Overwhelmed

I’m pretty sure the number one definition of being overwhelmed is school. There’s nothing like the pressures of needing get your gpa as high as possible.

I’m the type that’s absolutely terrible at testing. Nor am I academically inclined. I do homework for hours and study for even more, the best I can get most of the time is a B and an occasional A if it’s some kind of open discussion class that makes you write papers based on your opinion.

I just withdrew from a class to focus on two other classes that I absolutely couldn’t fail. However, I spent all of Saturday night doing homework for the accounting class I decided to withdraw from. Had I made the decision earlier, I would have had more time to study for my MIS exam (Management Information Systems, which happens to be my major). I failed that exam in case you were wondering.

I hate school. With a passion. Why? Because I’m so bad at it. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I’m just not good enough. Day after day, I constantly wonder if I’m even smarter enough to finish college. It’s one of my biggest fears.

College is important. Getting a degree is constantly stressed. You can’t get a good job without an even better degree. What they don’t tell you is it’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know. It’s a line thrown around but never really stressed as important. College is absolute hell.

Professors give you tons of work as if you’re only taking their class. It’s all about time management and balance. I’m great at planning time out but actually sticking to it is seriously difficult. I’m terrible at it.

So often I put up a front and pretend everything is okay. But I always feel like I’m in over my head. I pretend like bad grades don’t get me depressed or make me even more disappointed in myself.

I remember getting my scores back from Economics and not wanting to leave for a good month. I did of course. Life goes on. I still beat myself over every bad grade. Knowing that if I applied myself more, maybe I could have done better.

I can’t change the past though. All I can do is try harder and hope hope for the best.

Dear Tiny Terror,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!

I just want to take this moment to thank you for being in my life. Throughout the years, you have given me such a different perspective on things. You have such a creative mind and I’m always amazed by the art you produce. I hope one day you see how talented you truly are.

I know it’s been a tough year for you. It’s unfair that it’s always the best people that get the short end of the stick. I hope you always remember how appreciative and grateful I am for you. You’re an incredible person despite your negative mind and sometimes morbid thoughts (that are freaking hilarious). Not to mention how (scary) good your timing is with most things. I’m convinced you’re psychic. I’ll keep this short since I tend to ramble. I hope you had an amazing birthday and please continue being patient for your present.

And lastly, thank you. For all your jokes, your kindness, your shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively), for caring, for always being there. Just thank you for being you.

Roaring Twenties? More like Boring Twenties

Last night, I had the chance to hookup with a friend I had benefits with before I started dating. However, I couldn’t go through with it. He moved in to kiss me and my instinct was the dodge it, so I turned my head. It happened again so I dodged it again. I couldn’t really explain why it felt wrong but it did. Eventually, I decided to just go home.

I’ve kissed him plenty before so what was the big deal? When kissing is done right, I could go for hours without getting bored. But it was different this time.

When I left, I realized the guy I recently dated hadn’t really left my mind. He wanted to stay friends so we still talk here and there on Snapchat. His constant presence through social media made me hesitant. Two of my best friends had even advised me not to be friends with him. Maybe because then I’d be holding out hope that things will eventually work in my favor. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Staying friends in hope that he changes his mind and will want a relationship with me. Definitely not something I should do or have ever done. It someone I knew was in the same predicament, I’d tell them to cut their losses and move on.But I can’t see myself cutting him off. So what exactly should I do?

My lingering thoughts of him made me feel like hooking up was wrong. It made no sense. He’s the one that called things off. I’m single and shouldn’t feel guilty yet I did. I should be carefree and have the emotional freedom to do as I please.

Your twenties are all about having fun. Being single, going to parties, hooking up, the time for you to make crazy memories with your friends. The ones you’ll look back at one day and think, “Wow, that was a crazy night!”

I would love to be that person. The one that goes out to parties every weekend, stay up and out late, have a string of hookups. Maybe go clubbing or bar hopping, meet hordes of new people and befriend them. You know, have an exciting and adventurous life.

Sadly, I’m more of a bookworm that would rather stay in, watch a movie or read a book, and cuddle with my pup.

Do guys like the boring girls? Because I’m definitely boring. Not that having a boyfriend/girlfriend is vital factor in life. But I can’t deny that having someone to share experiences with would be nice.

And sure, I’m not always so boring. I like parties here and there but after two or three hours, I’m ready for the excitement to end. It’s the nights spent with close friends just hanging out somewhere or even parking in an empty lot, just talking or enjoying the silence together that I’ll never get weary of.

Don’t be mistaken though, I’m always up for an adventure. As long as it’s not going to kill me, get me arrested or severely injured, I’m down for anything.

I’ve always been the type to be more introvert than extroverted. Except there will be occasions where I feel the need to go out and socialize. While I enjoy my alone time, my biggest fear is loneliness. I think it’s important to have a healthy balance of both, especially in your twenties when life starts getting more exciting. Some nights, you should party it up and others should be spent in, relaxing. There’s nothing more important than enjoying your own company but it’s vital to also enjoy the company of others.

We weren’t born to be alone forever. Why do you think there’s so many people on this planet? I’ll tell you why. It’s so we can leave our mark on as many people as possible and allow them to do the same. Life should be shared and celebrated with the best people possible. So cheers to a life full of fun, serenity, and happiness!

Buns

A friend of mine made a really good point last night. Why are buns on men called “man buns” while on a woman, it’s just a bun?

Is it sexist? We came to the conclusion that it is. My theory is that men having their hair in a bun wasn’t a common trend until very recently. And because it wasn’t common, it was differentiated to put more attention towards males that dare to do something different with their hair.

I know a few people that absolutely love a good bun on a guy (me included). There’s something artsy about them, sometimes even rugged and my oh my is it attractive.

Although I have to say when I see a guy with a bun, I get just a little envious at how perfectly it sits on his head. I think we females understand the difficulties of getting the bun to sit just right. Don’t even get me started on the struggles of a “messy bun.” For a messy bun, it sure takes a lot of effort.

Moral of this little blurb, “man buns” should just be called buns. Sure, “man bun” is catchy and slides off the tongue but a hairstyle shouldn’t be gender specific. There’s nothing wrong with a man wearing his hair in a bun. I firmly believe men that can pull off the look should 100% put it up. I’ll even give you a hair tie if you show me how you’ve mastered the art of a perfect bun!

Nursing homes.

I hate them. Why? Because I work in one and constantly see the sadness the residents feel. There are some residents with Alzheimer’s or Dementia who don’t completely understand what’s going on around them. They come up and ask me where they are, where their family is, all sorts of questions that just break my heart. Sometimes they get so frustrated. They tell me they want to go home and I have to explain to them that this place is their home.

Now I get that people might not time to take care of their love ones but they could at least visit more. The residents miss their family. It’s easy to get lonely or depressed. Some even get angry that they can’t leave to go home.

I had one resident, crying while she told me that the agitated residents getting angry about wanting to go home are just saying what everyone in the facility feels. She told me how she wanted to live in the same facility as her husband who has dementia but her healthcare provides for her needs better in Jersey than Pennsylvania. She’s one of the nicest people, loves to read and talk about her books, does tons of puzzle games and whatnot to keep herself entertained. I hate that I can’t really do more than converse with her and get her word puzzle books to occupy her time.

The only stimulation these residents get is conversation and activities that happen a handful of hours a day. But it gets boring. Playing the same games with the same people. Then the most conversation they get is if they can come to the front desk where I can talk with them because I can’t leave the desk unintended. Some residents can’t get up though and that’s another issue I can’t resolve. Other times resident talk with nurses that are typically busy monitoring all the other residents. So the conversation is usually cut short.

I wish there was more I could do. I wish their friends and families would visit more often. I wish they didn’t have to be here at all. Being in a nursing home is lonely. I hate them but I understand it’s a necessary option for people that need the 24/7 monitoring.

It’s hard seeing so many lonely people that don’t have a choice but to stay put in a facility where they see the same things day after day.

However, I think the hardest part of my job is when someone passes away and their relatives learn about it. I had one relative ask me how I did what I do. Being at the front desk means I’m everyone connection and have to know everything going on in the building. So when someone passes I’m the one that typically has to inform their relatives when they come in to visit.

Anyways, the best answer I could give was that it was life. With life comes death. Knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop it, all you can do is live the best you can. When it comes to relatives in nursing homes, you do what you can to fill the rest of their time with joy. Be by their side and let them know that you’ll be okay. Thank them for everything they’ve done and make sure they’re ready to go without regrets.

It probably wasn’t the best answer but on the spot, that’s the best I could explain. It’s a complex situation. I’d love to work somewhere else but the thought of leaving the residents I’ve befriends makes my heart heavy.

Life truly is so short. You blink and years have gone by. And as humans, we’re only here for a short amount of time. So live.

Live life the way you want. And don’t waste your time trying to please others. At the end of the day, it’s your happiness on the line. Choose to be happy and do everything you can to make it happen.

Bad Luck in the Dating Game

Dating is a lot more difficult than I thought it’d be.

I thought my biggest concern would have been on how I would meet someone to date. I never really anticipated the anxiety that came with dating. Probably because I never really opened myself up to dating until recently. So I decided to try my luck at Tinder. A friend of my actually met her present boyfriend through Tinder. I hoped I could find someone too. Once I joined, I quickly realized it was all about hook ups and being friends with benefit (fwb). I wasn’t sure what exactly I was looking for but I knew I didn’t want to hook up with some stranger.

The first guy I considered dating wasn’t exactly interested in a relationship. We matched on Tinder and because friends that texted for a while but I never met him in person regardless of going to the same school. One night we were texting while my friends and I were together. I decided to invite him over and that began our short fwb relationship (feel free to judge). I was bored and he made things a bit less boring. It was different then my regular routine of school, work, and friends. It didn’t last long and we’re still friends so that’s a plus.

The second guy was someone new.  From the start, I knew I couldn’t trust him. You see, he added me on Snapchat but I doubt he was honest about how he got my username. I know I put it on Tinder but why couldn’t he just admit that? There was no other way he could have gotten my user otherwise. We dated for about a month. It was fine but the lack of trust was always there. There was also the factor of him being really immature. It was always about him and what he wanted. Adding that to the fact that I wasn’t very interested after a few days, I decided to continue dating him anyways. Why? Simply because I was curious as to where it would lead. I know, I’m a terrible person. Anyways, his feelings ran a lot deeper than mine and I think he sensed that because he constantly tried to appeal to my empathy. I probably would have dated him longer if he wasn’t so narcissistic. The thing is that he wasn’t very attractive nor did he have any personality traits that would help me overlook all his cockiness. Long story short, I ended it and am much happier without him in my life.

But then something unexpected happened. We’ll just stick with the pattern and call him the third guy. So the third guy coincidentally messaged me a day after I ended things with the second guy. I thought maybe he was the player type but figured it’d be nice to have someone to talk to. I’d at least gain a friend, right? We started talking every day. They weren’t long, deep conversations just a here and there kind of thing but surprisingly, I started to like this guy. We met, played some pool, and hang out one night. After we parted way, he called me that night and asked me out on a date. Of course I said yes. The date was nice, movies then sitting in the car just talking for a while. Fast forward a few weeks and we’re still dating, getting to know each other and all that jazz. I thought things were moving really slow but still good. Turns out I was wrong because he suddenly hit me with “Thing aren’t working.”

It made me pause. After a beat, what could I say but “Okay.” I was so confused because it had completely blindsided me. We had made plans to hang out in a couple days. Because our schedules didn’t mesh well, I took off work and was excited to see him and spend more time with him. I don’t know if his intention was to lead me on but I feel like I was lead on. It stung. Here was a guy I actually wanted to date. I liked him enough but I knew I could never fall in love with him or anything. I wanted that relationship to work out. Instead we left things off with him needing to think but wanting to stay friends and me single yet again. Which is totally fine. I happen to like being single but it does get lonely.

Life isn’t fair and dating isn’t easy. You could meet a guy and be completely into him. Feel the chemistry and everything but at the end of the day, if he’s not feeling the same, that relationship isn’t going anywhere. I can’t say I’m heartbroken but I am sad that things ended before they really had chance at beginning. With the chain of bad luck in dating, I’m starting to think maybe I’m meant to be single. I’m young with plenty of time to meet someone but with no prospects I’m interested in, I’m convinced it means being forever alone. Well, at least it’ll save me from heartache.

Going back to school…

It’s a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, you’re excited to be back on campus. The campus buzzing with energy of freshman experiencing everything for the first time, fraternities/sororities recruiting for rush, parents saying goodbye to their babies, all the organizations/clubs pushing for you to check out their booth. There’s so much stimulation that you can’t help but get excited for the semester to start up again. Meeting new people, taking new classes, moving forward in your educational path.

Then, classes actually start. You’re waking up to take an 8am you really didn’t want but couldn’t avoid. You’re struggling to manage working, school, and having a social life. You want to cram every event possible but there just aren’t that many hours in a day. Instead of conversing with new friends you met during orientation or reuniting with friends you haven’t seen all summer, you’re busy getting a handle of your workload. You’re neurotic about writing everything into your planner because you’re afraid to miss an important date.

Time manageable is the most difficult aspect of college. I think many students would agree. But it’s one of the key to succeed in college.

There are plenty of courses that require a lot of extra studying. But you also want some downtime to just relax without knocking your brain. What do you do?

The first step is to jump on the train when registering for courses. You want the absolute best times. This calls for careful planning. College typically sends an email about courses opening for registration. You should see your counselor immediately.

Get an idea of what classes you need to take, how heavy the course load might be, and what general classes would benefit you in other classes you need to take that semester. (I promise, those gen eds are useful in other classes or even discussions outside of class).

Once you have a list of what classes you need. You need to start looking up classes and professors. There’s nothing worse than getting stuck with a professor that will drone on and on in a lecture. You want a professor that actually wants you to succeed and offers all the resources to make that happen. An engaging professor.

Sure, it’s a ton of work to look like classes, dates, times, professors, even taking the building where the class will be into consideration but it makes planning a ton easier once you obtain that information.

Next is planning out your schedule so that you have sufficient time to do your assignments and study.

Take biology and chemistry for example. Both heavy classes with no doubt endless amounts of work. You want to space out those classes so that you actually have time to prepare for them. I would advise not taking them on the same day (unless there’re just lectures). If you happen to have an exam in both classes, studying for them both to take in one day is extremely difficult.

That’s another thing. Lectures and classrooms. Some majors require a lab. This is where you have a professor lecturing on the topic and another class where you actually apply those lectures. (Happens a lot with science majors).

Once you have a draft of your schedule, I suggest finding a few alternative classes so that if you can’t get into one, you have a backup without going crazy looking for another class in the same subject matter last minute.

Once courses are open to register action, you want to get registered as quick as possible no matter what time they open. Believe me, you’re not the only one sitting at the computer ready to register.

By planning way ahead of time, you leave yourself time once the semester starts to plan your social outings and study days. It’s all about time management in college. You want to be there and really experience college life rather than just going to classes and going home to study. Enjoy all that college has to offer. I hear time flies in a blink of an eye.