 kids. She went back to school at the age of 50. She’s now a professor. She said that all these stuffs sounds easy but they were not easy at the time. It was like her world was fading away but it all started when she made that conscious decision to not let her past define her. Life is a step by step journey and she said that at one point, she almost gave up on her redemption journey because she just couldn’t see the big picture and she felt like it’s not working and it’s pointless. But day by day, step by step, she got there. She told me that there are things she can’t control. Sometimes, she would see or hear things that would make her remember the incident or randomly remember the incident. She would always smile and tell herself that it’s okay. She learned to finally face her demons, instead of running away from them, and make peace with them. She said it wasn’t easy at first but then again, she can’t always control what she sees or hear, so when she remembers her past, she would be grateful for her life because now, she is appreciative of every little thing that life gives her. Sometimes, when she’s very uncomfortable about a part she remembered, she tries to talk about it to a loved one that would always be there to listen to her. She said that she has already made peace with herself, so keeping those uncomfortable remembrances to herself is like poisoning her minds again. Not being appreciative enough and being too focused on her past cost her the life of someone she loves. She’s not going to let that happen again, especially since she’s a mother. All the love and focus she gave her man but wasn’t enough, she would give it to his kids. I guess every movie really do have a good ending. It’s all about the perspective from which you see it. Danke, Stranger.
You see, people like you amuse me. You go around thinking that you are above, and better than, everyone and acting like your authority can’t be questioned. You think that a great leader is someone who is better than everyone else. But you are ignorant enough to ignore the fact that a great leader is someone who makes everyone else around him better. As much as I would love to insult you right now, I would not do that. Because doing that would mean that I am stooping low to your level of immaturity. I am very sure this isn’t who you used to be. You were a vibrant young kid who wanted to do something great in the world. You were so eager to go into the world and make a difference. You wanted things to be easy for you and your loved ones and you wanted to be the one to make that difference. What changed? Who hurt you? Because somehow, someway, you have missed it. Do you think that vibrant little kid will be happy with who you are right now? Would your parent be happy with the person you become? Would the God you worship be happy with His creation? Why don’t you look in the mirror and be 100% honest with yourself. Why don’t we talk about the hard truth? That you are a very insecure person with egotistical issue who thinks he can always get things to go his way. I don’t know who hurt you at one point in time that made you think you can get revenge on the world. Judging by our time together, you have disappointed me and more importantly, you have disappointed yourself. I don’t want to believe that is who you really are though. I want to believe that there is a good in you. However, what goes around comes around. Funny thing about life is that whatever you give out, it always seem to come back in bigger ways. So for your sake, I am going to hope. I hope you find your peace. I hope you get on your knees and forgive yourself. I hope your loved ones don’t betray you when you need them the most. I hope the people in positions above you don’t use their powers to destroy you simply because of things that you can’t control. And most importantly, I hope you become a better person that this world needs and not the type that brings tears to his loved ones. I hope it makes you happy that you made me sad. Congratulations!! Again, I won’t insult you. However, karma is something I can’t control and I am sure that life will do its thing.
Greetings from my beloved ex,
Dark times. Those are the times when nothing makes sense anymore. The times when you just can’t help but ask why it’s all happening to you. The times when it feels like the walls are caving in on you. These are the times when it feels lonely. And don’t you just hate the fact that no one really truly feel what you feel inside? However, these are the times when we have to dig deep in order to find something to hold on to, in order not to lose who we are. It’s never easy, but whatever we hold on to is what will keep us afloat during the test of time. What if we all feel empty inside? If so, we should all be able to support each other even if we don’t fully understand the feelings, right?. We can be there for each other. No matter the troubles or the problems, we can support each other through it all. Thorns, storms, whatever it is , we can be there for each other.
But in order to save someone else, I have to save myself. Unfortunately, they don’t understand. So am just going to be alone and alienate myself from the world and just hope. Hope, as time passes and the tears roll down my cheeks. These are my dark times, my dark moments, my dark thoughts, my dark flaws. But will I let these times define me? No. I will rise. I will fight. And I will conquer. It’s never too late but you have to give all you have from this moment. With focus and determination, you should pick yourself up, dust yourself up, lace yourself up, and strive for the top. And no, don’t give up until the day you are able to say with full pride and happiness……. I made it
After she was raped and she aborted the resulting pregnancy, she went through bouts of depression. She said her life changed from that incident. She said that the biggest mistake she made was that she was trying to forget the situation. You know the phrase forgive and forget? She said that the phrase is bullshit and she still doesn’t support that phrase. She said that trying to forget a trauma is like fighting against oneself. Because the point of a trauma is that it is forever registered in the brain and mind. For so many years, she tried to fight it because she believed that she was strong enough to fight it. However, the incidents hunted her. She never wanted to remember what happened. So she started looking for distractions. She got into smoking and drinking, thinking that would help to erase the memory or numb the pain away, atleast for a while. While she was at that, she found the love of her life. She loved him so much and he loved her with everything he had. Because she was always in the need for distractions, she decided to drop out of school and run away from home with the guy, despite her family not approving of the guy. She made this change, hoping for a new beginning and a new life. She told me that it’s not possible for a person to give what they don’t have. She said that she haboured hate toward her rapist for a long time. She had hate in her heart and at the same time, she was trying to love this new guy. That’s not possible. She believed that she was doing everything within her capabilities to love the guy, thinking everything was okay. However, she never took time to ask the guy if she was showing him enough love. Even though they told each other how much they loved each other very often, the man felt like he was never doing enough to make her happy and to distract her. She needed so much distraction everytime that the guy took the responsibility upon himself to find distractions for her, thereby, making her happy. She appreciated him but never appreciated him to the point where she fully loved the man as the man would have wanted. The man never complained though. Although she hated someone else, it affected her relationship with people around her. The woman made me realize that anger and fear are controlled by the same part of the brain. She told me that the bigger the fear that someone has, the more the person gets angry very easily. She said that if I ever see someone that gets angry easily, I should ask the person what their fear is. Weird right? Anyway, so much focus was on trying to get her healed that no one noticed the man’s deteriorating health. He had leukaemia, which he fought when he was a teenager and as a result, thought was never coming back. He thought the battle was over when he was young, but it wasn’t. She thought that being raped and having abortion would be the end of her life. But it turns out that losing the only person she ever loved to death was the worst period of her life. She could have killed herself but she already had two kids for the man so no one would take care of them. She was in a strange land with no relatives or anyone to help her.
“Everybody wants to change the world but no one knows where to start” That quote has been ringing in my ears but I can’t point a finger to where the source is. Maybe you can help me to find that out. Anyway, there was a time in my life when I worked with kids (fortunately and unfortunately). I asked them what they would love to be when they grow up. Their eyes lit up after I asked. They were all so excited to answer the question. Some of them wanted to be a super-hero. You know, like spider-man and batman and superman. One even told me that he wants to be a President. While I wasn’t totally surprised by the answers I got, considering that they are kids and they are innocent, their attitude was interesting to me. At first, I was optimistic about the fact that these kids are excited to make a difference in one way or the other. But then I came to the sad realization that life is going to hit them one day. Reality will soon dawn upon them and all of them won’t be as enthusiastic about the future as they are now. For some, the future that they are excited about won’t be as exciting anymore. A change will happen to them in one way or the other and the same future that they are currently optimistic about would become their greatest fear. So here is my question for you, the reader. What changed you, that somehow affected your dreams? What happened to you that made your dreams less special? Why are you now going with the motion? I believe a life that’s not lived is a wasted life. We are all on this planet to make a difference in one way or the other. We all have a common purpose of loving each other and helping to make the world a better place for one another. We can all change the world. A person who travels the world to help the sick people in the less developed countries isn’t more or less of a saint than the person who is devoted to empowering a small community. And that person also isn’t more or less of a saint to the person who is concerned with saving animal habitats. What about the person that gave few minutes of her time to listen and be there for an individual that’s depressed and might possibly commit suicide? All these people are changing the world in their own little ways. Same way, we can all change the world if we are devoted to loving the people around us in the best way that we know how to. You don’t need to be the President or a member of the United Nations to make a change. Instead of looking for the light, I dare you to be the light. The world is an adventure, so why live it by being stuck in a boring place? The best way to truly have a fulfilled life is by making a good difference in at least one way. Explore the world. Dream big. While doing that, never forget to love with all your heart. Yeah, I know people are assholes but it pays off in the end. Mainly because a person that loves with the heart doesn’t need to be paid back to be happy. The happiness resides in the fact that the person loves to love.
Xie Xie, Stranger
Either we admit it or not, there’s a particular thing that we all desire. Something that we run to when life happens. I call it the escape. Well, this might come in form of a lover or a thing or a place, but we all have it. If you don’t think you have one, you are wrong. You have one; you just haven’t found it yet. This escape is like the happy place. Something that makes a person feel alive. That makes you feel like you are finally living. It is what makes a person feel like he or she is flying without leaving the ground. When the test of time comes along, the escape is what people normally think of in order to escape reality for a second or minute or hours. No matter how long they spend with this safe haven, there is an assurance that their pain would be numbed for that period of time. Good right? No, it’s not always good. There are bad escapes too. For many people who are highly established in their bad escapes, they will do anything to get to their escapes no matter the pain they have to get through. A man who became an alcoholic in order to forget his pain of losing his job and his unborn child. Who dares to tell him to break-up with his newly found friend? A boy who starts writing in order to numb the pain of being an orphan has an escape. So is a woman who turned to drugs in order to numb the pain of being raped at a young age. The same thing with an individual who turns to religion because he or she just can’t make sense of the complexities of life. What about the girl who just can’t seem to get the incompatibility with her boyfriend? Because what he makes her feel is unlike what anyone can ever make her feel? All these people have escapes that help them to get through their pains. All these pains are different in their own ways. However, it would be disrespectful to say that one pain is more than the other. Sidenote: We do that so often in today’s society. We like to compare things so much that we have started comparing our struggles too. Maybe one person’s struggle might out-struggle the other person’s struggle (No, I don’t think out-struggle is a word). Anyway, you never know what the person sitting next to you might have gone through or might be going through or will go through. People are the way they are for a reason. That old man might be right anyway. He said that there are no good or bad people; only miserable and joyful people exist. Some people are able to manage their pains better than others. Why? Is it because they are better people? Is it because they are good looking? Maybe it is because they are smart? Or it might be because they have more people around them as a support? Is it because they have money? No. It’s because of none of the above. People who are lucky enough to manage their pains better than others only do so because their escapes serve them well. If people only manage pains because of money, looks, brain or the amount of people they know, then famous celebrities wouldn’t commit suicide so often, would they? If you don’t have an escape, find it. It might be the difference between living and dying while one is alive.
What have I done?
Why am I so selfish? I have finally allowed my pride to govern my judgement. For years, I blamed my dad for leaving and for breaking a heart he never created. I used to question myself on why he did the things that he did. Now, my worst nightmare is coming true. Because now, I am the one breaking a heart I never created. I guess I am truly my father’s son afterall. I have become the one thing I despised. And that hurts more than anything. Or maybe I just never loved her enough. I am a mess. A poor mess that never deserved a beautiful soul. A beautiful soul that has become a beautiful mess because of me. She loved me with all her heart. She wanted to build a future with me. She wanted to grow with me. She said that she would do anything to keep me happy. But I was only leading her on with my pretty words. I only loved her because she has a beautiful face. My loss. It sucks to know that the smiles I used to give her have turned to tears. The memories I made with her have turned into cries. I hope she finds the strength to move on and live her life because she truly deserves better.
I used to blame the society too. I would blame the society for all the pressures placed on guys while guys are expected to suffer in silence and “be a man”. I am not sure I know how to “be a man”. I must have skipped that class and the class about emotional intelligence in school as well. Not taking anything away from the huge pressure placed on women too, by the way. But I would blame the society for expecting guys to be rich by a certain age (like 27) while girls are only expected to be beautiful enough for marriage. I blamed everyone around me except me. I became so comfortable in my relationship that I gave my ego a chance. Looking back, she really made me happier than I had ever been. With her, I had the world on my shoulders. And then I dropped it. I gave peace the chance to destroy my strength. I found defeat in victory. My loss. Damn!!!