Home

It’s such a common word that people typically associate with their actual house. But the kind of home I’m talking about is spiritual, for lack of better words. And it’s something I crave.

Recently, I reread one of my journal entries that I wrote on a private blog. I have a habit of waking up, writing down my dreams, and passing out again. Usually not remembering at all that I did. The dream was very odd and kind of all over the place (no surprise there). The dream really shed a light on things I lacked. Emotionally, I mean. Things I know I don’t really have but always brush off because I decide they’re not important. Anyways, I wrote something a while back about a person feeling like home. Needless to say, but I’m gonna anyways, it crushed me.

It made me hurt so bad that I wanted to curb up into the security of my weighted blanket and never step foot out of my room again. That person isn’t really in my life anymore. I hate that I remember that dream so vividly. I was getting ready to leave, to go back to an empty house feeling completely unwanted and as an a nuisance. The person had been giving me the cold shoulder and acted as if my presence was an annoyance. I hate feeling like I’m a burden to someone, apparently dream me feels the same way. I was walking out to my car when I see the person trying to fit a bunch of cats in my car.

couple-sunset-silhouette-caribbean-beach-wedding

Let me explain, I am crazy allergic to cats. In small, enclosed spaces my allergies could possibly put me in the hospital. And the person knew that, which is why they were trying to shove cats into my car so that I wouldn’t be able to get in and leave. I was confused and all of a sudden, the person was pulling me in and holding me tight as if they never wanted me to leave. I had thought the person didn’t want me around but in actuality, the person just couldn’t communicate their feelings of wanting me to stay. This person, is home. That’s what I thought in my dream. When I reread the post, I thought about it and maybe that person was home.

I felt happiness there, in their arms. And more importantly, I felt safe and comfortable. It felt like any problem I had would be okay because that person was there to support me. To be my shield, protecting me when I was weak and to be my sword when I was ready to fight. The person was like a sigh of relief after a long and very difficult day. Do you know that feeling? After having a shitty a day and seeing that person that just takes away all that stress. The arms wide open, ready to envelop you like a blanket type of bear hug that makes you feel like everything else is melting away. You’re relaxed, safe, and you can finally breathe again. I miss those hugs and I miss that feeling.

Sometimes our home isn’t a place. Sometimes it’s a person that accepts you wholly and loves you completely. That you can be completely yourself around as scatter and as broken as you are. The feeling that you finally found where you belong. A person(s) that happily walk by your side because they want to and because they want you by theirs. That, is home.

Escape

I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to wanting to escape your life for while. Sometimes life can seem like it’s going well and still you feel like you need a break from it.

I’ve always been a fan of running away from my problems. It can take form in many different ways. Whether it’s focusing school or work, basically putting your time and energy in just about everything but your personal problems that you need to prioritize. My favorite way is to focus on others. If I focus on other people’s problems, I don’t have to deal with mine.

It’s not at all healthy of course. But sometimes, your own life is just too overwhelming and you don’t really know where to start to get your shit together. There are so many times where I’d rather just stay in bed, not face whatever the day has to throw at me. I’m not sure how people expect a person, college students especially, to juggle everything on their plate and be okay mentally and emotional.

There are so many days where I have to remind myself to be social with my peers, to start/finish homework, study for this quiz or that test, to go to the gym to be healthy, to give my family and friends attention, to remember to eat while being so busy, to drink a fair amount of water, take care of things in the house, clean, run errands. Some days I have to manage everything in a single day, other days I can split of the tasks. But it can all still be very consuming. Even the littlest things like remembering to eat and drink water can be extremely difficult when there’s so much to do and so little time.

It’s easy to lose your head when you’re all over the place. Almost every day that I wake up, I mentally set up a guide of what I need to get done for the day and contemplate if I have time for a nap I desperately need. I’m thinking about a nap before I’m even out of bed in the morning. Not exactly exciting but it’s something to look forward to, a reward of sorts. The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Not exactly caring about or feeling anything in general. While I’d rather do nothing, instead I struggle through school work, force myself to go to the gym, try to focus on anything that keeps be from thinking too much.

Night is the most difficult. I’ve always been a night person. But it’s also when everyone’s asleep and there’s no one and nothing really present to keep me distracted anymore. I find myself constantly thinking about those important to me and how easily those relationships can change. How afraid I am of them changing. All the things in the future that I haven’t given much thought to, like a career. And especially how I can catch up with school after missing an entire semester (not by choice).

It can all easily build up and you just lose sight of why you’re doing what you’re doing, you know? It helps so much to just escape sometimes. To step away from everything then return to it with a new perspective or maybe even a game plan for everything. Coming back with fresh eyes can really make a difference. When you’re too involved in something, you’re exactly that. Too involved. It’s hard to see the forrest through the tree (Yes I know, another cliché. I’ll never stop). But if you just keep going, eventually you’ll reach a view that made it all worth it.

Never look at escaping as a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just what you need to do in order to do what you want to do. It can never hurt to take moments for yourself to just reflect of everything. It might even put some things into perspective. Things you’re stressing over might not be so bad. Problems you have may find a way of solving themselves. Just try to remember that you’re not going to get very far when you’re too overwhelmed. I always tell myself to take it day by day, step by step and you know what? It helps. And when life becomes too much, step back and breathe. Think about what’s important and try to recall why it’s important. And if you find yourself lost still, reach out. Talk to someone about your feelings, about your day, about the weather. Just anything. It really can help even when you don’t feel like socializing. Having someone outside of everything you’re dealing with can help you see something you missed. And if those are times you feel the need to just be alone, then do that. It’s hypocritical of me but even when you want to just be alone, don’t push those that care about you away. Remember that there are people that care about you and want to see you succeed. They’re also ready and happy to help you so don’t be afraid or too stubborn reach out.

And just some food for thought, sometimes you may need an escape and sometimes you may be somebody else’s.

Friendships vs. Relationships

Do you ever find yourself wishing you felt more than you did for a person?

There are many occasions where you feel too much for a person but I’m talking about the opposite. Wanting to feel more for someone because they seem like the right choice. Let me give you a better example.

Say you meet a person and you really click. You joke easily, can really divulge into the deeper things in life, even flirt constantly, and most importantly, you can really just be yourself. Everything just feels right and you really want to be with this person and they want to be with you… except, the right feelings aren’t there. What I mean by the right feeling is the romantic chemistry.

Sure, you have chemistry and it’s great but it’s not the type that makes you feel more. It’s the friendship type (Side note: I do believe that you could have a soul mate and that person be just a friend). You want the feeling of looking at that person and seeing/wanting a future with them. Instead you only feel like they are a good friend to you and you’re glad they’re in your life. You want them to stay in it for as long as possible but as just a friend.

But you want to feel more, have those thoughts of forever. My question is, if you’re only feeling platonic feelings for a person, can it eventually result in falling in love with them? I feel like when you truly have romantic feelings for someone, it’s pretty difficult to not act upon in some way, shape, or form. It’s definitely not something you have to force yourself to do. And perhaps that’s what would happen with that person you have platonic feelings for. Another question I have is if you do want a relationship with the person you just click with, should you give it a chance? Why not right? If it’s something you both want, you should absolutely try. I like the idea of things working out if both parties are putting in their best effort forward but I’m not sure if that’s always works out. How hard and how long should you try to build a romantic relationship before it’s time to call it quits? Forcing relationships is never a good idea but where exactly is the line drawn? No one likes to give up on something they want but it’s hard to step back and admit that maybe things aren’t working because they’re not supposed to be.

I have these questions because there’s someone in my life I feel very strongly for but those feelings have never been anything beyond friendship. However, I’m often thinking about how easy it would be to just date them. At least I know I wouldn’t be unhappy, you know? But it feels like I would be settling…

I was talking to a friend about it. If I were forty, fifty something years old without a partner, I wouldn’t mind being with this person because I already know that I enjoy their company. Even if I never fall in love with them, I would be fine with spending the rest of my life with them at that point. Right now, I’m twenty-years-old and I want fall in love with someone that will fall for me. I don’t want to be someone a person settles for when there could be someone else out there perfect for them.

I know that’s holding out hope for something that might not happen but I can’t see myself being tied down to a person that I could probably be with but never fall for. It may just be because I’m stubborn. I don’t really know what might happen should I ever open myself up to experiment but it’s not something I’ve wanted up to this point. Yes, there are many times I think to myself that I should just try. That something amazing could come out of something I didn’t expect. The best and worst things in life come unexpectedly but you won’t know unless you just go for it. But despite thinking that way, I always end up with the same thought. If it hasn’t happened already, will it happen? Do I want to put my time and effort on a person I’m already hesitant about? And am I hesitant because I’m afraid of what might happen? Or am I afraid of being right and not feeling more for them than I already do? I wish I had the answers. I just know that I don’t want to go into a relationship that I’m not confident about. I want to actually care whether or not it works out. Not a fall back kind of relationship, if that makes sense. I would probably even half-ass my efforts in the relationship. Continue treating them as a friend rather than a real partner in life.

All I can say is, right now, that’s not in the cards for me. I get along with the person very well and I enjoy their company, I even have a lot of love for them but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t see them as my person. Hell, I freeze up sometimes because I don’t really know what to expect. I’m unattached right now. And the person knows me well enough to understand that I won’t take things seriously when I’m not attached. And what I mean by attached is being in a relationship or being involved with someone. A kiss is just a kiss and sex can just be sex. Recently though, I’m constantly wary of getting too close. While we click and are really good friends, I feel like I’m constantly on guard. I don’t know if it’s because I want them to try something or if I’m hoping they don’t. I genuinely like the person as a friend.

There are plenty of times I think I’m overthinking things and that I should just throw caution into the wind. Caution in relationships is good though, isn’t it? It’s hard to look past the platonic feelings. You get used to seeing a person a certain way and sometimes the way you see them changes naturally. But I feel like when you’re trying too hard to see someone a certain way, it doesn’t work out. I’m not sure if that platonic feeling can change and developed into more with time. What I do know is that I’m not ready to find out.