Strange Chronicles 1:4

Either we admit it or not, there’s a particular thing that we all desire. Something that we run to when life happens. I call it the escape. Well, this might come in form of a lover or a thing or a place, but we all have it. If you don’t think you have one, you are wrong. You have one; you just haven’t found it yet. This escape is like the happy place. Something that makes a person feel alive. That makes you feel like you are finally living. It is what makes a person feel like he or she is flying without leaving the ground. When the test of time comes along, the escape is what people normally think of in order to escape reality for a second or minute or hours. No matter how long they spend with this safe haven, there is an assurance that their pain would be numbed for that period of time. Good right? No, it’s not always good. There are bad escapes too. For many people who are highly established in their bad escapes, they will do anything to get to their escapes no matter the pain they have to get through. A man who became an alcoholic in order to forget his pain of losing his job and his unborn child. Who dares to tell him to break-up with his newly found friend? A boy who starts writing in order to numb the pain of being an orphan has an escape. So is a woman who turned to drugs in order to numb the pain of being raped at a young age. The same thing with an individual who turns to religion because he or she just can’t make sense of the complexities of life. What about the girl who just can’t seem to get the incompatibility with her boyfriend? Because what he makes her feel is unlike what anyone can ever make her feel? All these people have escapes that help them to get through their pains. All these pains are different in their own ways. However, it would be disrespectful to say that one pain is more than the other. Sidenote: We do that so often in today’s society. We like to compare things so much that we have started comparing our struggles too. Maybe one person’s struggle might out-struggle the other person’s struggle (No, I don’t think out-struggle is a word). Anyway, you never know what the person sitting next to you might have gone through or might be going through or will go through. People are the way they are for a reason. That old man might be right anyway. He said that there are no good or bad people; only miserable and joyful people exist. Some people are able to manage their pains better than others. Why? Is it because they are better people? Is it because they are good looking? Maybe it is because they are smart? Or it might be because they have more people around them as a support? Is it because they have money? No. It’s because of none of the above. People who are lucky enough to manage their pains better than others only do so because their escapes serve them well. If people only manage pains because of money, looks, brain or the amount of people they know, then famous celebrities wouldn’t commit suicide so often, would they? If you don’t have an escape, find it. It might be the difference between living and dying while one is alive.



The One

Recently I was talking to one of my closest friends and she told me that I was now with my boyfriend to either break up again or to get married.

Honestly? That scared the shit out of me. I know the point of dating is to eventually settle down with someone. But when you’re younger, it’s not something you think about. Sure, you think that you love a person and you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them. But as you get older, you realize that life isn’t that easy. There are obstacles in your life that will always effect your relationship.

Sometimes you can get past things with your significant other and other times, you can’t.  There’s a high chance that wherever you are now, the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with isn’t even in your life anymore. That’s just the way it goes. Relationships come and go. When you’re young, you don’t really think about that. Every relationship in your life feels like it’ll last forever but that’s rarely ever the case. 

As you get older and understand more about the stresses of life, you somehow manage to date despite however hectic your life is. Even then, you’re not really thinking about marriage. All you’re really thinking about it is that it’s nice to have somebody there for you at the end of the night or just someone that you can talk to in a more intimate way. 

So when my friend pointed out that I was dating my boyfriend to either break up again or to get married, I freaked out a little bit. Why? Because I didn’t really want to think about that. I know I’m at the point in my life where I’m building my strongest relationships. But from being young and learning from my experiences, I know even these relationships may not last. And that’s okay. They hurt a little more than being young but you get through them all the same. 

One day I was talking to a long-time client of mine and we were talking about relationships. I told her what my close friend said, she replied that she didn’t really think about marriage when she was with her first husband. Odd, right? Considering she did end up marrying him for a period in time. She told me that she didn’t really think about marriage until the right person came along. And that right person for her was her second and current husband.

She told me that sometimes you make a mistake the first time around. That mistake is believing that the person you’re with is the one you’re going to settle for. She hadn’t thought about marriage with her first husband because she didn’t really want to marry him. It was just the progression of the relationship. They dated for a few years and marriage seemed to be the next step. That’s not the feelings you should have when it comes to marriage.

What I got from the conversation with my client and my friend is that it truly is worth the wait. You should marry someone you are actually excited to (hopefully) spend the rest of a long life with. Someone that makes you think about marriage with hopeful, dreamy eyes rather than an “it that makes sense” type of attitude. And you absolutely shouldn’t see married life being dreadful. You should look forward to all the ups and downs that come with being attached to someone (hopefully) for the rest of your life.

Maybe it’s sappy of me but I do think everyone has someone’s that their “one.” I mean, I don’t agree with it completely. I think you have the “one” and can many a different one later on in life. The one is someone that going to be what you need at the time and hell, maybe for the rest of your life. Sometimes you know who that is and sometimes you realize who it should be. But there’s no reason to rush things. Whatever happens, will happen. And the best thing you can do is to let it. The worse thing you could do is force it. 

I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t want to get my hopes up with anything. If my boyfriend is the one, I’ll know it eventually. Until then, I’m going to continue to put time and effort into building a strong relationship and let whatever happen when it’s supposed to. Time will tell when it’s the right time. 

To K,

A few months ago I decided to end a friendship that meant a lot to me. It was my best friend of seven years and it seriously fucking hurt. 

The reason I ended the friendship wasn’t because of anything big that happened. I talked about it a little bit in a previous post. It was the accumulation of little things that were shoved to the back of my mind in favor of having someone. Someone that was outside of my friend group that could be there for me when I’m trouble within my friend group. Anyways, this is something of a goodbye post to him.

To K,

Thank you for the many years of friendship. The way I ghosted you wasn’t cool in the slightest. I know I could’ve just talked to you upfront and tell you that I didn’t want to be in your life anymore or have you in mine. Maybe it was even cowardly of me to just cut out you like that but honestly? I’m not sorry for it. It might not have been the best way to end things but it was the healthiest for me to just let things go completely.

I made excuses for our friendship constantly. There were so many times that I couldn’t even believe we were still friends because of how set you are in your beliefs. I respect everyone and their beliefs but when you’re hurting someone, even believing that they deserve it… it’s not okay. 

It was never okay the way you treated women. It doesn’t matter if they don’t hold significance in your life. You don’t just use people, lead them on, fuck them, and treat them however you please. It explains the lack of relationships in your life. When you treat people like nothing, why would they want to stick around? They don’t owe you anything yet you acted as if they did. Only hitting them up when you were lonely and didn’t have someone else to talk to. You treated them like they were second rate and that wasn’t okay. Even after telling you that, you never cared about changing how you treated people.

That brings me to a major key in my decision to end things. You constantly wanted to date me yet never respected that I didn’t. Yes, I admit that I thought about it but I knew it wasn’t something I really wanted to explore. You fell in love in high school and I knew how much you loved her. How much love you’ll always have for her. Tell me why anyone would ever knowingly put themselves second to someone. You made me feel so shitty for not giving you a fair chance at a romantic relationship. Even admitting that you hoped my love life didn’t work out so you could have a shot. I said no. And no means no. I know you can be sexist but that’s something everyone should understand. NO MEANS NO. You don’t make someone feel shitty about their choice. It’s theirs to make, end of. It wasn’t cool of you to try and use my vulnerability to your advantage when I got my heart broken. 

Despite it all, I gave you unconditional love. I supported your every decision even if I didn’t like or agree with it. There were many times where I could feel your genuine care and interest in my life, it always seemed as if I had to work so hard for it. When I just needed a friend to listen to be vent or a shoulder to lean on, you almost never provided. Yet I always expected to jump anytime you said jump. I got criticism and was told my feelings were minor and unimportant. That hurt a lot.

I’m finished being hurt. I’m tired of having to repeat myself. I’m done making excuses for your words and your actions. And most of all, I’m tired of the lack of respect. And so, this is my goodbye. Thank you for the years we had, I truly hope you have an amazing life.

Strange Chronicles 1:3

What have I done?

Why am I so selfish? I have finally allowed my pride to govern my judgement. For years, I blamed my dad for leaving and for breaking a heart he never created. I used to question myself on why he did the things that he did. Now, my worst nightmare is coming true. Because now, I am the one breaking a heart I never created. I guess I am truly my father’s son afterall. I have become the one thing I despised. And that hurts more than anything. Or maybe I just never loved her enough. I am a mess. A poor mess that never deserved a beautiful soul. A beautiful soul that has become a beautiful mess because of me. She loved me with all her heart. She wanted to build a future with me. She wanted to grow with me. She said that she would do anything to keep me happy. But I was only leading her on with my pretty words. I only loved her because she has a beautiful face. My loss. It sucks to know that the smiles I used to give her have turned to tears. The memories I made with her have turned into cries. I hope she finds the strength to move on and live her life because she truly deserves better.

I used to blame the society too. I would blame the society for all the pressures placed on guys while guys are expected to suffer in silence and “be a man”. I am not sure I know how to “be a man”. I must have skipped that class and the class about emotional intelligence in school as well. Not taking anything away from the huge pressure placed on women too, by the way. But I would blame the society for expecting guys to be rich by a certain age (like 27) while girls are only expected to be beautiful enough for marriage. I blamed everyone around me except me. I became so comfortable in my relationship that I gave my ego a chance. Looking back, she really made me happier than I had ever been. With her, I had the world on my shoulders. And then I dropped it. I gave peace the chance to destroy my strength. I found defeat in victory. My loss. Damn!!!



Tough Decisions in Friendships

Lately, I’ve been feeling lost and really unsure of myself. Something I hate feeling is helpless.

That’s exactly what I felt in two classes for my major. On top of stressing out and worrying about my future, I had a lot going one with the one relationship in my life I thought was solid. I should know by now that no relationship in life is ever really “solid.” Things can flip so quickly. I had been thinking about my friendship with my best friend for a while and often saw how one-sided things were.

He has his flaws, and I have mine. But we accepted them and ignored them like any friend would. I think all the little things built up regardless of that. We didn’t talk much about our flaws but it was whatever, right? Wrong. It was important. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so relieved that I don’t have to continue putting the effort and time into the friendship. We’re both very independent of each other so it made no sense that I felt smothered by him.

I have a lot of issues. Plenty that I’m working on. That was one of the huge differences between us. I saw my flaws and wanted to fix them. He saw his flaws and accept them. Which is absolutely his decision. But because he didn’t want to fix them, it forced me to just accept them as well. It was out of obligation? I’m not really sure. He’s been my best friend since high school and we had good times and bad times like any relationship. But I was getting really tired.

Always bending my wants and needs to satisfy his. I told myself that I hadn’t been a good friend to him because we hadn’t talked in a few days. I’m fairly introverted but outgoing when I need/want to be. Everyone in my life knows this about me, my best friend more so than anyone. I felt like I was a bad friend for not wanting to talk or be near anyone. But still, I would hang out and answer his calls because I felt like I had to, not because I wanted to. We have a long history, and this is an even longer story but it’s not really to share right now when I’m still so upset. I just wanted to give a glimpse as to how our friendship was. I’m sure he sacrificed a lot for me too, I’m not sure where or how. I’m not even interested in knowing anymore. Long story short, I needed to feel supported and loved, instead I received anger and inflexibility.

The tough decision lies in letting the friendship end. It hurts and makes me sad. But I’m relieved at the time same. Perhaps, I’m a shitty person for saying, that I’m relieved. I am though. I’m so incredibly tired of offering my best to someone who demanded more and not in the supportive, you can do this kind of way. The way that leaves you… drained.

My friends know that sometimes I need to be left alone. Nine times out of ten, I don’t have to give a reason until I’m good and ready to. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone if I don’t want to and I’ve always known that with the people in my life. Except for one. My “best friend” knew me. He knew how I could get and how I just needed to isolate myself sometimes. He just didn’t always respect it. He’d give me shit about not being a good friend for ignoring him or whatever the case may be. Me, being the person I am, would always feel bad and think he was right. I’m being selfish and not considerate of those around me.

I read something recently that discussed social exhaustion. It was a short explanation about people who are more exhausting to be other than others. Most of the time, the people that are socially exhausting don’t experience social exhaustion. Which is great. For them. I didn’t know social exhaustion was a thing. But it’s definitely a better phrase than constantly saying “I’m tired.” I swear it’s my go-to phrase because how else do I explain that I’m just not feeling up to socializing because it’s mentally and sometimes emotionally draining? Most people don’t understand that and it’s hard to try to explain further without wanting to just give up.

Ending the relationship I had with my “best friend” was tough for me. I hold my friends dearly because they’ve always been more like family to me. I also have a small circle so it’s hard for me to lose friendships. Still, I don’t think it was the wrong decision. I’ve felt a lot lighter.

What I’m getting it is that sometimes it’s good to reevaluate the relationships in your life. Really think about them and see if they’re more stressful than they’re worth. I know it’s hard to weigh against your friend but sometimes you have to. For your sake, you have to make the tough decision in continuing a relationship that drains you or to walk away. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or love them. It means that you respect yourself more than continuing to put your time and effort into a relationship where the other person isn’t. You better more than that.

Strange Chronicles 1:2

Crazy. That’s a word I often hear about. And no, I am not talking about the perverted, malicious type of crazy. I am talking about those ones who dare to be different and still be confident in themselves. I am talking of those ones who are crazy enough to stay off the sidewalks of life. Yes, I am talking of the ones who live outside the box of what society has confined them into. Few days ago, someone asked me what I think it would be like if the world runs out of “normal” people and we all become crazy. I replied that the world will never run out of normal people. As long as we have a society with religion and political systems, there will always be normal. One of the most important aspects of these systems is that they exist to basically lay down rules, consciously and unconsciously, that everyone must follow. A way through which messages of these system are passed across to the public is through fear. Fear is a powerful weapon to get the public. Fear is the weapon that Hitler used to kill the Jews. It is also the same weapon that makes sexual assault offenders feel like victims. Nowadays, everyone is tensed and scared of the unknown and how they look in front of others. So now, we all have to stay normal so as not to divert from other people’s ideal expectations of us. As long as we have religion and politics and societal rules, the world will never run out of normalcy. Normal will always be in abundance. Always in more abundance than crazy. That’s why crazy is rare. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that normal is bad; it’s good. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Unfortunately, this particular post isn’t for the normal ones who find joy in doing the same things everyday. No, this isn’t for the life-sized robots. Maybe the next post might be for you, who knows. I was told that no one ever changed the world by doing what the world asked of them. I am reaching out to the ones who are crazy enough to stand up when everyone else is comfortably sitting. This post is for those who are crazy enough to walk on the road less taken. I personally don’t want to live in a world in which crazy doesn’t exist. And if you are one of the few who feel alone on your crazy path in life, I want you to know that the world needs more of you. Stay crazy. Show the world how crazy you can be.



Do you know what it’s like to…

… not trust anyone?

To go through life questioning everyone’s motives. Not setting yourself up to be disappointed because, in the past, everyone you trusted turned their back on you when you really needed them. Didn’t matter how often you were there for them or how much you cared for them. It doesn’t mean a damn thing. The sad truth is that we’re all just human.

Anyone would start to question why they put so much trust in others. Even when you know you’re going to end up hurt. You continue to open yourself to others. Continue to find the good in people. Then when it’s not there, you make it up and convince yourself that it’s the truth.

… struggle emotionally?

Seeing all the happiness around you and being irritated because you don’t understand. Experiencing only negativity and darkness that you can’t see the light even if it shines in front of you. Feeling so angry inside, not understanding why when all you want is to be happy. To deny yourself any feeling because you know it’s only temporary. Constantly telling yourself that “it’s okay” just to make it through the day without breaking down. Wanting to give up every step down the path you chose for yourself in life. Not seeing a reason to continue with the lies but it’s all you know so you keep going through the motions, hoping to someday understand.

… feel alone?

Being surrounded by people you call friends and family yet none seem to care there’s a barrier between you and them. Never bringing down that barrier because you know what the other side holds. You see how fake they are to each other. Claiming love and trust yet so ready to push a knife when you turn your back. From behind the glass, you see it all and you can’t risk your heart for it anymore. You stand alone. Not letting others in and not allowing yourself to need others.

It starts to feel cold eventually. That feeling of self-isolation catches up with you, you question if it was the right decision. What do you do then? You tell yourself, just one more time. Just one more time you’re going to open your heart to those people. Allow them to see you. Only to end up looking up at them after they step on your back to get where they want to be.

Do you know what it’s like to feel like there’s a neverending storm brewing inside of you, tearing you up bit by bit until you feel like you just can’t take anymore and just break…

(I wrote this when I was in high school and was pretty damn angry at the world)