Dear Goober,

HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!

I want to thank you for being in my life and for giving me the chance to get to know you better. I always wanted to write you a letter like I did with at least once for everyone in our group but I never know what to say.

I also want to add how amazed I am with your artwork. I’m always surprised by what you come up with. Well, except for the one time I went on your computer and what was open was an animated, moving penis that you recently made. That was interesting. I think it’s awesome that you want to make games and I hope you eventually get around to that. You procrastinate too much. Bad Goober.

AND thank you for always giving me such blunt advice. I know you think you’re socially inept sometimes but I think you’ve grown a lot from your high school days. You don’t seem extremely shy anymore, especially when you’re out with everyone. You’re improving your social skills constantly and I don’t think you realize that. You have to realize how fun you are to be around. Sure, you don’t talk a ton but it seems like you always know just what to say and when to say it. Whether it be a comment that makes everyone laugh or when I’m in need of honest advice. You’re really good at that. Giving people unbiased advice.

I hope you continue to improve your social skills and that you eventually get to making a game or a gaming company. I feel like you could do great things even if it’s behind the scenes. You’re so intelligent, if only you’d stop procrastinating… Well, who am I to speak? I’m right there with you.

Anyways. I hope you have an awesome birthday and thank you for being in my life with amazing person you!

Sometimes…

Have you ever gotten that feeling where you just click with someone?

You meet them and you’re suddenly thinking, “Wow, where have you been all my life?”

I have that feeling often with my friends. I’m so grateful for them. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Those people have truly inspired me to be better. They’ve pushed my understanding of the world and challenged me to think differently. I doubt they even know that. (I’m not exactly the most forthcoming with feelings, though I am getting better)

I always thought that there is never going to be a person in the world that understands you and what you’re going through in life. I still believe that and probably will until I die. BUT, just because people can never really understand, doesn’t mean that they don’t care.

Throughout life, you meet many people but not all become good friends. The friends I’ve made so far are amazing people. It’s during those quiet nights where we’re parked somewhere or even just sitting around doing absolutely nothing that I feel really appreciative for the people around me.  It’s the times when you’re together, even playing on your phone or something that really mean something. It’s in those moments that I don’t feel so alone.

Sometimes, I’m in awe that I can call those people my friends. They’re the kind of friends that listen without judgment, give unbiased answers, the ones that try their best to understand. And if they can’t, they do their best to comfort you. Offer you their shoulder to lean on, their hand to hold when you’re scared, the ones that will hug you when you need one but will always respect you personal and know when to leave you alone.

Sometimes, specifically when thoughts lean toward the negatives, it’s hard to remember those people. Difficult to reach out despite them holding their hand out for you. Sometimes, it’s difficult to ask for help. Whether it be physical, mental, or emotional help, it’s not easy. But those people, those amazing people I’ve been telling you about? Sometimes they have a way of knowing just what to say or just what to do to kick you out of the slump you’re in.

The most important sometimes, is sometimes allowing people in. That’s the most challenging. Giving people that chance to get to know you. Allowing them to earn your trust. Letting them care about you and in turn, caring about them. It can be extremely difficult, but it become an invaluable friendship.

Sometimes, people surprise you. Some truly care about what you want, what inspires you, who you aspire to be. Sometimes you get lucky and befriend the most amazing people that you can’t imagine your life without and even if you could, you don’t want to. Those people that are always ready to stand by you and support you even through your dumbest decisions. The ones that with laugh with you and teach you to laugh at yourself from time to time. Sometimes, when you feel that connection with people, you have to find the courage to open up and put your best foot forward.

It’ll be worth it.

Cousin

My one cousin and I have never been close despite being only two years apart in age.

I used to be so afraid of her because she bullied me when we were younger and there was nothing I could ever do about it. She was older, prettier, skinner, she could do no wrong. Not when she used to slap me to wake me up, or make fun at me for always staying at the babysitter, not even when she push downstairs. Of course she doesn’t remember any of it now. She’s incredulous that even happened especially since I can be such a bitch to her every now and then.

What she still doesn’t understand is that when it comes to me, she is extremely selfish. She never considers my thoughts or feelings about anything yet always expects me to be there for her. There is no respect for my life when it comes to something she needs/wants. Anytime she’s sick or injured, I’m there asking if she’s okay or I’m physically there taking care of her. There were times when I was busy with important school or work stuff and I had to literally drop everything to be by her side because she didn’t want to be alone. So often, I just wanted to ask her if she knew how long I was alone. How often I’m still so alone. Yet she begs with no care whatsoever.

There was one summer she had alcohol poisoning, something she could have prevented. Well I was working to save up money for school. I was starting college and I needed the job because I would be paying for school myself. I didn’t want to take out tons of loans because I knew I’d have to pay them back with interest later on. Well, she got alcohol poisoning and was in the hospital. She didn’t want to be in the hospital alone while she slept. Why? I have no idea. She literally just slept. But I had to quit my job and drive back and forth for days to take care of her. Why? Because my aunt asked and my cousin asked me to stay. How could I say no, right?

Once she was better, I didn’t hear from her. Of course she felt nothing about me having to quit my job to stay by her side. It didn’t matter that I had to start school without money for books. Nothing I did mattered as long I was there for here when she needed me to be. There were a few other times she absolutely needed me for something. She needed me to bring her food, she needed me to do this, needed me to go with her here or there, there was a lot of times she needed me because she didn’t want to be alone. She never had shame in asking me for anything. Yet, when I got injured, she visited once when my entire family came to see me then never again. Oh but it’s fine, she sent me cookies…

Three months of being in pain, being bedridden, of realizing how my life is going to change because of my injury, not once was she there for me. But even when I was injured and was supposed to be focusing on myself, the second she calls me crying, I felt guilty that I can’t be there for her. She called saying she had a fight with her mom and I’m stuck laying on a couch, literally in pain every time I breathed and I still had to be there and help solve her problems. Hell, I’m so conditioned to be there for her that I felt like utter shit that I couldn’t get in my car and drive to her. Never mind that I could even walk by myself. So through the phone and the text I had to mediate for her and her mom who she wasn’t getting along with lately. Eventually things worked out.

Bt never did my cousin consider me. Never she did she really ask and care about how I was doing or how I was feeling. There was and there is always an excused with her.

All my life, I have literally asked her for two things. The first time was that I needed her to buy me something and she left it in her car and she was down the shore. Never mind that I had already given her the money for it.

The second was that I needed a dentist appointment. You see, she’s a dental assistant and she works at a place that apparently take takes my insurance. Well, she never got back to me.

These are the only two things I’ve asked her for throughout our life and they both only happened this year.

While I love the girl, I realized how one sided our relationship is. Anytime she needs me, I’m supposed to jump to be there. Anytime I need her? Well, is not a good time, sorry. So I learned to never ask her for anything and never expect her to be considerate of me. I’ve accepted that. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I can’t say no when she tells me she needs my help. I can’t just leave her when she asks me to stay with her. I can’t yell or get mad at her because it’s not like she’d understand or even try to. So often I wonder if she even cares about me or loves me. I’m not sure she know how to feel anything towards me except probably annoyance because I can be bitch a lot of the time. I may be a bitch but at least I care and show that I do. I’ll never stop wondering if she really gives a damn about me or not. My heart says not but I feel like with family, there has to be some kind of love that exist… right?

Dear Devil’s Mistress,

First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you have the absolute best day possible because you deserve nothing less.

Now I want to thank you for being in my life and I want to thank your mom and dad for creating you because I’m so grateful that you’re alive.

When we met during orientation, I had no idea we would be where we are. I also thought you were kind of a bitch because you didn’t really express emotion. Then again, you were a complete stranger discussing plans with Melissa. Ahh, the memories.

I could never thank you enough for always being there for me. You’ve helped so much by just listening and offering advice where you can. What amazes me so much is how you’re always there despite everything going on in your life. Even when things get hectic, you’re always ready to lend an ear.

I think you’re truly an amazing person that will play a hand in changing the world. You’re so talented and intelligent. You could probably do anything if you put your mind to it and I’m not just saying that. I also want to add that you’re so beautiful. Inside and out. Whatever size, shape, or form you’re in, whatever emotional condition.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You probably won’t believe me and that’s fine. I hope you one day see how beautiful and truly amazing you are. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’re going through, and anything you’ll face in the future, know that I will always gladly lend you a hand, a shoulder, or whatever it is you need. You have kept me grounded and you’ve given new perspectives to look from. I can’t thank you enough but I can certainly try.

I promise to always support you and be there for you. I don’t say it often or to too many people but you’ll always be part of the family that I get to choose in life. And I couldn’t have asked for a better person. So thank you. You are seriously one of the kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. May nothing ever tarnish your caring heart or your kind soul.

Wherever life may take us in the future, I hope to be lucky enough to have you in my life and to be in yours until we’re old and gray.

Also, please hurry up and have babies so I can love and spoil them! ALSO, thank you for loving my puppy as much as I do.

Stress

It’s confusing. Too much stress is bad, but stress can be good.

I know with looming deadlines and due dates, I’m more likely to stay focused and get my work finished. But when I’m stressing about it too early, like a good week before anything is due, my procrastination levels are high and my motivation to get it finished is nonexistent.

But as many students know, college is a whole new level of stress. I wrote about being overwhelmed before, well stress is definitely a factor of it. Everything seems to creep up on you. Assignments, quizzes, exams, projects. You name it. You plan out time to get each thing done but sometimes you don’t finish when you’re supposed to or you’re forced to rely on someone to complete their part before you can finish yours. Then all a sudden, there’s no time to do anything let alone study for that exam you really need to pass.

It makes you just want to pull your hair out. Life can be difficult enough without adding school into the mix. Let’s not even mention the stresses of friendships, relationships, and that awful thing called the future. As students, we’re supposed to somehow balance everything and get enough sleep at night. How? There are only so many hours in the day and it seems like every hour is already occupied with assignments you need to do or responsibilities you need to keep.

Life in all is stressful. One stressful event after another then if there’s nothing, you’re stressing over the fact that there’s nothing to stress over. I feel that all the stress we overcome makes us better people. We know the struggles others might be going through and can offer advice. While we’ll never truly understand how another feels, we can always lend a hand or offer a shoulder to lean on.

I think we, as humans, need stress. It reminds us that we have the capacity to care and worry about things around us. It’s part of what makes us such complex beings. It certainly makes life interesting.

Just a Crush

Have you ever had crush on someone but don’t want it to go any further?

You like the person, but you don’t necessarily want to date them. They’re fun to talk to and flirt with but the idea of getting serious with them doesn’t cross your mind. I have a crush I wouldn’t date seriously.

I find him attractive enough but it’s the conversations we have that I enjoy the most. He makes the day less boring and by the time I leave, I’m in a much better mood then whatever crap I had to put up with during my shift.

I used to think crushes had to mean more and probably led to more. However, the current state of our relationship is perfect. We flirt and banter if neither of us are busy then go our separate ways. I like that there’s no expectation of more on either of us. I think he does too. I think we’d be great friends if we ever took the friendship out of the work place. Although, that has an appeal of its own.

It’s like having friends and work friends. At work, you’re cool and content hanging out with people you get along with but the friendship doesn’t run deeper. The kind of friendships you look back on and think, “oh, good times” but it’s not heartbreaking to be away or out of touch with them. Completely different then that friends that I talk to on a daily basis. I find the need to text them and see if they’re okay whereas my work friends, well I don’t even have their numbers.

Back to the whole crush thing. I don’t know if the crush is mutual but it feels nice not having to overthink something. We’re work friends and I happen to crush on him but I don’t need to worry about ulterior motives. I don’t need or want anything from him. His conversation is give or take. I enjoy them and on some days, the lack of conversation doesn’t both me. If I actually dated the guy, I would want constant conversation and would probably need the constant reassurance that I’m the only person he’s with.

So it feels good not having to worry about that. Not analyzing every little thing or caring too deeply. It’s a meaningless crush. I didn’t think those existed until now.

Envy

A basic human emotion that everyone feels whether they would admit it or not.

Webster’s definition is “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”

I think it’s pretty accurate. I get envious all the time. It can be something as simple as knowing what to order in a restaurant. It’s not exactly what I’m envious about, I promise, it’s a tad deeper.

You see, I envy people who know what they want and know the path to walk to get them there.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I wish I had it all together.

Sure, I’m in school (struggling to the point of frustration, in case you were wondering) but I don’t really know what I want. Well, I guess that isn’t entirely true. I’d like to graduate and have a job lined up. But what comes after that? Am I only alive to go to school and work? I want more.

Except I don’t know what more is. Some people seem to have life all figured out. They’re going to finish school then work here then do this, then do that. How are they so decisive? How do they begin to figure out what they want? I’m sure they struggled through uncertainty but they eventually came to a conclusion. How?

Too often, I find myself spacing out, wondering what comes next.

People say you’re supposed to live in the present and plan for the future. I even tell my overwhelmed friends to take it one day at a time because what else can you do? But how do you live in the present when you’re so stressed out for the future?

Every step you take, every decision has a consequence that will effect the path you’re walking in life. The question remains, how do you know which direction to go in? I wish I had an answer. Life would be simple if you were handed a guide at birth and set up to complete your goals as if it were a level in a game. I mean, life is a game. The only difference is that in the game of life, there isn’t a clear winner or loser. It’s all defined by you. If you think you succeeded, then you did. If you think you failed, you did.

There is no clear winner because we all define success differently.

An amazing teacher once said, “Life is a sum of all your choice.” She was quoting Albert Camus (A French philosopher, if you didn’t know. Yeah, I didn’t either).

When she said that, it struck a cord with me. Only you can determine the meaning of your life and every decision you make helps you do that. So when I get envious of people, I kind of allow myself to feel that way. The saying is that nobody can make you feel anything you don’t allow them to.

I feel that it betters my understanding of me. It makes me question my goals and if it’s really the person I envy rather then where they are in life.

It is difficult though. Living with that envy. I was thrown off track because of a serious leg injury. And because of that, I’m far behind from where I should be. It’s hard seeing everyone moving so far down their paths and how well they seem to be doing while I’m here playing catch up. I want to be where they are. Close to that degree that seems like a trophy. That one piece of paper that supposedly opens tons of doors. I’m so far away that I sometimes lose sight of why it’s so important. I’m not so sure I even truly understand why it’s so important right now. There are so many brilliant minds that never finished school. They had an idea, or a vision and made that into a reality. I envy that too by the way. I have no abstract thoughts that I want to make concrete. Even if I did, I’m not so sure I could make it real.

Guess a lot of it has to do with confidence in yourself. That’s certainly something I don’t have enough of. I’ll never stop being envious of people that do. Maybe we’re all just faking it until we make it or maybe I hope that to make myself feel better. I don’t really know. What I do know is that one day I’d like to stop faking it and actually make it somewhere.